BethTrippin.com

What the hell.

So I’ve been smoking cigarettes for the past 7 years or so and lately I’ve been getting nicotine stains on my top lip. I tried scrubbing it off the other day and now it looks like I have a damn cold sore or something (note: DON’T use a magic eraser on your skin. Yes, I was that dumb to try).

I read that lemon works, which I tried some time ago and it did but not by much. Humph.
I’M NOT quitting. Fuck that. If I go out with lung cancer then at least I spent my life enjoying my booze and cigarettes.
I figure I should try to train myself to switch up my method. I always smoke out of the right corner of my mouth and exhale through pursed lips, also on the right side. It’s weird trying to adjust but I think with time I’ll get used to it.

As for my diet; it’s been working out pretty well. I don’t have a scale so I have no idea if I’ve actually lost anything, but I feel thinner. I also feel a shitton better, much more energized and generally all-around great. All I drink is water with lemons (I’ve must have gone through at least 30 lemons by now) and eat anything low in calories that isn’t junk.
I had a greasy ass ham sandwich at work the other day, and man… I felt like like complete SHIT afterwards and it totally fucked with my stomach. Eating right is automatic now, I only crave healthy foods. I also move around a whole lot at work, so I’m getting a decent amount of exercise.

Life is good. Sometimes I think I’m dreaming, but these past couple of weeks have been marvelous. Not to mention I’ve cut down dramatically on my drinking, and nowadays I don’t blackout anymore but just fall asleep after only about 6 beers.
I’m smiling a whole lot these days. I think I owe it to myself.

Time to fuck shit up in Fallout 3…!

After a year and a few months later I FINALLY got my Wendy O. Koopa tattoo colored yesterday! I’ll get a new photo soon. It looks WONDERFUL! And the irony is that the guy who finished it is named Mario (he also did my sister and I’s owls). He even said that if I were to get more Super Mario characters, he’d give me a discount and sounded quite excited about it, haha. I’ve already much considered getting a bunch of characters, and now I’m REALLY thinking about it.

My Wendy is on my wrist, and I’ve put to thought about getting other characters from the water world (from Super Mario Bros. 3, since Wendy is the boss of that world). I think getting the Bloopers and Cheep-Cheeps would look really cool, but I’d like to keep them below my elbow… and perhaps, what’s above my elbow could be Zelda images? I’m such a geek.

I love it, since whenever I feel down I can just look at my wrist and see Wendy and Super Mario has it’s way of making me feel nostalgic and like a kid again. I’m officially addicted to tattoos.. I mean, I’ve always liked them, but whenever I would get one I’d get very nauseous. But this time around, I watched him the whole time and conversed with other folks in the shop. Whenever he got down to the lower part of the tattoo was when I had to clinch my teeth a bit.

And folks, go visit Mario Gifs… which is near approaching 9 years of existence on the web (wow.. time flies).

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I also added many categories to this blog, it was a huge pain in the ass having to go back and edit all (near 200) posts and took about an hour but I managed. I just didn’t know what exactly to do about the older posts that involved me hanging out with the several folks who ultimately fucked me over. I have a category titled ‘evil people’.. but at the time I hung out with these folks I was too damn ignorant to know what they were going to do to me. There are also many posts I made back in 2007 under the influence of drugs, so I marked some under ‘drugs’ just to make a point of how irresponsible and lack-of-thinking they had made me.

It’s also quite pathetic that most of my posts are under ‘fuck my life’ and ‘fuck the world’.. but, well. That’s how I often feel.

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I also got two stickers for my truck in the mail, one says = ‘6 billion miracles are enough’ and the other is a Darwin fish. I hope I piss off some christians (joking). I’m pro-choice and anti-breeding, and highly believe that evolution is a fact and god is a theory, and have no problem expressing that. My intention is not to criticize people who have kids, but to say that people shouldn’t have unwanted children and there’s nothing immoral or wrong with abortion, unless you are using it as birth control - which I disagree with.. But one should use logical thinking when it comes to bringing a person into the world when you aren’t financially or emotionally ready.

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I also got the Orange Box from amazon, I really want to play it but I’ll wait until my current Fallout 3 obsession dies down (which, it won’t for awhile). I’ve already played Half-Life 2 back when it first came out and was addicted to that, even named one of my rats ‘Lamar’; haha.

I made some changes to the about page and linkage, so go ahead and check them out. I figured I should get a little more in depth about myself so folks have a better idea of me.

I also really want to re-categorize all my posts… but, uhm. That would take a very long time. I think having just 3 categories is a little vague, and want to add more. It will be boring and tedious though; but with it annoying me as much as it is I’m pretty sure I’ll get around to it.

I just took a 2 hour nap and dreamt I was surfing on a mountain of bagels and my boss was trying to get me arrested for it. The cop was ridiculously hot too.

Hm. Well, I don’t make any sense of that.

I’m going to stop by some computer store and see if they sell left and right click mice for macs. As stated in yesterdays post, I want to get back into graphic design but that’s near impossible with a touch pad. I also need to find a free version of Adobe Photoshop, I hope with a bunch of digging on the internet I can find something; who cares if it’s version 4.0.
I have photoshop on my other windows laptop, but that computer has smoked too many spliffs or something because it’s ridiculously slow and half the keyboard doesn’t work. Plus - it’s annoying as all hell to create designs on there, then have to transfer them to my mac (because I can’t get the damn internet working on it, and I’d like to have all my files organized on one comp).
In fact, I’m also having problems with my keys sticking on this mac as well. You folks might notice my spelling is off these days but that’s because of this.

I’m off tomorrow (YAY) but gotta go in sunday (BOO) so I’m going out tonight to a grind show. I have not been drunk in 7 days (a record) so I’m totally drinking it up tonight. I’ll take $30 with me and leave all the debit cards at home so I don’t end up spending everything and getting completely hammered. This is what all problem drinkers should do, and totally works for me. Just as long as people don’t offer to buy drinks for me, or I don’t ask them too (yes, I’ve asked before whilst belligerent and got what I wanted). I also ate light today so that- along with the beer, I won’t consume a massive amount of calories. Eating over a thousand calories and then going out for a night of drinking and having around 10 beers is BAAAD.

I dug up some old posts from years ago. It’s always so depressing to read the things I wrote back when I was a kid.. I stil never really read any of my old journals anymore. It just makes me feel like crap.

I found a survey I took back in september of 01′ (must have been around 13 or 14 years old).
1.) Name one person you regret dating.
Derrek, he has messed up my mind. Now I rather not have another relationship
Looking back, Derrek didn’t do a damn thing to me.
2.) Name one person you can do without in your life.
Derrek
3.) Name one person of the same sex that you would kiss if you were unattached.
huh?
4.) Name one celebrity star that you find hot.
Heath Ledger, Josh Hartnett, Mark McGrath
HAHA! I can’t believe I put Mark McGrath on there, and it’s funny that I’m STILL obsessed with Heath Ledger
5.) Name one LJer that you find hot.
What is an LJer?
6.) Name one city that you find most appealing.
Parker, Colorado. It’s total horse country and it’s so green
7.) Favorite piece of jewelry?
turquiose necklace from Grandma
Lost it YEARS ago.
8.) Favorite piece of clothing?
(Jeans and A 80s cartoon T-shirt (Rainbow brite, My Little Pony, Etc..)
That was all I wore when I was that age
9.) Favorite place to be?
at the stables with my horse, or at home
That’s depressing as all hell, since I have not had horses in about 2 years now. All my fault, and not a day goes by that I wish I could just ride again.
10.) Favorite person to be with?
my horse (he is considered a person to me)
11.) What’s one regret that you have in life?
I can’t think of any right now..
That’s because I didn’t have any regrets back then
12.) Name one part of your body that you dislike most.
my skin
That’s no longer a problem. The teenage acne is mostly gone now, heh. Now I’m just fat!
13.) Name one part of your body that you love most.
my eyes
14.) What’s one thing you would like to do before you die?
Travel to beautiful places
One can never do enough traveling, but I did quite a bit and I do say I have now been to gorgeous countries
15.) What’s one thing you enjoy doing during your free time?
Working on my site, or riding
Nowadays - it’s drinking with friends or playing video games. I’ve gone from being a productive person to a lazy drunk.
16.) Which one person you’d like to meet (celebrity or not).
Heath Ledger
17.) Which one thing that you like to own someday.
Hanavarion Warmblood
Well, that happened, but I screwed it up.
18.) Which one goal that you’d like to achieve.
Make it far in my riding, like going to the Olympics
Ok I just want to cry now
19.) What’s your most favorite memory?
Galloping Synder through the alfafa feilds, with my old friends
Still my all time favorite memory
20.) What’s one memory that you would like to erase?
Agreeing to go out with Derrek
Wow I can’t believe I had such a problem with that guy, he did nothing wrong to me!

January 2002…
I made 2 new friends today! yay!!! One of them is this gothic chic and she’s awesome. I like gothic people, and heavy rocker people. They are cool. And I met a good friend of Brian’s, his name is Christian and we talked about video games and NIN in class today. He is such a sweetie!! omg!! He is just sooooo nice!

I hate posers. I cannot stand them, I’ve had enough of them. Roybn wore a punk outfit today - which is odd because she’s a teenbopper prep thing. Punk isn’t a fashion.. it’s in your blood. Fucking moron. As my best friend Andrea says, your only punk when monkeys start flying out of my butthole
*inside joke* lol!

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Haha! Wow.

I wish I had a my graphics I used to make for my past websites. I never backed them up, and when Matt stole my laptop a couple years back I lost everything. I ony wish I had them for memory sake, and I would like to have been able to improve them.
I’m really considering getting back into design, and redoing this page to make it more like what my sites once were. It’s just that I have forgotten so much as far as html, php, and photoshop… it’s probably been around 3 years since I last experimented with any of it.
Hm.. Well folks. I think it’s about time for me to step it up, I’m sure I still have some creativity hidden somewhere in my head.

I started working monday. All week I have been working 6am-noon (will do so tomorrow and friday as well). On this day, I talk to an old friend on myspace. There was a party, she invited me. I denied.. since my having to rise and shine at 4am to make it to my 6am shift.

So comes tuesday, and I get up quite easily and am actually looking forward to work, though wishing I could have attended that party. Later that day, another old friend texts me, saying his girlfriend is having a birthday party that night. AGAIN, I have to stay in because I had to work today at 6am.

Now I’m home, and got on myspace, and noticed a bulletin bout… guess what? THERE’S A PARTY TONIGHT.

GOD DAMMIT. I have work again, tomorrow morning at 6am (gotta get up at 4 once again). So I ain’t going.

What the hell? Every day that I have worked so far has had a nightly party. This rarely happens. It only had to because now that I finally got a job (that demands me waking up before the crack of dawn) everyone coincidentally is throwing parties, and all folks whom I haven’t seen in many months. AHH!

I could go out, but make sure I get my ass home by 11pm so I get enough sleep… but that’s impossible. I’m very familiar with myself when it comes to going out, once I have a beer, it leads to another, and another, and well… I’m pretty much incapable of moving the following day because of a hangover. With blending work with a social life I just cannot function, it’s either one or the other.
I’m just hoping I have the weekend off. There’s a big show friday night that I’ve been looking forward to for weeks. If I’m asked to come to work at 6am on saturday then I’ll have to miss it.

But it’s all worth it in the end, I really do enjoy work and makes me feel great about myself. Sure, customers are morons and piss me off (especially being in southlake - the richest town in the US), but it’s fun to be doing something productive.

I still can’t believe how people can enjoy bagels so damn much, I never really liked them in the first place.. and we have customers who come in everyday and get themselves the same ole bagel. First off - that must get boring, and it would be a lot cheaper just to buy them from the grocery store with your own cream cheese. I mean, we sell hundreds of them every morning. Boxes and boxes of bagels. Geez.
I try not to eat anything where I work though, it’s all very high in calories and I’m currently a damn manatee - if I ate the food they served here I’d be a whale within a month.

As stated previously, I like this job. I’m catching on pretty quick. One of the managers mentioned she’d start training me as cashier soon - which kind of bothers me. I’m just now getting my current position down and she already wants to stick me someplace new. What the hell. I like knowing my place and what I’m supposed to do, it keeps the customers happy and the line moving when I’m not asking for help when we’re in the middle of a rush. I hate seeing unsatisfied customers.

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AND I CAN’T STOP PLAYING FALLOUT 3.
I bought the Vault Boy bobblehead off ebay.. lol. I’m so obsessed with this game. I’m about halfway through level 19 and pretty much cleaned up on the main missions, I still have to complete the last one but I’ll get to that waaaay later once I’ve scavenged all of the Wasteland and side quests. Seriously, this game has become my life these past 2 months. I have no idea how many hours I’ve put into it but it’s quite a lot. Everything about it is perfect. I have my own separate life. I even have insane dreams just about every night based off of it.

Not to mention, I really enjoy hacking the computer terminals. I used to hate it, but after practicing I find it tons of a fun and a brain teaser.
I’ve pretty much played as a neutral character the whole time, never really doing anything extremely evil or super nice. I just steal a bunch of shit, so that’s pretty much the only thing bringing down my karma. Running around the wasteland shooting things and discovering new places is so damn fun.

I can’t wait to get the expansions. I don’t think I’ve had this much fun with a video game since Ocarina of Time (there’s been a lot since then, but as far as obsession). Oblivion is also a good game, but I really do enjoy Fallout a lot more - maybe because it is post-apocalyptic, and I love that kind of stuff.

FINALLY.

I start tomorrow. I don’t want to say where on here, just for privacy, but it’s a bagel/breakfast restaurant. I think it’ll be alright, it reminds me a Starbucks and that was a pretty cool job. It’s just that I might have to work early mornings… ick.

I also hung out with an old friend the other day and went to a rave. Sheesh, now I know why I haven’t been to one of those in about a year. Kids dressed up as idiots, with neon lights and geetered off their asses really makes me hate being a human and frightened about the future. So I drank, a bit too much… but it was the only way I was going to be able to tolerate anything. I probably made an ass of myself, but then.. everyone else was acting pretty stupid as well. The kids were nice at least, dumb.. but weren’t mean to me.

Even though I napped most of yesterday I managed to maintain my new ‘normal’ sleep schedule. I woke this morning around 9am. Now I need to go shopping for work clothes.

Megan wants a millionaire is fucking retarded, this is an insult to women everywhere and a total step back in feminism. Gosh. I think I’m the only girl in the world who demands to go dutch with a guy on everything.

Because of Maynard’s insane weight gain, I decided to switch food. I found this useful ferret nutrient chart and determined that the 8-in-1 Ultimate is the best food for them, and petsmart had it. It’s got 45% protein, which I think is the highest of all ferret food. I went a head and mixed it with their current stuff, to avoid upset tummies, and with time they’ll just eat that. Hopefully it’ll help Maynard loose weight and Indica gain some. Plus - I think it’ll make them feel better, since it’s more to their needs.

Speaking of food, I’ve been on a damn diet (for the 837785 time in my life) for the past several days. So far, it’s going good. I’ve actually managed to keep my intake under 1600 calories a day. I bought whole wheat spaghetti and shrimp, which I’ll make tomorrow night. I must be doing it right, because I don’t feel hungry. If I feel like munchies then I eat nuts.

And now, back to Fallout 3…
(the GREATEST game ever made)

I managed to go to sleep last night around 11, and woke this morning at 8.

YES EIGHT.

I never wake up around this time, unless I’ve been up all night in the first place.
AND I went for a 30 minute walk, haha.

I’m going to head over to a cosmetic store and apply, hopefully it’ll work out but there’s a big chance it won’t. I love makeup and think I’m fairly decent at it, but some of the girls at this store look like damn super models with clown faces. If I were to work there I don’t think I could just have days where I roll out of bed and put my hair up. Well… it’s still worth a shot, and it’s nothing near as bad as MAC stores or Sephora. And it’s a job.

And I dreamt that I went to a haunted house, found a hidden door and it took me to some weirdass opera house full of living dead people dressed up in 1700s style - big dresses, white wigs, etc. They locked me in a dungeon because I was still ‘alive’, and this is were things get hazy. There was some hot dude in it, looked like Brad Pitt from interview from a vampire crossed with some goth guy. I tried using my lucid dreaming to build a relationship with him, but I woke up before anything got going.

Uhm.. yeah. I don’t know where my fucking head goes when I sleep.

… Until I’ve been up an entire 24 hours. UGH.

I went to bed yesterday around noon, then woke sometime by 9pm. I’m sick of this. I done, I can’t have it - it’s making me unable to function as a human being and it’s only further making me want to kill myself.

So today, I decided to pull an all-nighter (or rather, an all dayer) in an effort to get my sleeping schedule back on track. I stayed up the whole night, then around 8am… did the dishes, cleaned the ferret cage, bought hair dye… did my hair (it’s now a dark brown, almost back - but not quite - looks pretty good actually). Then made up my face and went job hunting and bothering the places I’ve already applied at.
I applied at another store, and have an interview this friday. I’m not going to get all positive, since I have before and been shot down so many damn times. But it seems to be looking up.
Maybe having natural color hair helps a lot, but previously it wasn’t anything outrageous - just black and blonde. Wtf folks.

I had coffee around noon and then an energy drink - and I feel SHIT. I’m trying to stay up as late as 10, then hopefully go to sleep and wake in the morning, and try my damn hardest to maintain a sane schedule.
I should have never had that energy drink, or coffee even - I don’t know what the deal is with these drinks but they make me feel like hell. I’m jittery and delusional.

But overall, I’m proud of myself. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I haven’t been in the sun for WEEKS, or finally had a shower and put on makeup, but most likely… it’s because I actually got off my ass today.
I know this is something so simplistic for most people, but to me it’s a damn miracle. For the past 2 years all I’ve ever thought of my future was just to lay in bed and rot, and perhaps someone would smell death and find a decomposed corpse.

Am I finally changing?

I hope this isn’t just a phase, I hope I don’t go back to my old ways…

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And my ferret, Maynard is getting HUGE. I let them out every day and play with them, but somehow, he just keeps getting fatter. I hope it isn’t a thyroid problem, I put him on ‘diet ferret food’ (yes - they ACTUALLY sell this) but it’s not helping. And my female, who is 7 years old, is getting a little thin.
Hm.
Fat animals are adorable, but he’s nearing a point where I’m starting to get a little worried. Same for my female, except in the reverse.

This is what I am feeding them - but obviously, even though it is senior, it’s causing Indie to loose weight and not making a difference for Maynard.

I can stop giving him food 24/7, and only give rations… but where would that leave Indie, since she needs to gain?

I’ll think of something.

I went to Walmart to make a run for food. I FUCKING HATE THAT PLACE. I would choose to go somewhere else, but albertson’s is noticeably much more expensive, and walmart has pretty good deals. THERE’S SO MANY STUPID PEOPLE SHOPPING THERE.

Why is it that 5 people have to walk side-by-side down the parking lot aisle, leaving you driving slow as shit behind them? I’m a nice person, and I get pissed quietly and don’t do anything about it. But I swear, NEXT time I’m going to get right up on their ass and blast my horn. …. (haha, that came out funny).

After moving to the Dallas/Fort Worth area, one of the first things I noticed was how people would cross in front of the store without even looking or stopping, expecting the drivers to stop for them. This never happened in El Paso, the pedestrians would be the ones stopping and making sure it’s clear before walking, otherwise they’d likely get hit.

AND then the iggits who have to leave their damn shopping carts in the middle of the shopping aisle, walk about 20 feet and spend a hour figuring out what to buy… then your coming along and have to push their damn cart out of the way so that you can get through.

AND not the mention the people who take up the whole shopping aisle and walk slow as hell.

sheeeeesh.

At least it wasn’t a friday or saturday evening. I avoid Walmart like a plague on these days.

Holy crap I had a horrendous nightmare last night.

My past horse trainer’s youngest son stayed the night at my house in El Paso and died from an unknown cause during his sleep. I have no idea why the hell I dreamt this. He’s got to be around 5 years old right now, but in the dream he was an infant (just as I remember him). It was just very real, when I picked him up out of his crib and started screaming for help, running downstairs in tears telling my mom. eeeek!

And before the dream got to his passing, mom was playing a lot of video games and talking to men in chatrooms. That too, makes absolutely no sense. There were a bunch of non-existent games, including some weird one involving super mario AND donkey kong - it was like the N64 super mario, except you could play as DK as well.

Ok, enough about dreams. I’m sure nobody else wants to hear my weirdass nightly adventures. I guess I have nothing to write about these days.

I applied at 7-eleven and petco (again, but a different location). God dammit, I hope something works out. Otherwise I’m looking at taco bell or mcdonalds.
Well, fast food could be fun because I could be pissed off all day and treat customers like shit and not get fired.

And photos from July, with the austin group.

Devin *cough* and I at Red bud. Man, I wish I was swimming there right now

Today was rough.

Well. Everyday. Fucking. Sucks.
UGH

I don’t think I’ve left the house in 3 days, or even changed my clothes for that matter. I don’t even remember the last time I’ve showered or put on makeup (well no, I dressed up for VNV Nation a little over a week ago). It’s like life is just this stupid existence and I’m just wasting time (or buying time) by playing video games, watching the discovery channel, and playing with my ferrets. I’ve been falling asleep around 5pm and waking around midnight. I want a job, badly. But nobody is hiring me. I SHOULD be putting 5 applications in each day, but I don’t. I find it hard just to simply roll out of bed, and after being constantly discouraged after every interview or application process, and the call-backs and denials - UGH.

And the sick thing is that this BULLSHIT depression has been going on since I was fucking 14. I think it only stopped when mom and dad put me on drugs when I was 15 - 16. Perhaps I ought to try the whole shrink thing again for 3287281 time and get put back on meds. It’s obviously not some ‘funk’; I don’t think ‘funks’ last 8 years.

I’m not bitching or leaving a suicide note, but I really need to do something. I honestly cannot go on like this, it’s slowly making me batshit crazy. I need to stop disliking the world and myself and have some motivation, stop living in this stupid fear. Hell, I don’t know. It’s so much easier said then done. It’s like I have some kind of retardation in my brain that doesn’t allow me to get off my ass and stop dwelling on life being shitty. When people criticize me for thinking this way, it just makes it worse by further angering me and adding onto my guilt. I feel that nobody understands a damn thing.

If only this whole job thing wasn’t so difficult. A job doesn’t just mean more income, but self-appreciation, a reason to get up everyday and not feel like everyone is against me. It would distract me from thinking so damn much. It would help decrease the ridiculous amount of guilt I have.

I don’t even want to go out anymore, I prefer being alone. Maybe I’m finally getting over the whole ‘party Beth’ mentality and am ready to grow the fuck up. Or maybe I’m scared to go out, scared of judgement and my inability to control my drinking and my actions when I am drunk. I’m also tired of stupid people, I mean - as far as stupidity is concerned I admit I’m probably the queen of bad-choices… but people just annoy me these days. We’re all fucking selfish. I’m tired of assholes who don’t even know me giving me stink eyes, making fun of me, making assumptions. Sheesh. And I know I’m the last person on earth who complicates things by being assertive when it comes to these kinds of folks, if someone doesn’t like me I usually try to talk to them and find a common interest. Maybe because I’ve been picked on a lot, but I know aggressive people are only like that because, they too, are hurting. Eh, I just suck badly with social skills, I didn’t have much friends as a kid. I spent most of my time with horses, I think they are much more tolerable.

I’m going to visit El Paso and my parents in about a month, I’m seriously considering having a discussion about school. I want to go, badly. I need to do something about my future, and with this whole recession and the job market being all jacked up, going to school would probably be a good idea. By the time I get a degree maybe the economy will have fixed itself (or I just tell myself that, but a large part of me thinks it’s just going to get worse). I want to major in vet-tech (pre-vet at West Texas A&M was fucking HARD, but I think being a technician would be a piece of cake).

So yeah. Enough with the ‘woe is me’ bullshit.

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(I posted this on myspace, and am just cross-posting it onto here…).

So I had a dream the other night that I was in my old elementary school in el paso, having a drink at the water fountain. A chubby little Mexican boy in a suit walked up and wouldn’t stop pestering me, so I sprayed him with water.

He ran off crying, and the next thing that happens is his mariachi dad shows up and chases me, threatening to beat me with his guitarron. He kept yelling at me how I was going to have to pay for that suit - all in spanish, but I don’t know spanish… so I guess I made up some weird spanish-​sounding language for this dream.

I’ve heard that our dreams represent what are deep thoughts are.

Whoever said that doesn’t know what the hell they’re talking about.