BethTrippin.com

What an Xbox 360’s funeral would be like. haha

So I had a weirdass dream last night that I got a Doberman Pincher puppy (what I’ve been infatuated with for a very long time, I think they are badass dogs). He was perfect, black and brown.. ears cropped and tail docked.

Then I get a text at some point of the day from my friend Emily, asking if I wanted a Chihuahua puppy.

Weird. To dream of having a puppy, of the kind I most like.. then to get a text for a Chihuahua that day, a dog I used to own and turned over to my parents years ago (they still have him, his name is Yoda) - the last breed I would like to own again.

There’s a show on lifetime called ‘Blush‘ and I love it. It’s just like ‘Project Runway‘ - a competetive reality type, but with makeup. It gives me ideas.

I also had badass weekend of getting drunk and going to shows. Cassie also took me to a salon where I got my lip and eyebrows waxed. I’ve had that done before, but they didn’t really take off much (as far as my brows). This time they did, and it’s amazing how much it’s made my whole face look better. Then we got pedicures - which I’ve never done before and was a little apprehensive about spending money on it - but it turned out great. The massage was something I seriously needed. It was really weird having my feet touched by someone else but I just shoved that stupid anxiety to the back of my mind. I also got my toes painted, french tips. I like looking at them all the time now.

Also, Devin hasn’t called in four fucking days and I can’t help but fret that he’s dead or found someone else. I’d like to see him on thanksgiving but that won’t happen unless he fucking calls before thursday. I spent Thanksgiving alone last year and I’m quite certain I can do it again this year. Blah.

I’m feeling really bitchy and coming down with a damn cold.

For the past 3 months or so, I’ve been logging onto mycrack and I am bom-barded with weight-loss bullshit.

It’s getting quite annoying, it’s already a pain in my ass [being a woman] and seeing so much bullshit related to being extremely thin.
What ever happened to the ideal Venus of Willendorf? (first figure of a woman discovered; from around 24,000 BCE who was the ‘ideal’ shape of a lady). Of course, we are are so easily manipulated by the media today.

So a few days a go, I log on… and am constantly getting another weight-loss ad with this photo…

WTF?! Her spreaded left hand is of equal diameter as her ass (well, the lack of ass she has…)! And nearly as wide as her tummy!

As a woman who is 5′8″, 165 lbs… I slightly overweight but not entirely (I used to be 195 lbs and yes I am the one on the far left) so I’m quite thankful for where I am at now) I can succumb to these media-induced ideals and ….

a. Stop drinking beer (never going to happen), work out 2 hours a day, and eat salads with no dressing with a side of egg-whites everyday.
b. become a coke/meth addict - hell, teeth can be replaced anyways - right?
c. purge myself after each meal, and spit-and-chew whenever I dare feel hungry

—- I can’t do any of that. I’m proud to wear size 9 and I love my butt/curves/flubb, and if I’m too ‘bootylicious’ for you then I wish you luck in finding someone you can fuck in the holding-while-standing-up position.

AND my size comes handy in the mosh pit.

AND if I ever were to get in a fight (never have been, probably won’t ever be in) I could just fall on the girl and it would be her demise.

BLAH.

*** This is not intended to insult ladies of smaller proportions, we all have different figures based on our metabolisms. I’m just ranting because that damn ad set me off (and I’ve had a few drinks, and feel aggro at this moment). We are all beautiful, but I’m tired of seeing ladies being subjected to have a certain appearance. I appreciate being accepted for who I am and those in the past who have made physical remarks about me are more insecure.

For - of all places - Hot Topic. HAHA.

They should hire me, I know quite a lot about a broad range of music - I can go on for hours about industrial and I’m also a big fan of punk. The problem is I don’t know jack shit about all the crappy popular bands most kids are into these days. Play me a fall out boy song and I’ll think it’s panic at the disco or some lame band of that relation. I’m also sure my style of dress should earn my right of passage - I don’t have shittons of mainstream accessories but hopefully they’ll see past that.
I really want to work there, it would be a fun environment, I love music, and above all I could wear my piercings and whatever the fuck I want.
Problem is, I’m horrendous at interviews - I can’t sell myself worth a damn; I sweat, get red, tremble, stutter, and usually say something stupid that ruins the whole thing. If I don’t get hired here I’m going to drive into oncoming traffic. I also really despise Hot Topic and never buy anything from there, but I know all the brands they carry. Trip pants are my favorite.

We’ll see. I hope to gosh this works out.

My sister told me there’s a mouse living in the garage. I went out to have a cigarette, sitting on some boxes and being very quiet and still in hopes that he’d come out of hiding. He did. The little guy ran across the area about 6 feet in front of me - under the car, to the otherside. Then once again when I was heading to go inside. Awwww… it was a little brown field mouse, looked to be full-grown. He’s probably just wants to get out of the cold.

We decided to name him George Bush; being that he likes taking over other peoples’ areas.

And I’m really missing Devin, it seems to be getting worse each day. Blah. I wish I could shrink him down and put him in my pocket

Mom took me shopping for the wedding, against my wishes. We went to a posh mall in Dallas, I couldn’t find jack shit and getting frustrated about it. I was going to get black pants and some kind of black top, paired with a scarf or something. We hit up the Gap, ugh.

Then we go to Anthropologie, which is ridiculously over-priced and I cannot believe how they get away with fucking people over to that extent. I’m wondering around looking at everything (bad mood settling in)… then I look straight ahead, and there’s this black dress. She glowed. She’s ruffly and simple, made of cotton. I try her on, doesn’t fit, try on another, doesn’t fit. Try on the NEXT size up - barely fits. We ask for the NEXT fucking size, they don’t have it.

It was THE dress. I had to have it. Got it. Can’t breathe in it, but whatever. It’s my damn amazonian/swimmer sized shoulders and rip cage.

I haven’t owned/worn a dress for a couple years. We then got black patterned footless tights, and paired with my busted up red heels… I actually felt like a lady.

The wedding turned out to be pretty good, I suppose a few glasses of wine went a long way when associating with family. Thank God there was alcohol, that was a pleasant surprise.

The ceremony was lame, several bible verses, a girl and guy sang some song that was half english, half italian (the bride’s italian I suppose). My feet were killing me because those damn heels, and sister had a bunch of funny comments.

Then the reception, the food was splendid.

I also saw mother DANCING, and it was hilarious. My sister and I must’ve laughed a solid 5 minutes at the sight of that. But when she noticed us and tried to get us to join her, we quickly darted away.

Then to the bar at the frou-frou hotel. I mostly sat quietly with family as they gabbed about dresses, trips to Europe, jewelry, and so forth. Bleh. And the bar-tender was a dick. I gave him $10.00 for a $62.00 tab. Ha, so there.

Then my sis, her boyfriend and I went to our room, and fell asleep with Cheaters on.

I will NEVER get married.

FUCKING CRAMPS!!!!!

… Will suck.

My oldest cousin on my mother’s side is getting married. My sister and I agreed that we will take shots before the wedding, as it’s highly expected that there will be no alcohol at the reception, or during any of the event. My sister has more of a reason to be uncomfortable during this time, as she’s… gone through a lot… as far as marriage is concerned. And it was very undeserving and fucked up.

Mother’s side of the family is… well… different… in lack of better words. Or wait, normal. I’m the different one. They are of the Christian, hard-ass, closed-minded variety. There’s tension, mostly because of a step-cousin I lived with back in Frisco who made negative claims and rude remarks about me… and I know it somehow escalated to everyone of that side of the family.. they all see me as black sheep; drug addict; spoiled and lost. It’s sad. Especially since this cousin wanted a grand from my father for “emotional damages”. All she got was $100 gift card to Chili’s.

If I could make money off people for “emotional damages” I’d be a damn millionaire by now.

Drug addict - I am not. I’m sorry, but I prefer not to attend church and follow some bullshit belief… and that doesn’t make me an immoral person. In fact - I’m quite sure I have more morals then some of them.

Mom comes into town tomorrow, it’s going to be a nightmare. The woman is nuts, as am I. But we are in very, very, very different ways and it clashes entirely. I love her to pieces but there is severe lack of communication and understanding between us. Talking to her is beyond frustrating and emotional, she believes I’m bipolar and need help… I somewhat agree but refuse to admit. She simply doesn’t understand in the least bit.

Dad comes in town Saturday. Just as it is with mom, there’s a lack of communication and understanding. He and I get along, but my guilt and shame interferes.
I blame myself, but then… a part of me wants to blame them too, for pushing me to be like them, and as for dad… never being around. It’s a feeling of abandonment that I have. Dad has bought me everything, and spoiled me like no kid should be. But I feel that he did that in place of his absence. I don’t want money. And now, it’s too late and I’ve grown to be immature and inadequate.
Why do I let myself fester these thoughts? I have met people worse off then I - and they are successful. Sometimes I wish I was thrown out at 15, then I’d be forced to understand responsibility. And as now, my confusion about about people, life, and the real world has put me in some kind of quarter-life crisis and I come off as being misunderstood.

For once, I want to yell at them, throw these stupid debit cards at them… leave, and figure out how to survive entirely on my own.

………………………………………………………….

But for good news, Devin and I are still together. Just not physically. I have no phone so he can’t call me, but we’re sending messages on mycrack. I can’t wait to hear his voice

And I wish there was some way for us to be together. It frustrates me.

For the past several weeks I have been getting the most wacked out dreams, I’d like to post them but their just so weird and detailed I never know where to start.
Last night’s was a zombie invasion, but we were all living on some strange kind of futuristic world. It was like nobody went outside, and the land was like just some kind of giant building we all lived in. The dream was full of blood, screaming… people dying all over the place, lost children, people crying. Lots of running. And towards the end, after all the running, there were a few handful of people left and we were all cornered at the end of this massive building behind a glass wall (I think I was thinking of the scene from “I Am Legend”) and the zombies bust through, I manage to find some kind of tunnel with this girl (who I’ve never met in my life, I must’ve conjured her up somehow) and we get outside. We are right next to the ocean, and there’s these big slide-like structures into it. So with the zombies after us we slide into the water.

I don’t remember the rest but I think I woke up. Then continued another weird-ass dream that was totally different.
I was back in El Paso, and my grandparents were there (first dream I’ve had with them in it since they passed). They had this huge apartment that was probably the size of Notre Dam, and every inch of the walls were lined with books. Then for some reason I left their apartment and started walking down this dirt road next to a pecan orchard, I had my first three ferrets with me… Casey, Patches, and Bo. They were able to communicate with me, and they were all mad that I gave them such stupid names. I remember Casey asking me to call her “Morgan”. We then stumble upon and bunch of ferret leashes, and they all argue over what colors they want.

So I keep walking, and somehow the scenery changes to a creek that’s swelled over it’s banks and I’m walking in the shallow water on the sides, but it’s like a park. Similar to that of Barton Creek in Austin… but still in EL Paso so it’s very barren. The water looks like that of the Rio Grande - brown. People are swimming in it, but like dolphins.
So I’m walking along the bank in these shallow waters and I run into my soccer coach, who looks like he’s about 80 years old and I try to initiate conversation, but he gets mad at me because I’m making him late for the bus.
The rest is just too weird to describe, somewhere in all of that there’s a huge building as tall as the clouds and I ride a zip line from the top to the ground.

In both these dreams my old apartment crew pops up every once in a while, mad at me. So I run away from them. Devin pops up occasionally too, and we hold each other and give kisses, but he kept disappearing. These two circumstances made these dreams somewhat upsetting.

The other night I dreamt I pulled a weed pipe out of my nose. I guess that makes some sense as most illicit drugs are taken through the nose. It was a chillum, all bloody and boogery.

Each night is like an incredible journey pulled out from nowhere, I wonder why it’s been like this for these past few weeks. I love it though, I’m always curious to know what my strange little mind will come up with next.

Cause I’m bored, and wasting much time browsing the internet looking at dumb videos and photos.

Badass. Could use this on the toilet.

Even better.

NO WAY! Warmth and privacy while on my laptop? HELLZ YEAH. I want this!

……………………

And this… Robotic dog thing… scares the shit out of me. Thanks to this damn video I’m going to have nightmares. It’s so realistic; the day it can run 60 mph with weapons strapped on it will be the end of humanity as we know it.

>>>>> BUT!!!! - You gotta see the Beta version… I’ve been watching this over and over again and cannot stop laughing.

I want to die.

I left austin, am back in DFW and I miss him so much I don’t know how to handle it.

Rotersand - Almost Wasted

All the time i called my own
And all the times that wouldn’t come
All the times i went for waiting
All the time that passed me by

All the times the world was mine
And all the times i played for time
All the time that rushed with fever
All the times i didn’t try

Those lessons learned - almost wasted
Those assets earned - almost wasted

And all my time is almost wasted
All my memories and all my time

And all my time the blood i’ve tasted
Canned in memories of all my time
…………………………………..

Imperative Reaction - Collapse

Just let it go
It doesn’t matter
It’s all sustainable
Just continue to grow
As we use everything obtainable

It’s what you wanted
Not what we need
It’s what you started
And now we bleed

To a means this is the end
Line up as we pick apart the wound we cannot mend
The structure is collapsing
Broken by the weight of endless demand

This is progress failing
This is hope draining away
This is excess derailing
No way to cope with what we’re giving away

Just let it fall
It never mattered
It’s all replaceable
Just continue this all
As we sink
Everything is usable

It’s what you wanted
Not what we need
It’s what you started
And now we bleed

To a means this is the end
Line up as we pick apart the wound we cannot mend
The structure is collapsing
Broken by the weight of endless demand

This is progress failing
This is hope draining away
This is excess derailing
No way to cope with what we’re giving away

To a means this is the end
Line up as we pick apart the wound we cannot mend
The structure is collapsing
Broken by the weight of endless demand

This is progress failing
This is hope draining away
This is excess derailing
No way to cope with what we’re giving away

To a means this is the end
Line up as we pick apart the wound we cannot mend
The structure is collapsing
Broken by the weight of endless demand

This is progress failing
This is hope draining away
This is excess derailing
No way to cope with what we’re giving away
………………………………………….

Yay for industrial, the genre nobody else likes. Rotersand is a very good underground industrial/techno group I encourage those of similar interests to look up. If you decide to look into them, I suggest these songs - Almost Wasted; Electronic World Transmission; Alive; Rushing, and Social Distortion.

Another good, industrial/synthpop group I have been listening to quite often goes by the title of Imperative Reaction and I suggest these songs - Judas; Collapse; Further to Fall; Never Ending; Something I Left Behind, and Giving into the Change.

Municipal Waste is coming to Austin tomorrow; I am excited… time to let out some aggression. Thrash is almost as badass as industrial.