There’s a lot of ridiculusly humourous stories I’ve collected whilst being in Colorado, I wouldn’t even know where to begin if I were to tell them. I spent most of my time there camping in the mountains up in Nederland, the park in Boulder (which was better then comedy central and cartoon network combined, though sometimes got pretty stupid with all the locals and traveling kids being crazy drunks). Often I just found random sleeping spots when I didn’t work up enough money for gas to get to anywhere… but always was with newfound friends and stuck around different crews. We also spent some time in Denver.. which SUCKED.

One thing is my current health condition… it was about 1 week into Colorado that I woke early morning after a night of drinking MD 20/20 with this horrible pain in my abdomin. It was most extreme in the center, right below my ribcage. I tried to battle it out but about an hour into it I started puking bile, and I mean LOTS of it. I asked my buddies for a ride to the hospital - so off I go… I’m hoping it’s some kind of stomach flu but I know it is not, the pain is so unbearable. I’ve never felt such in my life.

I get to the hospital, they give a dihydromorphine drip (mmhmm, however the pain at that point was so bad nothing seemed to help), run a series of tests such as an ultrasound, catscans, etc… and then tell me I have some shit called pancreatitis. Apparently I’ve drank my pancreas to it’s breaking point.

I spend a week in the hospital, bombarded with social workers, religious AA chapmans.. even my parents found out and show up and pull an intervention on my ass. Being in such pain in the hospital is the last place for all this self-reflection bullshit.

A week later I’m out, I manage to not touch beer or anything for another 2 weeks or so, but eventually I fuck up again and go on a 3 day rum binge and end up back in the hospital… same shit goes down. This time I left early against their orders, on July 13th - my 23rd birthday. The following week was hell, being on the streets in massive pain is NOT fun.
Though, in the end of all that I consider myself lucky, it takes some kind of wake-up call to make one realize that we’re not invincible. It could have been worse, I could have been killed or accidently killed an innocent.

Needless to say, I’m still drinking.. about half the past amount but it’s very hard to not get back to that point. I don’t drink enough to withdrawl, so I’m able to make it through a day without a drink. But hell, I’ll figure it out at somepoint.

Also, I got a rat. I’ve currently had him for about 2 months and named him Ned after the town Nederland. He’s still a baby, and pretty much with me 24/7. Click on photo for full size.

Yep.
Next plan - Tennesse, then the east coast. I’m really hoping for Virginia.

 I’m drunk; which is a common situation for me. I cannot begin to explain how pathetic and alcoholic I am. I finally am able to find a computer and be capable to upload 426 photos on mymyspace (which took bout 2 hours). I now am capable of being able to update this lameass ‘blog’… I’m just using this fuckin domain to back-up photos (and so forth); I keep saying that I will one day get off my arse and make something of this… however it’s a bit complicated with my lifestyle.

We are heading to Colorado; bout 3 weeks behind ’schedule’; however I have found so many buddies in the process. Currently I’m pretty much homeless - I have the option to live with my sister again; however - last time I did that I held a job and it went to shit… I cannot handle working 9am-5pm …

 I’m actually enjoyin my life at the moment; I found family. We are to head to Colorado tomorrow. I met fellow whom is a tattoo artist; he has already done some badass work on me.

Well… I’ll keep everyone posted.

Oh and my hair is dreading; I have been neglecting it for weeks and now; well… I think it looks prettty damn good.

Headin to colorado.

I’m still in Austin Texas; whether it is a mental breakdown that keeps me away from Dallas -  I am not sure - but I have a bad habit of leaving homebase for several months and fucking off and drinking…. or well, I still drank my ass off whilst living in Dallas/Fort Worth…. I just enjoy meeting new folks in new environments.

I intend to head to Colorado soon; we plan to rubbertramp our asses up there since I crave seeing mountains again; and moreso seeing new people. It’s already here, in Austin Texas that I have met so many awesome folks that I do not want to leave, though I want to have some kind of change of environment - I guess I cannot find myself properly and choose to drink and run away from everything. I cannot explain this certain breaking point; however alcohol is a huge influence. I often wish I could just be normal.

The past week I’ve been going through problems with my innerds - I might only be 22 but I’ve been drinking for many years and perhaps it is finally catching up with me.  I don’t keep track of how much I drink; as after 10 beers I binge. My buddy hooked me up with antibiotics… I think I have a kidney infection. I’ve had bladder and urinary infections, but this is different. My back hurts like a motherfuck and peeing is hell. I find myself waking up every hour of the night in pain and I feel that my body is near bout to explode.

I need to slow down.

As I type this at this moment I am sucking on my beautiful bottle of Old Crow.

Is this a demise of Beth? Or simple a quarter-life crisis?

I cannot foretell the future; I understand I am immature and irresponsible - but I’m one lost individual and I choose to drink my ass off to escape how much I have fucked up. Alcohol is the solution yet the cause of all problems.

I enjoy those I currently am around; I feel that I have folks who enjoy my company… and the reason for that is that I just want to be liked. All humans want to be liked.

I met this swell felllow; Harvey ; he’s a very talented tattoo artist. He did a piece of one of my ferrets on my calf. We’ve been hanging out for weeks now; living together with other buddies.
New places. New faces; I love it. I enjoy meeting new folks.

Well, I’m getting drunker as I get further into this blog, so I must quit typing.

There’s a big chance I might up and leave and go traveling, I really don’t know what’s going on my life right now.

I also need to get rid of this dumbass site because I’ve really lost inspiration to blog; it makes me out to be such a whiny bitch.

A lot has happened, lost another job, met a guy (no idea where that’s going but I’m just taking it as it comes - after all; men = greatness, then quickly followed by hell and further loneliness). Been going to many punk/metal shows, denounced 4 people as friends in the past month (3 of which because drugs and I’m not going to see them go down like so many others; and I’ve been there, lost my first two apartments because of that and much of my sanity) and another because of that guy I mentioned previously (makes no sense; she’s just crazy).

I’ve been drunk for the past 4 years or so but it comes in phases, and the past 3 months has literally been nonstop. I mean, I do manage not to drink during the day, but once 6pm comes around I get very shaky and antsy and that leads me to a drink, then to another, and about 10 more following that. Otherwise I just get jumpy, my vision slightly looses itself; and forget trying to sleep, the paralysis gets horrendous.
The drama involving several folks has pretty much set me in a bad mind-set and my depression is kicking in again. Or, well. I think I’m always depressed. I just like to try to keep myself distracted.
I’ve also had a bad habit these past many months of not going home. I go out, and pretty much couch surf between multiple friend’s apartments and get drunk as piss night after night. I hate coming home, it just makes me feel guilty to be sitting in my sister’s house because I cannot get my life together. I also hate the fact that when my parents come in town I feel like I’m of no importance - and sure, it is my fault, I’ve always ben a very complicated child. But as of now, I almost feel no bond with my family (besides my sister, whom I feel is slowly getting tired of putting up with me).

Hell. Fuck it. It could always be worse. That’s my life motto. Has been for many years. And when I do come home, I enjoy lying on my floor playing with the ferrets.

Damn, who woulda thought vodka and mango V8 Splash was a damn good combination.

If someone could just create a tele-porter; please contact me. I’m interested in being a guinea pig. Send me to an uninhabited island with nothing but horses and rolling hills with rocky cliffs and waterfalls.

Oh and I just remembered to mention, I got a letter in the mail today with was rather humorous. Texas has this whole ‘Don’t Mess with Texas’ campaign; which… previously… thought it was just some random road-signs that tax payers paid for. BUT - this letter I received had a notice saying that I was witnessed throwing a cigarette butt out of my car on October 5th 2009 at 7am and a civilian turned me in. The letter even has my plate number on it, make and model of my car, and the location of which this occurred at.
What boggles my mind is the fact that some dumbass tree-hugging hippie would go as far as to call the ‘Report a Litterer’ program for a mother fucking cigarette butt. Ridiculous.

Move to an Indian slum. Then call ‘Report a Litterer’ and see how many laughs you get. Jesus Christ. The letter they sent me probably used just as much resources as a fucking cig butt that’ll bio-degenerate in 10 years anyway.

People are so fucking retarded. All they want to do is start problems. There’s such a select few who actually care and want to have a good time.

Oh how I love being sick.

But I’m still going out tomorrow.

And btw - Assassin’s Creed 2 is fucking awesome. A million times better then the first.

Given some time I’m going to fuck up everything if I don’t get my shit together. I hate beer.

I think I’m just going to seclude myself in my bat-cave for a few days. I don’t particularly want to, but I need to calm down and get some rest. My phone is broken anyway so nobody can contact me. I also have a new job, today was my second day and I’m lovin it. It’s at a video game store; so it’s perfect and very easy. Tomorrow will be an 11 hour shift because Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 comes out at midnight. Oh joy…

I also dreamt the other day that I got to be part of a camera crew for a porn; but it was The Simpsons.. , and everything was flooded because of a hurricane… and jesus showed up… Uhm. Yeah. Makes no sense.

So No Thanks Fest was last weekend, just two good ole’ days of being drunk, listening to good music and rolling around in the mud. My stomach hurts like crazy from all the alcohol consumption (well, and I drank last night, so that’s mainly why). Someone jacked the front plate of my truck and maybe my ipod (though there’s a large chance I could have just dropped it somewhere). But it’s worth it in the end, since I haven’t had that much fun in a really long time and I’m already impatient about next year. I’ve never met such hospitable people in my life, everyone was just very friendly and if they had a bottle of booze or some food they’d straight up ask if you wanted any.

The music was great, no real bad shit happened, even getting shot twice by a paintball gun by Lala’s crazy boyfriend was fun.

I also dreamt last night that I was in a Buddhist temple and there was some attractive dude I was hanging out with who wore a shirt with Sesame’s Street Ernie on it. The dream got very vivid but I’ll spare you guys. I wonder who he’s supposed to represent. His face is fuzzy, but didn’t seem like anyone familiar. Just an average guy.
I’ve been getting some really wacked dreams lately.

Oh and, uhm… by the way. I quit my job. Well, it was more like… I stopped showing up.
I just couldn’t take it anymore, they were a bunch of lazy assholes who had me doing all the work.

So here I am back at point A. Jobless. Huge social life. Drunk 75% of the time. Least I’m not depressed, or not yet anyways.

My damn Macbook had some kind of stroke and won’t turn on now.. well; she turns on but stays on this floresent blue screen and doesn’t boot-up from there. Fuck my life. I intend to take her to the apple store to find out exactly what’s going on, but I’m sure it will involve me spending a asscrap of money to fix. I’m worried that it could be the harddrive; I have all my music on my ipod (which I seriously need to backup NOW before that MF fails on me just as all electonics do) and many photos uploaded on this server - but there are still things on the comp that mean the world to me (such as numorous videos of my deceased friend). I just refuse to think about it because it makes me want to bomb apple inc.

I’ve also been partying moreso in Bedford; I ended up calling in sick for work one day and then not calling nor showing another day last week. That cannot happen again, I will loose my job and once more I’ll be in a world of depression self-hatred shit. I’m really back on the alcohol again, that too must stop. However, willpower is just some word I cannot fathom. Everyday I clock out at work and drive home I have the hardest time keeping my mind set on just going to the house and not pulling into a convience store to buy booze. 95% of the time I fail. 80% of that I end up drunk as shit and get 3 hours of sleep and somehow manage to make to work at 6am still drunk and hating it. It really has nothing to do with having fun anymore; but just this weird pull of having my mind someplace other then ‘normal’.

Well. It’s only up to me to do anything about it, yet here I am - have had 8 beers and gotta get up at 6am tomorrow. I’m not ‘drunk’, but am buzzing slightly. Oh fuckkkk.
Why me? Is there any REAL explanation for this? I got piss drunk last night, and 4 nights last week. Shouldn’t that be enough?! My sister and her bf even hide their beer in her car, which is fuckin pathetic. Sheesh.

As for the whole Bedford party-hardy times, I think those folks are all sick of me. I need to be caged.

Yeah, well. I must get some sleep.

Work is taking over my life. But it’s still better then lying around hating myself and wasting my parents money. It’s great being able to pay my sis for housing and buy my own shit. It’s really taken a lot of guilt off my back and has made my life so much better.

There isn’t much to talk about these days, I’m consumed with working and whenever I’m home I’m passed out by 9pm or playing video games.

I’m off sunday, so I’ll be able to go to a much anticipated show in Denton tomorrow night; the band headlining is Hellbasterd and they’re pretty awesome. There’s also a bunch of good local grind/crust bands playing as well.
I think I’m just excited about going to a show, it’s been about a month since I last went to one and I’m starting to get withdrawls.

The past two times I went out I just hung and got drunk with a small group of friends in Bedford. Fun times. Fun times. I’ve really been saving money by not going to bars, it makes a huge difference. Not to mention the fact I have a job and am putting in about 40 hrs a week. I pay my sister half my paycheck, but I’m still better on cash then I ever have been and knowing I earned it makes me feel pretty damn good.

As for the diet - eh. I’m not doing as good, I’m still keeping my calories under 1600 a day and I don’t drink anything other then water with lemons (but beer calls on occasions). Or well, hm.. I’m actually not doing anything wrong with it. I eat a multigrain turkey sandwich with no mayo at work, and at home I make sure to consume just low-cal stuff. I’ve also been doing good with not eating past 7pm.
Yesterday was a big no-no … I got a full rack of ribs from Chili’s and ate the ENTIRE thing. Eeeeek.

Also, something hilarious happened last weekend, I got a call from ‘it’ and I was drunk as shit and being a bitch to him. Haha; I’m sure I said a lot of dumbass things but hell, I don’t care. I’ll never see him again anyways, he’s on the otherside of the damn country. Good.

Cleaning would have gone by so much faster, except the vacuum isn’t working properly… there’s something wrong with the belt. So with that, I got on my hands and knees and tediously vacuumed the entire ‘cat’ room (around 15 ft x 15 ft) using the attached hose. It sucked (well, literally), and the heat coming out the vacuum just made it ridiculously hot and the damn thing kept falling on me whenever I pulled on the hose. I decided that I’d get to my room and the other parts of the house whenever the vacuum is fixed.

But, as a benefit for all that hard work, the carpet has never been cleaner. Focusing on it inch-for-inch really makes a difference.
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Also, today at work was pretty fun. There is this girl who works there, whom I really get along with; however she only only comes in on the weekends. I wish she’d work during the week too, she’s fuckin hilarious and really makes things more enjoyable. Pretty much everything we say to each other is random cracks on customers, stupid stories about and our love for alcohol, and how much we hate bagels (given - we work at a bagel shop were folks pay $2.00 for a bagel with shmear).

My feet have being killing me for weeks though, as because of work I am having to stand for 6 hours daily. It could be my shoes; they are Globes… that I bought many months ago (online) but found them too ugly to wear. They came in handy for work though, since they are solid black and that it part of the dress code. I had to sew the tongues down with a leather needle because they didn’t hug my feet properly and kept slipping off the back of my heel. I talked to another co-worker about my foot pain and she said it was normal, as hers hurt her for many weeks when she first started working at the store; so with her input I figure it is normal, and not caused by my footwear. This is the exact pair.

This is one randomized post, the reason for this is because I drank a Joose. For those who have no idea of this drink, it is a 9.9% alcohol malt liquor packed with caffeine, taurine and ginseng - and costs around $2.50 for 24oz. It’s not in many places, which is a good thing.. because if so I’m sure the fda would intervene (as they did with Sparks). It tastes like bum-piss but it’s worth it.
Although, it gives the most horrendous hangovers and constant consumption could probably do some hellish damage to your body.

Well, I’ll just shutup now.

But, better yet - my mac won’t boot up! YAY FOR ME! Everything is just fucking peachy!

When I turn it on, it just stays on it’s blue load-up screen. I’ve removed the battery, cleaned it, let it sit on charge for several hours… everything. And it’s still being a chut. ARGH.
I don’t want to think about it. If I lose everything on there…

ANYWAYS. Before I break something -

El Paso was marvelous. I also went to Cloudcroft New Mexico, which was also marvelous (being that it was 55 degrees there).
The first night in my hometown kind of sucked. It was nice seeing everyone, but for some weird reason Sunshine is now friends with some retards and they pretty much made things shitty. You would think these guys have never seen women, or alcohol before - and they’re mothers must have done a crapass job raising them. I ultimately ended up kicking one of them in the face the following day, hell… he deserved it. I’m only mad at myself for not kicking him harder…grr. I’m not a fucking object and if your not going to listen to me I’m going to get my point across no matter what. So don’t put your goddamn hands on me you disgusting air force pervert. Some men need to be castrated (no, ALL).

The second night was much better, I saw an old friend whom I haven’t seen in years. I got pretty sloshed at the bar and then we went to Zee’s house - which fucking sucked. It was techno music with a bunch of rolling coked out morons all around the age of 16. Yes… I used to do the same thing, but now looking back.. man I was such an idiot.

The third night was much better. We went to a karaoke bar, just us four girls. We ended up running into old friends there, went to their apartment.. shot the shit and had more drinks, and passed out on her couch. The karaoke bar was awesome, especially fat dudes who sing and dance and actually make funny jokes that everyone laughs at.
AND!… I saw my first crush there, hahaha. About 11 years later, and he’s overweight and balding!!! AWESOME. He was such an asshole to me, I’ll never forget the night I called him whilst at a slumber party and he asked me if I started my period yet. I tell you, that ruined my entire future. I’ve hated guys ever since.

It was also nice seeing my folks. Dad is doing great, apparently that operation in Phoenix was exactly what he needed.

I also bought a ‘Wired’ magazine and read it the whole flight back, I’m surprised that I’ve never read these before. I really liked it, and so I ordered a subscription. I need to start learning new things because I find myself getting stupider.

I work tomorrow at 6am. I’m cranky as fuck. I’m hungover. God damn my life. Back to dieting and alcohol portioning. And my computer is busted. I’m also suffering badly from Fallout 3 withdrawls.. I’ve already got the ps3 booted and I’m sitting right in front of it ready to kick some mutant ass.

I also got an email from this website’s hosting server and there is going to be a dns change. This presents a problem.
The laptop I had all my domain information was stolen about 3 years ago, so I can’t remember where I registered this domain, or any information (password, username, etc).
Possibly when they make the change this site will just redirect to my registrar, but then.. I’m not sure.
The switch will be tomorrow, so expect this place to offline for a minute.

Work has been pissing me off lately. Customers are complete idiots, and one of the shift-leads really gets under my skin and makes me want to go crazy. She’s demanding as fuck, has the loudest Starbuckslike voice and comes off as really fake. She tells me what to do, which I’m totally fine with (being that I’m under her) but it’s just constant. She asks me to sweep; which I already know do WITHOUT someone telling me too, and the second I’m done she tells me to take out the trash, and so forth. Really, I’m not an idiot. I know what needs to be done. It’s only when it is something new I’ll have to be told to do it, and even then I can figure it out on my own. She also apologizes to me about 3 times a day for her bitching, and the first few days it was alright but now I’m tired of it.. seriously, I don’t believe in apologizes if they are constantly being made.
But it’s not making me want to quit or anything, it just gets annoying. This place is so scattered, but I guess it’s normal for anyone who has ever worked at a starbucks to think all other places are messy.

I got off pretty early - around noon, came home and took a 6 hour nap. So now it’s 1:11am and I’m up, argh. I hate it when I’m up past 11:00 now.
And I did pretty shitty today as far as my diet. I stuck to all the low-cal low-fat stuff but ended up eating ALOT of it. Dammit. Now I just feel like shit and bloated.
I’ve also been fucking up lately with alcohol. Dammit. Dammit Dammit. I thought I was over all that.. I ended up having a few on sunday and was hungover as shit when I went to work the next morning. And then I had a bunch last night.. I went by a friend’s house and she had some vodka and a beer. She offered. I hesitated but gave in. This turned into me buying a 6 pack and knocking those back once I got back to my house. So again, I was hungover as shit when I got to work, and I was also 20 minutes late. I called to tell them I was going to be late but that bitch of a coworker got on the phone, I told her and she just hung up on me (UGH).

I don’t get it. I go on a diet, get positive about myself; only to go back to my drunken fatty ways. It seems to go in about 3 month intervals. And this bullshit has been going on for years, I’m so tired of it. What’s wrong with me?

I’m excited about visiting home but at the same time I am scared. I hate that I know that I cannot control myself. Willpower has left the building once I have a single beer, and my social anxieties make it damn near impossible to not drink when I’m hanging out with people.

So I’ve been smoking cigarettes for the past 7 years or so and lately I’ve been getting nicotine stains on my top lip. I tried scrubbing it off the other day and now it looks like I have a damn cold sore or something (note: DON’T use a magic eraser on your skin. Yes, I was that dumb to try).

I read that lemon works, which I tried some time ago and it did but not by much. Humph.
I’M NOT quitting. Fuck that. If I go out with lung cancer then at least I spent my life enjoying my booze and cigarettes.
I figure I should try to train myself to switch up my method. I always smoke out of the right corner of my mouth and exhale through pursed lips, also on the right side. It’s weird trying to adjust but I think with time I’ll get used to it.

As for my diet; it’s been working out pretty well. I don’t have a scale so I have no idea if I’ve actually lost anything, but I feel thinner. I also feel a shitton better, much more energized and generally all-around great. All I drink is water with lemons (I’ve must have gone through at least 30 lemons by now) and eat anything low in calories that isn’t junk.
I had a greasy ass ham sandwich at work the other day, and man… I felt like like complete SHIT afterwards and it totally fucked with my stomach. Eating right is automatic now, I only crave healthy foods. I also move around a whole lot at work, so I’m getting a decent amount of exercise.

Life is good. Sometimes I think I’m dreaming, but these past couple of weeks have been marvelous. Not to mention I’ve cut down dramatically on my drinking, and nowadays I don’t blackout anymore but just fall asleep after only about 6 beers.
I’m smiling a whole lot these days. I think I owe it to myself.

Time to fuck shit up in Fallout 3…!

My Wendy is on my wrist, and I’ve put to thought about getting other characters from the water world (from Super Mario Bros. 3, since Wendy is the boss of that world). I think getting the Bloopers and Cheep-Cheeps would look really cool, but I’d like to keep them below my elbow… and perhaps, what’s above my elbow could be Zelda images? I’m such a geek.

I love it, since whenever I feel down I can just look at my wrist and see Wendy and Super Mario has it’s way of making me feel nostalgic and like a kid again. I’m officially addicted to tattoos.. I mean, I’ve always liked them, but whenever I would get one I’d get very nauseous. But this time around, I watched him the whole time and conversed with other folks in the shop. Whenever he got down to the lower part of the tattoo was when I had to clinch my teeth a bit.

And folks, go visit Mario Gifs… which is near approaching 9 years of existence on the web (wow.. time flies).

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I also added many categories to this blog, it was a huge pain in the ass having to go back and edit all (near 200) posts and took about an hour but I managed. I just didn’t know what exactly to do about the older posts that involved me hanging out with the several folks who ultimately fucked me over. I have a category titled ‘evil people’.. but at the time I hung out with these folks I was too damn ignorant to know what they were going to do to me. There are also many posts I made back in 2007 under the influence of drugs, so I marked some under ‘drugs’ just to make a point of how irresponsible and lack-of-thinking they had made me.

It’s also quite pathetic that most of my posts are under ‘fuck my life’ and ‘fuck the world’.. but, well. That’s how I often feel.

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I also got two stickers for my truck in the mail, one says = ‘6 billion miracles are enough’ and the other is a Darwin fish. I hope I piss off some christians (joking). I’m pro-choice and anti-breeding, and highly believe that evolution is a fact and god is a theory, and have no problem expressing that. My intention is not to criticize people who have kids, but to say that people shouldn’t have unwanted children and there’s nothing immoral or wrong with abortion, unless you are using it as birth control - which I disagree with.. But one should use logical thinking when it comes to bringing a person into the world when you aren’t financially or emotionally ready.

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I also got the Orange Box from amazon, I really want to play it but I’ll wait until my current Fallout 3 obsession dies down (which, it won’t for awhile). I’ve already played Half-Life 2 back when it first came out and was addicted to that, even named one of my rats ‘Lamar’; haha.