BethTrippin.com

I figure I’m in due time to update this lameass blog.

I’m still in Austin Texas; whether it is a mental breakdown that keeps me away from Dallas -  I am not sure - but I have a bad habit of leaving homebase for several months and fucking off and drinking…. or well, I still drank my ass off whilst living in Dallas/Fort Worth…. I just enjoy meeting new folks in new environments.

I intend to head to Colorado soon; we plan to rubbertramp our asses up there since I crave seeing mountains again; and moreso seeing new people. It’s already here, in Austin Texas that I have met so many awesome folks that I do not want to leave, though I want to have some kind of change of environment - I guess I cannot find myself properly and choose to drink and run away from everything. I cannot explain this certain breaking point; however alcohol is a huge influence. I often wish I could just be normal.

The past week I’ve been going through problems with my innerds - I might only be 22 but I’ve been drinking for many years and perhaps it is finally catching up with me.  I don’t keep track of how much I drink; as after 10 beers I binge. My buddy hooked me up with antibiotics… I think I have a kidney infection. I’ve had bladder and urinary infections, but this is different. My back hurts like a motherfuck and peeing is hell. I find myself waking up every hour of the night in pain and I feel that my body is near bout to explode.

I need to slow down.

As I type this at this moment I am sucking on my beautiful bottle of Old Crow.

Is this a demise of Beth? Or simple a quarter-life crisis?

I cannot foretell the future; I understand I am immature and irresponsible - but I’m one lost individual and I choose to drink my ass off to escape how much I have fucked up. Alcohol is the solution yet the cause of all problems.

I enjoy those I currently am around; I feel that I have folks who enjoy my company… and the reason for that is that I just want to be liked. All humans want to be liked.

I met this swell felllow; Harvey ; he’s a very talented tattoo artist. He did a piece of one of my ferrets on my calf. We’ve been hanging out for weeks now; living together with other buddies.
New places. New faces; I love it. I enjoy meeting new folks.

Well, I’m getting drunker as I get further into this blog, so I must quit typing.

I’m blowing my car up and faking my death. I hate everything.

Yeah I’m alive.
… Whether that’s good or bad; I’m unsure.

A lot has happened, lost another job, met a guy (no idea where that’s going but I’m just taking it as it comes - after all; men = greatness, then quickly followed by hell and further loneliness). Been going to many punk/metal shows, denounced 4 people as friends in the past month (3 of which because drugs and I’m not going to see them go down like so many others; and I’ve been there, lost my first two apartments because of that and much of my sanity) and another because of that guy I mentioned previously (makes no sense; she’s just crazy).

I’ve been drunk for the past 4 years or so but it comes in phases, and the past 3 months has literally been nonstop. I mean, I do manage not to drink during the day, but once 6pm comes around I get very shaky and antsy and that leads me to a drink, then to another, and about 10 more following that. Otherwise I just get jumpy, my vision slightly looses itself; and forget trying to sleep, the paralysis gets horrendous.
The drama involving several folks has pretty much set me in a bad mind-set and my depression is kicking in again. Or, well. I think I’m always depressed. I just like to try to keep myself distracted.
I’ve also had a bad habit these past many months of not going home. I go out, and pretty much couch surf between multiple friend’s apartments and get drunk as piss night after night. I hate coming home, it just makes me feel guilty to be sitting in my sister’s house because I cannot get my life together. I also hate the fact that when my parents come in town I feel like I’m of no importance - and sure, it is my fault, I’ve always ben a very complicated child. But as of now, I almost feel no bond with my family (besides my sister, whom I feel is slowly getting tired of putting up with me).

Hell. Fuck it. It could always be worse. That’s my life motto. Has been for many years. And when I do come home, I enjoy lying on my floor playing with the ferrets.

Damn, who woulda thought vodka and mango V8 Splash was a damn good combination.

If someone could just create a tele-porter; please contact me. I’m interested in being a guinea pig. Send me to an uninhabited island with nothing but horses and rolling hills with rocky cliffs and waterfalls.

Oh and I just remembered to mention, I got a letter in the mail today with was rather humorous. Texas has this whole ‘Don’t Mess with Texas’ campaign; which… previously… thought it was just some random road-signs that tax payers paid for. BUT - this letter I received had a notice saying that I was witnessed throwing a cigarette butt out of my car on October 5th 2009 at 7am and a civilian turned me in. The letter even has my plate number on it, make and model of my car, and the location of which this occurred at.
What boggles my mind is the fact that some dumbass tree-hugging hippie would go as far as to call the ‘Report a Litterer’ program for a mother fucking cigarette butt. Ridiculous.

Move to an Indian slum. Then call ‘Report a Litterer’ and see how many laughs you get. Jesus Christ. The letter they sent me probably used just as much resources as a fucking cig butt that’ll bio-degenerate in 10 years anyway.

People are so fucking retarded. All they want to do is start problems. There’s such a select few who actually care and want to have a good time.

I just spent the last 3 god damn hours cleaning the fuck out of the ‘cat’ room and my bathroom; then organizing all the piles of shit on the floor of my room (which… is one hell of an effort…). I love my sister’s cats, but man… they cough up hairballs and puke all over my side of the house, and whenever their litterbox is full they shit and piss in my bathroom.
Although frustrating, smelly, and gross… they are very entertaining whenever I get up for work at 4am each morning. This must be the best ’spaz’ time for cats; they run in circles and are very vocal.

Cleaning would have gone by so much faster, except the vacuum isn’t working properly… there’s something wrong with the belt. So with that, I got on my hands and knees and tediously vacuumed the entire ‘cat’ room (around 15 ft x 15 ft) using the attached hose. It sucked (well, literally), and the heat coming out the vacuum just made it ridiculously hot and the damn thing kept falling on me whenever I pulled on the hose. I decided that I’d get to my room and the other parts of the house whenever the vacuum is fixed.

But, as a benefit for all that hard work, the carpet has never been cleaner. Focusing on it inch-for-inch really makes a difference.
—————————————

Also, today at work was pretty fun. There is this girl who works there, whom I really get along with; however she only only comes in on the weekends. I wish she’d work during the week too, she’s fuckin hilarious and really makes things more enjoyable. Pretty much everything we say to each other is random cracks on customers, stupid stories about and our love for alcohol, and how much we hate bagels (given - we work at a bagel shop were folks pay $2.00 for a bagel with shmear).

My feet have being killing me for weeks though, as because of work I am having to stand for 6 hours daily. It could be my shoes; they are Globes… that I bought many months ago (online) but found them too ugly to wear. They came in handy for work though, since they are solid black and that it part of the dress code. I had to sew the tongues down with a leather needle because they didn’t hug my feet properly and kept slipping off the back of my heel. I talked to another co-worker about my foot pain and she said it was normal, as hers hurt her for many weeks when she first started working at the store; so with her input I figure it is normal, and not caused by my footwear. This is the exact pair.

This is one randomized post, the reason for this is because I drank a Joose. For those who have no idea of this drink, it is a 9.9% alcohol malt liquor packed with caffeine, taurine and ginseng - and costs around $2.50 for 24oz. It’s not in many places, which is a good thing.. because if so I’m sure the fda would intervene (as they did with Sparks). It tastes like bum-piss but it’s worth it.
Although, it gives the most horrendous hangovers and constant consumption could probably do some hellish damage to your body.

Well, I’ll just shutup now.

So I got bored.
And I am semi-drunk at the moment.

I decided them good ole’ internet archives.

I looked at my past websites…
utopist.org
orinoco.nu
jambled.nu

And damn, I was a moron in those days.

I really hoped the graphics would show up, but they don’t… I once had all my art saved on a notebook computer but it was stolen; I lost them.

Blah

So Which Wich didn’t hire me.

I’m a little bit of a mess (not nearly as bad as ‘07 though). Without a job, I have nothing to do. And when there’s nothing to do, I drink. I’m trying to quit entirely; I went 3 days and then drank last night. I think the only way to have even a small chance at stopping would be to lock myself up in my house and never go out. Being around a bunch of people is impossible without a couple shots.

Ugh.

And I’m having badass dreams once again. For the past week it’s been the most random shit. Last night’s was very weird, at some point I was on the top of my childhood bunk-bed on a cliff and stuck there. It made no sense, it was kind of scary. I also dreamt of ferrets running around everywhere (a common occurrence in my dreams). I love sleeping. I love lucid dreams. I can do anything in them. I can be anyone.

A brief message from Gus’ room…

I apologize to my 1 visitor. I skipped and invoice for the hosting, so the account was suspended. It’s back and running.

I got a Flickr account: Here

Uhm….
Yeah.

I have much to say; constantly. However, much of things I feel the need to share should be kept silent.
I suppose this has much to do with that - back when I first started blogging… when I was around the age of 14 - it was more acceptable. I felt more like I needed to share my feelings. I desire to feel the same. I want to post things about how I feel, I refuse to sugercoat my life - because my life is quite complicated.
My posts with my past websites were much more open then what I have today. My past websites include - jambled.nu; orinoco.nu - and several others. I suppose that I’ve closed myself off from the world.

Nihilist. Yes. I am.

Tired. Sick. Disgusted.

So yeah, here are those pictures.

I’m quite happy with it. Bangs are hella frustrating though.

I’ve also been trying to eat better. I seriously need to consider running again, I’m getting bigger. I don’t ever want to balloon up to the weight I was at the end of high school.
I’m also pretty sure my bad drinking habit doesn’t help either. I’m sure if I were to cut out beer entirely I’d probably loose weight or at least stabilize. I always eat a shit-ton when I drink, and the beer itself is certainly not too good on calorie content.

I’m also butchering my reputation because I’m beyond obnoxious to everyone whenever I have a few. I tend to treat everyone as therapists when I’m drunk, which is the last thing I should be doing because I’m sure I’m annoying the hell out of them.
Problem is, I really don’t think I could stop if I tried. Simply being around people is a trigger enough, I can’t be social at all without a drink. I’m just much too introverted and can’t shake my damn anxieties. I hope with time this’ll pass.

Sheesh. This blog makes me sound so self-absorbed.

Rotersand - Almost Wasted

All the time i called my own
And all the times that wouldn’t come
All the times i went for waiting
All the time that passed me by

All the times the world was mine
And all the times i played for time
All the time that rushed with fever
All the times i didn’t try

Those lessons learned - almost wasted
Those assets earned - almost wasted

And all my time is almost wasted
All my memories and all my time

And all my time the blood i’ve tasted
Canned in memories of all my time
…………………………………..

Imperative Reaction - Collapse

Just let it go
It doesn’t matter
It’s all sustainable
Just continue to grow
As we use everything obtainable

It’s what you wanted
Not what we need
It’s what you started
And now we bleed

To a means this is the end
Line up as we pick apart the wound we cannot mend
The structure is collapsing
Broken by the weight of endless demand

This is progress failing
This is hope draining away
This is excess derailing
No way to cope with what we’re giving away

Just let it fall
It never mattered
It’s all replaceable
Just continue this all
As we sink
Everything is usable

It’s what you wanted
Not what we need
It’s what you started
And now we bleed

To a means this is the end
Line up as we pick apart the wound we cannot mend
The structure is collapsing
Broken by the weight of endless demand

This is progress failing
This is hope draining away
This is excess derailing
No way to cope with what we’re giving away

To a means this is the end
Line up as we pick apart the wound we cannot mend
The structure is collapsing
Broken by the weight of endless demand

This is progress failing
This is hope draining away
This is excess derailing
No way to cope with what we’re giving away

To a means this is the end
Line up as we pick apart the wound we cannot mend
The structure is collapsing
Broken by the weight of endless demand

This is progress failing
This is hope draining away
This is excess derailing
No way to cope with what we’re giving away
………………………………………….

Yay for industrial, the genre nobody else likes. Rotersand is a very good underground industrial/techno group I encourage those of similar interests to look up. If you decide to look into them, I suggest these songs - Almost Wasted; Electronic World Transmission; Alive; Rushing, and Social Distortion.

Another good, industrial/synthpop group I have been listening to quite often goes by the title of Imperative Reaction and I suggest these songs - Judas; Collapse; Further to Fall; Never Ending; Something I Left Behind, and Giving into the Change.

Municipal Waste is coming to Austin tomorrow; I am excited… time to let out some aggression. Thrash is almost as badass as industrial.

DIE DIE DIE BETH, JUST KILL YOURSELF FOR CHRIST SAKES. YOU FAT LUMP OF SHIT.

Grendel - “Catastrophe” (I have obsessed over this song for over a year now).

Within the wreckage, Lying behind the rusted door
The pleasures so cold, The pleasures so cold
Under the leaches, Blood so red, it starts to fall
The method so old, The methold so old
Within the closet, Child in need scratches and brawls
It’s parents are gone, It’s parents are gone
Outside the wind blows, Cry havoc in the darkend halls
No one hears their call, No one hears their call
From nation to nation, The same stories told
Catastrophe
From ages to ages, The cruelty in souls
Catastrophe
Under the lampshade, Scratching into her fragile skull
The flesh, it’s all gone, The flesh, it’s all gone
Beneath the brown soil, Murder rots in covered holes
The millions are cold, The millions are cold
Within the damp cell, Man hangs from bloody cords
He couldn’t have more, He couldn’t have more
Behind the station, Virus takes it’s deadly toll
The needle was old , The needle was old
From nation to nation, The same stories told
Catastrophe
From ages to ages, The cruelty in souls
Catastrophe
Don’t cry my child
This is the end

Have my legal issues finally driven me so crazy to the point that I am seeing things?

So there’s this damn cop that patrols this neighborhood nightly, and I see him every once and a while… he’s already given me a parking ticket (parking against traffic).

It’s 1:00 am right now, and I pull into my driveway… shut off my engine, and gather my shit to go inside and call it a night - and the fucker is sitting right behind me, on the adjacent street. And he just keeps sitting there… like I’m some kind of suspicious character. I’m weary because I had about 3 beers (not near drunk - not even tipsey, and I ate, so I felt sober). By the time I grab my purse and leftover food, he’s coasting away (slowly). Then I grab my leftover 3 beers from my 6 pack, and go inside.

WTF. I’m already batshit crazy from feeling lack of security in this world, and now I need this damn cop sitting near my house everytime I come home.

Perhaps I do drive through the neighborhood a little too quickly, and I’m sure that looks suspicious to him… and I come home late very often.

But still..

WHAT THE FUCK?
And now I’m going to have an even harder time sleeping tonight, I’m already nervous about turning myself in tomorrow. And now I have this bored cop who likes sitting on my turf to think about.

Maybe my 9 days away will make him give up and leave my dumbass alone.

Jail Soon.

Omg.

I’m not going to think about it.
But I can’t help it.

10 days.

As I sit in that cell… and see the sun come up and down, I will not count it. I’ll just remind myself how much I have fucked shit up.

My life is in so much turmoil. I have quite literally lost who I am. I don’t know anymore. I’m more confused now then when I was when I graduated high school.
I’m so stuck on the people who have hurt me; I have been THROUGH HELL. The most… horrendous hell… drugs… men… everything…

70% of the people I have met in my life have used me. Why?
I’m rich.

I’ve had friends, relationships… they lied to me so they can get money out of me.
70%
70%
70%
70%

I’d much rather be a homebum… alone… then to be used like I have been. Read my archives.

I am no longer ignorant.

But

I am a stupid, dumbass drunk.

Why?

You have NO IDEA. NONE.

I have not done anyone wrong.. not once in my entire life. Stick me on a lier detector.
I’ve lost all faith in karma. It is a bullshit word.

I keep getting the worse nightmares about my ex and it’s been really causing me to stress out and loose sleep. Ugh.

So I’m going to say some things about him that I’ve never spoke on here about before. I can’t hold it all in any longer, and I’ve told everyone else about all the psychotic bullshit (well… not all, I’ll die with several secrets…) he put me through. So this isn’t an instant news flash to those who actually know him.

Matt tortured the ferrets, which is how Aisha died… she lost the will to live and quit eating. And Oi broke his leg because… well, the sick basterd threw him against the wall. He covered it up by saying he dropped him, but about a day later he told me the truth, along with that he has always had problems with torturing small animals.
And just to think, that day I took Oi to the vet and had him put to sleep, I came home and found blood on the walls and bathroom sink, but thought nothing of it.

How could a person….? HOW??

The reason I bring this up is because I’ve had many nightmares the past few weeks of Matt killing the ferrets, very graphic and detailed… like butchering them infront of me, drowning them in the bathtub, throwing them… God.

I never saw what he did to them, but when he told me I started sleeping on the couch, right next to the cage - which was where I slept for those last couple months we lived together. I was the dumb, infatuated little girl who still kept this psychotic looser in my home. He never harmed them again, and I know he didn’t… because Maynard was never abused, I can tell. Indica… she’s getting much better, but still panics when I hold her close to my face and gets upset if she wants to be put down. And once I moved out of that apartment she put on a lot of weight and started playing more. Today, she’s happy. She bounces around just like any normal ferret, attacks my feet and often climbs up on the couch as I’m sitting on it, and likes to be in my lap. I’m sure there’s still pain from her past… and just like me, she survived that psycho’s wrath.

Matt also cheated on me several times, stole my property for drug money… would beg me… using his manipulation skills (”I love you so much, YADA YADA YADA…”) to buy him drugs, steal money or my debit/credit cards from my purse, steal my car… all for the sake of drugs. He’d invite looser, asshole, drug addicts to my home (even when I was trying to stay clean) after I’d beg him not to let them come over. And they too, stole a lot of my property.

I even called the damn cops on him the second time I threw him out, because the first time he broke the door frame.

He only lived with me and pretended to love me because… of free drugs, and free food and shelter.

And for last half of the relationship, I knew it, I knew what was going on… but I put myself in denial. I figured that if he could pretend to love me, I could pretend that everything was okay. I was also very much under the influence of drugs for the first half of our relationship, and it wasn’t until I went clean that I realized what the hell was going on.

And it doesn’t end just there. But I’ll keep the rest silent.

The reasons for this post… I have been single, and clean for 7 months. And I am still plagued by all the bullshit that happened when that piece-of-shit-little-boy was in my life and the people I was associating with during that time (but MOSTLY him).

Never again could a trust a person. It’s still hard to fathom how people can be so immoral, selfish… how can someone go through like with no empathy? I just don’t understand it.

Mattew Stephan Schroeder. I will throw a party the day you die, because there’s one less worthless person out there, one less harming others. Psychotic master manipulator who hunts on the naive.

My anxiety levels aren’t quite as bad as before, but not a day goes by that I feel guilty for putting myself through all that hell… Everyday I feel like I’m going to loose my mind. And I think I have somewhat…
I’m scared. I’m always, always… paranoid, and scared. I’m so fucking tired of worrying about everything. Where did my inner-peace go?

Why can’t I just let it all go? I learned from it, but it was just all so traumatic, especially for a person like me who has never faced much difficulty in my life.

Tonight, I’ve decided… I’m going to take that first step, and try my damn hardest to live on without letting that past torment me. And now with the knowledge I have, I will never let myself go down that path ever again.

I’ve also made many new friends, who are GOOD people. Just the kind from home, and I love them all. I love being with safe, considerate people. I feel blessed to have met them.