BethTrippin.com

I just spent the last 3 god damn hours cleaning the fuck out of the ‘cat’ room and my bathroom; then organizing all the piles of shit on the floor of my room (which… is one hell of an effort…). I love my sister’s cats, but man… they cough up hairballs and puke all over my side of the house, and whenever their litterbox is full they shit and piss in my bathroom.
Although frustrating, smelly, and gross… they are very entertaining whenever I get up for work at 4am each morning. This must be the best ’spaz’ time for cats; they run in circles and are very vocal.

Cleaning would have gone by so much faster, except the vacuum isn’t working properly… there’s something wrong with the belt. So with that, I got on my hands and knees and tediously vacuumed the entire ‘cat’ room (around 15 ft x 15 ft) using the attached hose. It sucked (well, literally), and the heat coming out the vacuum just made it ridiculously hot and the damn thing kept falling on me whenever I pulled on the hose. I decided that I’d get to my room and the other parts of the house whenever the vacuum is fixed.

But, as a benefit for all that hard work, the carpet has never been cleaner. Focusing on it inch-for-inch really makes a difference.
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Also, today at work was pretty fun. There is this girl who works there, whom I really get along with; however she only only comes in on the weekends. I wish she’d work during the week too, she’s fuckin hilarious and really makes things more enjoyable. Pretty much everything we say to each other is random cracks on customers, stupid stories about and our love for alcohol, and how much we hate bagels (given - we work at a bagel shop were folks pay $2.00 for a bagel with shmear).

My feet have being killing me for weeks though, as because of work I am having to stand for 6 hours daily. It could be my shoes; they are Globes… that I bought many months ago (online) but found them too ugly to wear. They came in handy for work though, since they are solid black and that it part of the dress code. I had to sew the tongues down with a leather needle because they didn’t hug my feet properly and kept slipping off the back of my heel. I talked to another co-worker about my foot pain and she said it was normal, as hers hurt her for many weeks when she first started working at the store; so with her input I figure it is normal, and not caused by my footwear. This is the exact pair.

This is one randomized post, the reason for this is because I drank a Joose. For those who have no idea of this drink, it is a 9.9% alcohol malt liquor packed with caffeine, taurine and ginseng - and costs around $2.50 for 24oz. It’s not in many places, which is a good thing.. because if so I’m sure the fda would intervene (as they did with Sparks). It tastes like bum-piss but it’s worth it.
Although, it gives the most horrendous hangovers and constant consumption could probably do some hellish damage to your body.

Well, I’ll just shutup now.

Because of Maynard’s insane weight gain, I decided to switch food. I found this useful ferret nutrient chart and determined that the 8-in-1 Ultimate is the best food for them, and petsmart had it. It’s got 45% protein, which I think is the highest of all ferret food. I went a head and mixed it with their current stuff, to avoid upset tummies, and with time they’ll just eat that. Hopefully it’ll help Maynard loose weight and Indica gain some. Plus - I think it’ll make them feel better, since it’s more to their needs.

Speaking of food, I’ve been on a damn diet (for the 837785 time in my life) for the past several days. So far, it’s going good. I’ve actually managed to keep my intake under 1600 calories a day. I bought whole wheat spaghetti and shrimp, which I’ll make tomorrow night. I must be doing it right, because I don’t feel hungry. If I feel like munchies then I eat nuts.

And now, back to Fallout 3…
(the GREATEST game ever made)

Every once and a while, my 2 year old male ferret, Maynard, sleeps on the lowest level of the cage right next to the litterbox. This will continue for a couple days, then he’ll be back to sleeping on the 3 floor, where I’ve spent around $100 on hammocks/beds/enclosed pyramid hammock thingers/etc. My female, Indica, never does this. She sleeps in the designated bedroom, not the bathroom where they shit and the floor has no padding but is plastic. It’s weird and I can’t quite figure out why he does this. It’s cool in the room, so he’s not looking for an open area with cool flooring - or maybe he is. Who knows. But you’d think he wouldn’t want to be snoozing right next a box of shit.

And I had a nightmare the other night that I was in some random house out in the middle of nowhere with Devin and two other people, who I don’t know. The place got attacked by monsters and most of the dream consisted of us trying to get out and stabbing these monsters with kitchen knives. At some point, we made it outside and there was a motorcycle, the four of us piled onto it but ended up wrecking the thing in less then a mile. After that it turned into us running through the desert, trying to get away with these weirdass monsters coming after us. I don’t remember much else but I think I woke up at this point.

Who knows what the hell all that means.

Oh and by the way, I failed to mention I had my birthday about 2 weeks ago. I’m 22. Oh joy.
I didn’t even get drunk. Imagine that.

So I took Devin back to Beaumont for the 192371974981237 time and had to endure the stresses and sadness of saying goodbye

Change of subject before I feel more down then I currently am…

I still have not done any xmas shopping, it’s something I usually do the day before (because I’m stupid; procrastinate over everything… and hate shopping). However, this year I’m doing it the day before the day before xmas day - my sis and I plan to go tomorrow. I already know what to get her, so I’ll have to take care of that without her around. It’s going to be good

And yes, I got the truck back from the shop and it does run better then it has in a long time. I was able to hit 90 on the way back from Beaumont (briefly since I am prudent about speeding and going fast is scary). I think that’s what the governor is set on, or whatever that computer thinger is. She also picks up a hell of a lot better now, it’s fun zooming onto highway entrance ramps. Ha.

…………..

The folks who were going to rent the house while my sis and I move to California bailed. This isn’t good. We won’t be able to go if someone doesn’t
Speaking of our move to Cali - ferrets are illegal there. Which is fucking retarded in my opinion. They’re considered an ‘agricultural’ pest - even though there are no documented cases of domestic ferrets in the wild, and the centers for disease control rate ferrets much safer than dogs or cats. There’s something about the state making money off of keeping them illegal. I found a very useful website about all of it, apparently there’s some kind of movement to get them legalized. Also - I find it interesting that there’s more ferrets in Cali then any other state.

Ha, smuggling ferrets… that sounds so stupid. But that’s just what I’ll have to do. If something were to happen, and if they took Maynard and Indie away from me - ughhh I don’t even want to think of it. They’re pretty much the only things that put a smile on my face and without them I’d be a mess.

Being on the subject of ferrets, my lame, bored ass looked at youtube videos of them for hours the other night and I know nobody gives a damn but this ferret is freakishly HUGE -

I suppose it can be possible if they’re not castrated for them to get that big. And that girl is very tiny so in proportion he probably looks even bigger. Dumb girl is going to end up breaking his back if she keeps doing that.
And yeah - there’s a video link following of ferrets fucking. And yes I’m weird enough to have watched it, I was curious.

Then I somehow started looking at pet skunk videos. I’ve always wanted one but now I REALLY do. It’s never going to happen though, they’re illegal pretty much in 75% of the country. I read up on them and they seem to be very high maintenance - even more so then a ferret.

I found this video. I laughed, and then felt bad for the animal. But then the owner seems to be very courteous and sweet to his pet, and that makes me happy.

I WANT A SKUNK.

Uhm. Yeah. Bored.

So I had a weirdass dream last night that I got a Doberman Pincher puppy (what I’ve been infatuated with for a very long time, I think they are badass dogs). He was perfect, black and brown.. ears cropped and tail docked.

Then I get a text at some point of the day from my friend Emily, asking if I wanted a Chihuahua puppy.

Weird. To dream of having a puppy, of the kind I most like.. then to get a text for a Chihuahua that day, a dog I used to own and turned over to my parents years ago (they still have him, his name is Yoda) - the last breed I would like to own again.

For - of all places - Hot Topic. HAHA.

They should hire me, I know quite a lot about a broad range of music - I can go on for hours about industrial and I’m also a big fan of punk. The problem is I don’t know jack shit about all the crappy popular bands most kids are into these days. Play me a fall out boy song and I’ll think it’s panic at the disco or some lame band of that relation. I’m also sure my style of dress should earn my right of passage - I don’t have shittons of mainstream accessories but hopefully they’ll see past that.
I really want to work there, it would be a fun environment, I love music, and above all I could wear my piercings and whatever the fuck I want.
Problem is, I’m horrendous at interviews - I can’t sell myself worth a damn; I sweat, get red, tremble, stutter, and usually say something stupid that ruins the whole thing. If I don’t get hired here I’m going to drive into oncoming traffic. I also really despise Hot Topic and never buy anything from there, but I know all the brands they carry. Trip pants are my favorite.

We’ll see. I hope to gosh this works out.

My sister told me there’s a mouse living in the garage. I went out to have a cigarette, sitting on some boxes and being very quiet and still in hopes that he’d come out of hiding. He did. The little guy ran across the area about 6 feet in front of me - under the car, to the otherside. Then once again when I was heading to go inside. Awwww… it was a little brown field mouse, looked to be full-grown. He’s probably just wants to get out of the cold.

We decided to name him George Bush; being that he likes taking over other peoples’ areas.

And I’m really missing Devin, it seems to be getting worse each day. Blah. I wish I could shrink him down and put him in my pocket

Was AMAZING.

And so…
Britney and I drove to Oklahoma City to see a crust band by the name of “Fleas and Lice” on Friday night. We crashed over at Conner’s house, along with a bunch of other punky kids (a couple from my area that I am aquatinted with). I enjoyed it, ALOT. We didn’t actually see this band, everyone was piss drunk and started fights before they came on set, so we all left before the end of the show.
Then we drove back to Dallas the following day, where “Fleas and Lice” performed, so we saw them again. Britney got kicked out because the girl who worked the door saw her washing the under age X’s off her hands in the bathroom. Meanwhile - I jammed the night away.
Then, drove to Austin the next day (Sunday) and saw the band again. A couple of squatter kids asked me to drive them there, and I wanted to keep going… so it was spur of the moment. The door man didn’t let us in because he saw us drinking PBR infront of the club, but our friend (who I brought along) was able to contact the venue manager, and we got in.
So, Austin was my third night in a row to take part in drunken moshing.

Britney had a bath in Oklahoma, I - on the other hand… went those 3 days without any showers. I have never stunk so bad in my life… I never even took my pants off the entire time. I did wear a different shirt for the Dallas show, but put my KMFDM shirt back on for Austin after wearing it in OKC. By the time we got home on monday we looked like the worse case of squatter girl/ sewer rats.

hahaa. This pic is from when we got back.

Then, Britney punched some guy in OKC. Then in Austin she punched a parking meter.

And apparently the back of my truck doubles as a trash can.

In OKC… infront of Conner’s house.

I wish I could have kept going across the country to shows…

I’ve been in a funk for so long, and in the first time in many months I can taste a strange sense of security… and last weekend really helped.
The rituals that go on in my head for when I feel impending panic attacks have slightly worn off, and now I really feel that I have found my place in life - not entirely, but I’m a step closer.

When I go to shows, I feel panicked…. in that I am scared that something, anything can go wrong…. whether it’s someone being raped, hurt, arrested… but this weekend, I felt that kind of “impending doom” anxiety… but it did not fester severely as it usually does.

Maybe this is the beginning of the old Beth coming back?

Then, we’re going to Kansas for a festival.
And I’m the driver… but there is drama between everyone… but me. Personally, I want to take every person who can go, as I want to have a good time, with many people… many characters.
I don’t have drama with anyone, perhaps slight drama, but nothing that would interfer. I just want to take everyone. I just wish everyone would fucking get along!

I got out of high school 3 god damn years ago - I know I’ve started drama in my past and I feel bad, even dwell on it to the point where I can’t quite take it anymore. But all the drama I have caused was NOT INTENTIONAL. It’s usually because someone gets under my skin, and they knew they did…. or used me, and that’s why I dislike those I choose too.
But stupid, petty drama really pisses me off.

Petty HS bullshit is hard for me to tolerate. Bleh.

I love Blue Moon.

Oh! I got a hairless rat!

Britney suggested that I name her Labia… because she’s pink, hairless, and soft… but I didn’t like that. I decided on “Clit”… but then Brit mentioned the name “Beaver”. I liked that more, so now her name is Beaver.

She’s very nervous, but she’s young… it’s my job to introduce her to people and socialization so she will become a social rat.

I keep getting the worse nightmares about my ex and it’s been really causing me to stress out and loose sleep. Ugh.

So I’m going to say some things about him that I’ve never spoke on here about before. I can’t hold it all in any longer, and I’ve told everyone else about all the psychotic bullshit (well… not all, I’ll die with several secrets…) he put me through. So this isn’t an instant news flash to those who actually know him.

Matt tortured the ferrets, which is how Aisha died… she lost the will to live and quit eating. And Oi broke his leg because… well, the sick basterd threw him against the wall. He covered it up by saying he dropped him, but about a day later he told me the truth, along with that he has always had problems with torturing small animals.
And just to think, that day I took Oi to the vet and had him put to sleep, I came home and found blood on the walls and bathroom sink, but thought nothing of it.

How could a person….? HOW??

The reason I bring this up is because I’ve had many nightmares the past few weeks of Matt killing the ferrets, very graphic and detailed… like butchering them infront of me, drowning them in the bathtub, throwing them… God.

I never saw what he did to them, but when he told me I started sleeping on the couch, right next to the cage - which was where I slept for those last couple months we lived together. I was the dumb, infatuated little girl who still kept this psychotic looser in my home. He never harmed them again, and I know he didn’t… because Maynard was never abused, I can tell. Indica… she’s getting much better, but still panics when I hold her close to my face and gets upset if she wants to be put down. And once I moved out of that apartment she put on a lot of weight and started playing more. Today, she’s happy. She bounces around just like any normal ferret, attacks my feet and often climbs up on the couch as I’m sitting on it, and likes to be in my lap. I’m sure there’s still pain from her past… and just like me, she survived that psycho’s wrath.

Matt also cheated on me several times, stole my property for drug money… would beg me… using his manipulation skills (”I love you so much, YADA YADA YADA…”) to buy him drugs, steal money or my debit/credit cards from my purse, steal my car… all for the sake of drugs. He’d invite looser, asshole, drug addicts to my home (even when I was trying to stay clean) after I’d beg him not to let them come over. And they too, stole a lot of my property.

I even called the damn cops on him the second time I threw him out, because the first time he broke the door frame.

He only lived with me and pretended to love me because… of free drugs, and free food and shelter.

And for last half of the relationship, I knew it, I knew what was going on… but I put myself in denial. I figured that if he could pretend to love me, I could pretend that everything was okay. I was also very much under the influence of drugs for the first half of our relationship, and it wasn’t until I went clean that I realized what the hell was going on.

And it doesn’t end just there. But I’ll keep the rest silent.

The reasons for this post… I have been single, and clean for 7 months. And I am still plagued by all the bullshit that happened when that piece-of-shit-little-boy was in my life and the people I was associating with during that time (but MOSTLY him).

Never again could a trust a person. It’s still hard to fathom how people can be so immoral, selfish… how can someone go through like with no empathy? I just don’t understand it.

Mattew Stephan Schroeder. I will throw a party the day you die, because there’s one less worthless person out there, one less harming others. Psychotic master manipulator who hunts on the naive.

My anxiety levels aren’t quite as bad as before, but not a day goes by that I feel guilty for putting myself through all that hell… Everyday I feel like I’m going to loose my mind. And I think I have somewhat…
I’m scared. I’m always, always… paranoid, and scared. I’m so fucking tired of worrying about everything. Where did my inner-peace go?

Why can’t I just let it all go? I learned from it, but it was just all so traumatic, especially for a person like me who has never faced much difficulty in my life.

Tonight, I’ve decided… I’m going to take that first step, and try my damn hardest to live on without letting that past torment me. And now with the knowledge I have, I will never let myself go down that path ever again.

I’ve also made many new friends, who are GOOD people. Just the kind from home, and I love them all. I love being with safe, considerate people. I feel blessed to have met them.

Aisha passed away today.

…But I’ll start with the good.
I got my paycheck, it’s a lot less then I expected. However, in money terms, there’s never enough.

My sister took me to the salon at JCPenny’s, for the first time in about two years I got my hair cut. Short. But it looks great, actually… I’ve never liked my hair so much. I can even style it myself. Wow. And it’s colored, with blonde highlights and mocha lowlights… Here’s a picture (it’s a photo on my myspace so I’m not sure if it’ll be viewable for everyone).

I also got my face waxed, haha. Never done that before, but it looks a lot better. She did my brows too, just the stray hairs.

And now the bad news.
A couple days ago I get home from work and my 5 (and a half) year old ferret, Aisha, is not walking. It’s like her legs have completely given out on her, mostly her right side. Her back is also very rigid and her tail is stiff, and one of her hind legs sticks straight out. Her front feet are balled up together and close to her body… I took her to the vet and he said it could be anything, and because of her age it’s expected. Most likely it was a stroke.

We decided that because she still eats and drinks, with help from myself… she’s not suffering. Whenever she does quit eating and starts to seriously go downhill I’ll be sure to take her in and have her put to peace. It’s still very sad though, she can’t do anything but lay around. She makes many attempts at moving around though, but it’s hard. I let her out when Maynard and Indica play, and she sits on the couch, eyes open, watching.
I just wish I knew for sure what happened, but being an animal, she’ll never be able to tell me.

I went through hell to get these photos up. Basically, since I can’ figure out the internet on my Windows Compaq PC, and this where I store all my photos and music… I had to back these up on a CD-R. Then I transferred them to this Macbook. Then I downloaded a trial version of CuteFTP to upload them (because I can’t remember my cpanel user name or password… sad ain’t it?)

I have sooooo many photos to share but these are the basic ones for now, I still need to send many to friends because they’re constantly requesting to have them. I would get off my ass and send everything, but it’s so much work.

Well, work if you consider sitting around staring at the computer and typing all day.

Our newest addition, Maynard. Matt and I with him.

I apologise if I sound like a damn hypochondriac.

The past three periods I’ve been through have been torture. The cramps are so bad that I even cry. It’s like I’m having a fucking haemorrhage in my abdomen. I read that if your stressed then it intensifies it, so that’s probably why. But ofcourse, I worry. I worry about every damn thing. I worry about whether I have a cyst or something, and with my luck I wouldn’t be surprised. It hurts so. god. damned. bad.

I got a new ferret! His name is Maynard - named after the lead singer of Tool. He’s GIGANTIC. I never knew a ferret can be so big, he’s like a cat. A freak. He’s about a foot and a half long (including tail), and probably weighs like, 5 pounds. His tail is as thick as a quarter - and I am not exaggerating.

There’s a problem though, Indica doesn’t get along with him. Well, it’s hard to tell. She chases him, and attacks him, and it looks rough but I don’t know for sure if their actually fighting or playing. He runs away, and comes to me for help because he doesn’t know how to get away from her… and I can tell that he’s scared. She literally attacks the heck out of him, biting his neck and shaking him (actually he doesn’t get shaken because he’s so damn big). It’s weird. He’s about 3 times bigger then she is.

So we keep them separated, oh hum… maybe she’ll get over it.

He sleeps with me too, it’s adorable. He runs around and plays, and when he’s ready to go to bed he comes up to the side of the couch and begs to be picked up (he’s too fat to climb anything). Then he snuggles up and goes to bed, on my chest. I love him.

Of course I love Aisha and Indica too, they’re my little girls still and always will be. I just wish Indie would stop picking on him so they can stay in the same cage.

My friend was kicked out of his apartment today; he asked if I could care for his puppy. Her name is Angel, and she’ll stay with me until Friday. I took some photos… the Boston terrier belongs to my roommate while the Border collie mix is mine…

And then another friend just got out of jail from being there over the weekend, and the person who gave me the Rolex was arrested last night. Jeezus. Speaking of last night, I bought a huge thing of Vodka and shared it with everyone… I had a little too much, so Steven drove and I slept at his place. We fought a good amount as well, which is very bad sign considering we’ve been together for a very short 3 weeks…
I don’t know if I should mention him here, after all… this is out in the public eye and if he were to come upon this page I don’t know if this would make him mad. I think we’re going down the shitter, and I really don’t want it to because I like him so much. Why did this have to happen? I thought things would be so perfect, and it seemed safe.. and now I can’t back out, it’s hit that point when I need him and although he makes me so happy I find myself hurt at the same time. le sigh

My cell phone is jacked up as well, it’s one of those Razors and it randomly thinks I’m pushing numbers on it… number 4 in particular. So I cannot talk to anyone without it beeping and texting is impossible. Ugh.