BethTrippin.com

I’m blowing my car up and faking my death. I hate everything.

Yeah I’m alive.
… Whether that’s good or bad; I’m unsure.

A lot has happened, lost another job, met a guy (no idea where that’s going but I’m just taking it as it comes - after all; men = greatness, then quickly followed by hell and further loneliness). Been going to many punk/metal shows, denounced 4 people as friends in the past month (3 of which because drugs and I’m not going to see them go down like so many others; and I’ve been there, lost my first two apartments because of that and much of my sanity) and another because of that guy I mentioned previously (makes no sense; she’s just crazy).

I’ve been drunk for the past 4 years or so but it comes in phases, and the past 3 months has literally been nonstop. I mean, I do manage not to drink during the day, but once 6pm comes around I get very shaky and antsy and that leads me to a drink, then to another, and about 10 more following that. Otherwise I just get jumpy, my vision slightly looses itself; and forget trying to sleep, the paralysis gets horrendous.
The drama involving several folks has pretty much set me in a bad mind-set and my depression is kicking in again. Or, well. I think I’m always depressed. I just like to try to keep myself distracted.
I’ve also had a bad habit these past many months of not going home. I go out, and pretty much couch surf between multiple friend’s apartments and get drunk as piss night after night. I hate coming home, it just makes me feel guilty to be sitting in my sister’s house because I cannot get my life together. I also hate the fact that when my parents come in town I feel like I’m of no importance - and sure, it is my fault, I’ve always ben a very complicated child. But as of now, I almost feel no bond with my family (besides my sister, whom I feel is slowly getting tired of putting up with me).

Hell. Fuck it. It could always be worse. That’s my life motto. Has been for many years. And when I do come home, I enjoy lying on my floor playing with the ferrets.

Damn, who woulda thought vodka and mango V8 Splash was a damn good combination.

If someone could just create a tele-porter; please contact me. I’m interested in being a guinea pig. Send me to an uninhabited island with nothing but horses and rolling hills with rocky cliffs and waterfalls.

Oh and I just remembered to mention, I got a letter in the mail today with was rather humorous. Texas has this whole ‘Don’t Mess with Texas’ campaign; which… previously… thought it was just some random road-signs that tax payers paid for. BUT - this letter I received had a notice saying that I was witnessed throwing a cigarette butt out of my car on October 5th 2009 at 7am and a civilian turned me in. The letter even has my plate number on it, make and model of my car, and the location of which this occurred at.
What boggles my mind is the fact that some dumbass tree-hugging hippie would go as far as to call the ‘Report a Litterer’ program for a mother fucking cigarette butt. Ridiculous.

Move to an Indian slum. Then call ‘Report a Litterer’ and see how many laughs you get. Jesus Christ. The letter they sent me probably used just as much resources as a fucking cig butt that’ll bio-degenerate in 10 years anyway.

People are so fucking retarded. All they want to do is start problems. There’s such a select few who actually care and want to have a good time.

Why are people so damn mean all the time, I just don’t get it. I need to step up and become a bitch and start treating everyone like shit, just as they treat me.

I rarely get comments these days that don’t involve Viagra or Russian spam; but it’s been about 2 weeks since I last checked this shit and I actually had two that were made from humans. I emailed one of the gals back, and then there was this one that I find thoughtful. Thanks person whomever you are. You should leave me an email address or myspace url so I can get back to ya.

My damn Macbook had some kind of stroke and won’t turn on now.. well; she turns on but stays on this floresent blue screen and doesn’t boot-up from there. Fuck my life. I intend to take her to the apple store to find out exactly what’s going on, but I’m sure it will involve me spending a asscrap of money to fix. I’m worried that it could be the harddrive; I have all my music on my ipod (which I seriously need to backup NOW before that MF fails on me just as all electonics do) and many photos uploaded on this server - but there are still things on the comp that mean the world to me (such as numorous videos of my deceased friend). I just refuse to think about it because it makes me want to bomb apple inc.

I’ve also been partying moreso in Bedford; I ended up calling in sick for work one day and then not calling nor showing another day last week. That cannot happen again, I will loose my job and once more I’ll be in a world of depression self-hatred shit. I’m really back on the alcohol again, that too must stop. However, willpower is just some word I cannot fathom. Everyday I clock out at work and drive home I have the hardest time keeping my mind set on just going to the house and not pulling into a convience store to buy booze. 95% of the time I fail. 80% of that I end up drunk as shit and get 3 hours of sleep and somehow manage to make to work at 6am still drunk and hating it. It really has nothing to do with having fun anymore; but just this weird pull of having my mind someplace other then ‘normal’.

Well. It’s only up to me to do anything about it, yet here I am - have had 8 beers and gotta get up at 6am tomorrow. I’m not ‘drunk’, but am buzzing slightly. Oh fuckkkk.
Why me? Is there any REAL explanation for this? I got piss drunk last night, and 4 nights last week. Shouldn’t that be enough?! My sister and her bf even hide their beer in her car, which is fuckin pathetic. Sheesh.

As for the whole Bedford party-hardy times, I think those folks are all sick of me. I need to be caged.

Yeah, well. I must get some sleep.

I’m finally going home, it has been over a year since I’ve last been there and feels much longer. I just cannot wait to see all my old friends; it’s nice seeing my parents too.. sort of. Though they do a damn good job at making me feel like shit.

I also got an email from this website’s hosting server and there is going to be a dns change. This presents a problem.
The laptop I had all my domain information was stolen about 3 years ago, so I can’t remember where I registered this domain, or any information (password, username, etc).
Possibly when they make the change this site will just redirect to my registrar, but then.. I’m not sure.
The switch will be tomorrow, so expect this place to offline for a minute.

Work has been pissing me off lately. Customers are complete idiots, and one of the shift-leads really gets under my skin and makes me want to go crazy. She’s demanding as fuck, has the loudest Starbuckslike voice and comes off as really fake. She tells me what to do, which I’m totally fine with (being that I’m under her) but it’s just constant. She asks me to sweep; which I already know do WITHOUT someone telling me too, and the second I’m done she tells me to take out the trash, and so forth. Really, I’m not an idiot. I know what needs to be done. It’s only when it is something new I’ll have to be told to do it, and even then I can figure it out on my own. She also apologizes to me about 3 times a day for her bitching, and the first few days it was alright but now I’m tired of it.. seriously, I don’t believe in apologizes if they are constantly being made.
But it’s not making me want to quit or anything, it just gets annoying. This place is so scattered, but I guess it’s normal for anyone who has ever worked at a starbucks to think all other places are messy.

I got off pretty early - around noon, came home and took a 6 hour nap. So now it’s 1:11am and I’m up, argh. I hate it when I’m up past 11:00 now.
And I did pretty shitty today as far as my diet. I stuck to all the low-cal low-fat stuff but ended up eating ALOT of it. Dammit. Now I just feel like shit and bloated.
I’ve also been fucking up lately with alcohol. Dammit. Dammit Dammit. I thought I was over all that.. I ended up having a few on sunday and was hungover as shit when I went to work the next morning. And then I had a bunch last night.. I went by a friend’s house and she had some vodka and a beer. She offered. I hesitated but gave in. This turned into me buying a 6 pack and knocking those back once I got back to my house. So again, I was hungover as shit when I got to work, and I was also 20 minutes late. I called to tell them I was going to be late but that bitch of a coworker got on the phone, I told her and she just hung up on me (UGH).

I don’t get it. I go on a diet, get positive about myself; only to go back to my drunken fatty ways. It seems to go in about 3 month intervals. And this bullshit has been going on for years, I’m so tired of it. What’s wrong with me?

I’m excited about visiting home but at the same time I am scared. I hate that I know that I cannot control myself. Willpower has left the building once I have a single beer, and my social anxieties make it damn near impossible to not drink when I’m hanging out with people.

FINALLY.

I start tomorrow. I don’t want to say where on here, just for privacy, but it’s a bagel/breakfast restaurant. I think it’ll be alright, it reminds me a Starbucks and that was a pretty cool job. It’s just that I might have to work early mornings… ick.

I also hung out with an old friend the other day and went to a rave. Sheesh, now I know why I haven’t been to one of those in about a year. Kids dressed up as idiots, with neon lights and geetered off their asses really makes me hate being a human and frightened about the future. So I drank, a bit too much… but it was the only way I was going to be able to tolerate anything. I probably made an ass of myself, but then.. everyone else was acting pretty stupid as well. The kids were nice at least, dumb.. but weren’t mean to me.

Even though I napped most of yesterday I managed to maintain my new ‘normal’ sleep schedule. I woke this morning around 9am. Now I need to go shopping for work clothes.

Megan wants a millionaire is fucking retarded, this is an insult to women everywhere and a total step back in feminism. Gosh. I think I’m the only girl in the world who demands to go dutch with a guy on everything.

I went to Walmart to make a run for food. I FUCKING HATE THAT PLACE. I would choose to go somewhere else, but albertson’s is noticeably much more expensive, and walmart has pretty good deals. THERE’S SO MANY STUPID PEOPLE SHOPPING THERE.

Why is it that 5 people have to walk side-by-side down the parking lot aisle, leaving you driving slow as shit behind them? I’m a nice person, and I get pissed quietly and don’t do anything about it. But I swear, NEXT time I’m going to get right up on their ass and blast my horn. …. (haha, that came out funny).

After moving to the Dallas/Fort Worth area, one of the first things I noticed was how people would cross in front of the store without even looking or stopping, expecting the drivers to stop for them. This never happened in El Paso, the pedestrians would be the ones stopping and making sure it’s clear before walking, otherwise they’d likely get hit.

AND then the iggits who have to leave their damn shopping carts in the middle of the shopping aisle, walk about 20 feet and spend a hour figuring out what to buy… then your coming along and have to push their damn cart out of the way so that you can get through.

AND not the mention the people who take up the whole shopping aisle and walk slow as hell.

sheeeeesh.

At least it wasn’t a friday or saturday evening. I avoid Walmart like a plague on these days.

He hasn’t called me for over a fuckin week, which he does a lot (even once as long as 4 weeks) so I give up.

But go figure, I’m not housing and feeding him anymore so it only makes sense he finds me too useless to call.

So, after a little over a year I’m single. Again.

I hate men. I’m not touching one, kissing one, nor even looking at one anymore. They are all selfish, fake users who are only opportunists. I have a vibrator. He works just fine, if not better. And I’ll daydream about Heath Ledger, whom is dead… but all men are to me anyways.

And in other news - I saw VNV Nation last night. IT WAS AMAZING.
I cried. Twice. haha

Kmfdm is coming in october!!! EEE!

Why is it that some cities don’t have the option to pay traffic citations online?

Walking into a damn courthouse to pay of a ticket asks for panic attacks. Ugghhh.
Well, having to make a presence in any bureaucratic office is beyond stressful. Even when I do take care of my shit and know that I have no warrants, I can’t help but feel like I’m going to puke everywhere.

I brought this up because I’m trying to take care of shit from home, and of course it is not working out (as usual). Southlake doesn’t have an online payment system. You would think - being the richest fucking city in the U.S., they’d be able to afford some kind of payment system.

And it has a lot to do with how they bullshit you if you DO have a warrant.

Such as over a year ago… They did this to me in Frisco; I called, asking details about my citation and they specifically said ‘No - your ticket has not become a warrant and you need to come in and pay your fine.’

So - I get to the courthouse, and they wouldn’t let me pay for my fine because I did not have a picture ID.
I did not renew my license because I was afraid to go to dmv for fear of a warrant, which is why I came to this courthouse in the first place because I needed a new id before my 21st bday.
“I’ll head back home and get an expired ID then.” I tell the clerk, but she looks up at me and states: “I can’t let you out of the building, you have a warrant.”
“I thought you told me over the phone I that my ticket had not yet become a warrant.” I’m say, further angered.
“It just became one. I cannot let you leave the building.”
“CAN’T I JUST PAY FOR IT, WHAT DOES IT MATTER IF I DON’T HAVE A PICTURE ID; YOUR STILLING GETTING MONEY.” (I’m getting pissed).
“It’s protocol, you have to have a picture ID and I cannot let you leave the building with an active warrant.” She says, like some kind of parrot.

So I called my sister, asked her to go by my apartment (about 45 minutes away from her house), and ask her to grab a journal I had years ago where I pasted an old id of mine in. However, It’s about 3:00 and she isn’t off work yet and the courthouse closes at 5:00.

So I sit and wait, and she can’t make it on time (bless her for being helpful though, man I don’t deserve that). Two hours go by (I’m sitting in the front with a damn cop watching me like I’m going to bolt for a fucking traffic citation). Thankfully the judge requests to see me at the end of his day, so I take an oath in front of him that I am the name of the person I’m TRYING TO PAY A DAMN FINE FOR.
I pay off the warrant and leave.

Ugh.

Of course, this all could have been avoided if I just paid off my shit. I understand that I was irresponsible. However, it pisses me off how they fool you into coming in. And why I can’t pay off my own fine without a photo id is straight up retarded. The reason why I had not renewed my id was because of a fear of a warrant, so I came here to get that fixed and ended up almost going to jail for a fucking 200-something dollar fine. It was just some weird kind of place to get myself stuck in, even the judge thought it was humorous.

Well, I guess it does make some sense though, if your clerk at a courthouse and someone calls you up asking if they have a warrant - obviously you have to say no even if they do, otherwise they would not come in. All counties have hard-ons for folks with warrants, even for parking tickets.

—- So this, my friends, is why I am scared of municipal courthouses, dmv’s, and any other departments. And this is why I’m trying to take care of it over the internet. Sometimes just logging onto any department website gives me anxiety and think a damn swat team is going to bust through my front door.

Enough of that, before I give myself a heart attack.

Well, speaking of heart attacks.. I ran today for the second time.
It actually felt better this time around, I was able to run longer. Problem is the damn blister on the back of my heel.. which is no longer a blister but a bunch of shredded skin. I bought blister bandaids but they just rubbed off. Dammit.

.. wtf. I can hear my sister’s cats arguing right outside my room. ha.

Poor website. Neglected. Over-looked. Hitless.

I went to Beaumont again, saw Devin’s friends’ band, Capital Scam for their last show of their tour. It was awesome. Beaumont is always awesome. Dallas/Fort Worth fucking sucks and I want out of here. There are too many goddamn closed minded snotty people who pretty much come off as prejudice towards me (or something, who knows… which makes no sense as I am probably the nicest person you’ll ever meet, confused - but am willing to please). But just as equally there are cool people. I guess I’ve just been through too much crap here and want to get away.

Well, people are people, and they are like that everywhere. I guess it gets more and more noticeable the longer you live in one area.

I’m also still jobless, and having one would make a massive positive impact on my life. I’d drink less, feel like I’m accomplishing something, and have some kind of schedule besides laying around all day hating myself. I’m pretty much on the verge of mental breakdown, or well… I’ve always felt like this. Why I haven’t shot myself yet is beyond me.

Maybe I ought to see a shrink in hopes to get some kind of anti-depressants. Sure, medication is never the right answer but I’ve been so bad off this past year that I’m sleeping around 14 hours a day and am pissed off whenever I wake up because I’m still fucking alive and in this same place. Willpower isn’t working.

I have another fucking interview tomorrow, this time at Walgreens to work at the cosmetic counter. Walmart didn’t work out, apparently my B misdemeanor pot possession from 3 years ago deemed me ‘unhirable’ (such bullshit, seriously - your telling me that EVERYONE who’s worked at Walmart has ONLY had traffic citations/offenses related to that class).
Walgreens will probably turn out the same, afterall, bigass corporations… (ugh don’t get me started on that). I think I’ll just try to be alittle more straight up in this interview rather then sugarcoating everything, since that hasn’t seemed to work.

I don’t pay bills, I have money. Not mine, but I have it. So for financial reasons - a job isn’t entirely needed. But, I’m borderline about to blow up this planet in anger and am drowning myself in a horrendous depression because I sit around all day and think too much about bullshit. I drink way to much, since I don’t have to get up and work the next day. I shower once a damn week because I simply feel no damn motivation to get off my ass and even go out…. because nobody is fucking hiring me and I’m not accomplishing anything, being an overall failure. A job is important for my mental state. Very.

And once I do find work (most likely in post-apocalyptic times if I survive) I am going to save up and move the fuck out of here and get a place with Devin in Austin or in the near-area. We choose Austin because a.) people there are great and much more accepting b.) there is a bus system for him c.) We’re already friends with many folks down there (well, he is.. but I’m well acquainted) d.) Being in a ‘happy’ environment will keep me sane, thus functioning.

Devin and I have been together for 9 fucking months but not with our own place, and having to deal with the 250 miles between us. I’m hating it. I’ve had to get in my car, say bye to him, and drive away about 7 times now.. leaving him at places not even he can stay at. His situation is even worse then mine, since nobody can let him stay with them and he’s out in the middle of nowhere. How he can get a job that’s in bumfuck africa without a home is near impossible.

However, there are a few things about Austin that has me worried. a.) If things DID go downhill (financially/emotionally/achoholically/any other kind of ally) I’d go crazy. Probably move back in with my parents and possibly finally work up the guts to kill myself b.) There are many good people there, who enjoy hanging out often - If I’m going to hang out with anyone I will have to work on my drinking by not doing it unless there’s a show or party or something. Hanging out and NOT having a beer in my hand is a massive battle I’ll have to deal with. People make me nervous. Beer numbs nervousness. I have to learn to get over that. c.) The last time I lived with a boyfriend it damn near ruined my life, of course, Devin is very much different from that last psycho… but I still worry about things going the complete opposite of what is planned.

Well, that’s the bottom line - fear of the unknown. Always plaguing me.

And a change of topic, before I start breaking something or crying…
I’m going to start eating right and working out. I have not weighed myself in months, but I’m damn sure it’s nearing 190 lbs. My pants do not fit anymore. I need to go out and buy more, but I hate, hate hate absolutely hate shopping. So instead I don’t wash them, so they remain stretched out. I don’t wear my modified tank top band shirts anymore because they too hardly fit and I feel uber-huge having my shoulders and upper arms showing.
Plus, getting off my ass and exercising will make me feel overall better about myself, and increase my energy. If I could channel all my stress and sadness into running around the neighborhood again, that would be much better then eating fried chicken and playing PS3.
I’ve done it before, can do it again. I have lost around 20 lbs by eating right and jogging back in late 2007 early 2008, but it took about 6 fucking months to do so. I’ve gained all that back and then some because I did not stick to it. But I know it is possible, and it wasn’t entirely as dreadful as most think it to be. The hard part will be the first 2 weeks or so, since I’m so damn out of shape.
I’ve also craiglisted stationary bikes and intend to buy one, that way I could stick it in front of the television and sit there drilling myself in my bedroom.

It’s so damn unfair that my metabolism is slow as fuck. If I ate like a normal person I still gain weight, so I just need to do extra. I know it is society that makes us believe we’re supposed to look a certain way that’s unrealistic, and I’ve had so many men tell me not to worry and that I’m fine. But seriously they’re full of shit. I’m 5′8″ and yes, I wouldn’t mind being 120 lbs - which is sickly, but seriously, it would be nice to be a size 2. But it ain’t going to happen unless I run daily marathons and go on an all-out cocaine binge. I’m just going to eat right, work out, and not aim for a specific number or size but just see how much lard I can loose in healthy method.

Well, that was a large post - and what’s surprising about it is that I’m 100% sober. This is probably the first post I’ve made that’s over a paragraph and I’m not in a drunken ramble.

Oh and by the way, I bought Grand Theft Auto 4 and Resistance and both are badass. Resistance is beginning to scare the crap out of me.

So in my last post I mentioned my citations.

I paid off the P.I. warrant, because… well, uhm. I got pulled over for speeding and was picked up for it. Thank god I had money in the bank and was out of Keller jail in less than an hour. I’m ashamed, but happy that they were able to book and process me that quickly. I just have to call Irving tomorrow to make extra sure that the warrant is cleared.

So, no more P.I. warrant! I’m broke. $390 to pay that MF off. And just to think, if I were to be responsible and pay it off in the beginning it would be around $250. But my dumbass had to be insubordinate and let it draw out into a warrant. Once again. I’ve been arrested in grand total about 10 times in the past 3 years, most of which being warrants for BS, lost a job because of a warrant related arrest and just causing more burdens for myself. I don’t get it, why can’t I just grow the fuck up and take care of things? I guess I just think I can get away from legal things, but no - I don’t. Ever. The right thing to do would be to sit it out and not bother to pay for it. I should learn to ‘pay my dues’.

And now, two more speeding tickets.

Sheesh. I have an iron foot

Beth - get it together. Please for fucks sake.

Or just move, far… far far away. To someplace non-exsistant like middle earth.
Or well, I’ve come close… Oblivion came in the mail today and I’m playing this game non-stop. It’s like crack!!!
Help! I need an rpg PS3 intervention!!!

I wish I had the power to fly.

Twister is on TNT. I haven’t seen this shit in years - hellz yeah. Good ole Bill Paxton. Ha.

And the Popeyes near my house is ran by a bunch of morons. I had to repeat my order 3 times at the intercom and they still got it completely wrong, it was cold, and the dude at the window wouldn’t stop trying to have a conversation with me. Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have been so frustrated, but one of my contacts fell out while driving there - so here I was driving with only one eye open to keep myself from getting nauseous. Then I somehow managed to near hang myself with my seat belt when I got out of my car, causing my chicken box to open and my biscuit fell out.

I also owe the City of Irving about $300-400 worth of fines that I do not know how the hell I’m going to pay. Ugh.

Fuck my life.

I just want to go to Beaumont, pick up Devin, and drive north - anywhere. Or go back to New Mexico and be woodland people. Max the shit out of my gas card. Run away. The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster.

These are from last night -

I need to cut my bangs. They’re getting annoying.
I’m also getting more and more addicted to makeup. The best site EVER. It’s pointless. But whatever. I have nothing better to do then paint my face.

I hate that Devin lives 300 miles away. Why can’t I just find a fucking job, get my shit together, my own place… and have him stay with me; like a normal couple.

Oh wait … NOBODIES HIRING ME. I’m going to my next interview tipsey (no - not really, but it’s crossed my mind).

Fuck the world. I hope the apocalypse hurries the fuck up and I’m standing right in the path of it. Fuck everyone. This is a big shithole where only the selfish survive.

So Which Wich didn’t hire me.

I’m a little bit of a mess (not nearly as bad as ‘07 though). Without a job, I have nothing to do. And when there’s nothing to do, I drink. I’m trying to quit entirely; I went 3 days and then drank last night. I think the only way to have even a small chance at stopping would be to lock myself up in my house and never go out. Being around a bunch of people is impossible without a couple shots.

Ugh.

And I’m having badass dreams once again. For the past week it’s been the most random shit. Last night’s was very weird, at some point I was on the top of my childhood bunk-bed on a cliff and stuck there. It made no sense, it was kind of scary. I also dreamt of ferrets running around everywhere (a common occurrence in my dreams). I love sleeping. I love lucid dreams. I can do anything in them. I can be anyone.

A brief message from Gus’ room…