BethTrippin.com

This is seriously one poor excuse for a blog. It looks like shit, I don’t write anything really thought provoking, and it’s rarely updated. Sheesh.

So No Thanks Fest was last weekend, just two good ole’ days of being drunk, listening to good music and rolling around in the mud. My stomach hurts like crazy from all the alcohol consumption (well, and I drank last night, so that’s mainly why). Someone jacked the front plate of my truck and maybe my ipod (though there’s a large chance I could have just dropped it somewhere). But it’s worth it in the end, since I haven’t had that much fun in a really long time and I’m already impatient about next year. I’ve never met such hospitable people in my life, everyone was just very friendly and if they had a bottle of booze or some food they’d straight up ask if you wanted any.

The music was great, no real bad shit happened, even getting shot twice by a paintball gun by Lala’s crazy boyfriend was fun.

I also dreamt last night that I was in a Buddhist temple and there was some attractive dude I was hanging out with who wore a shirt with Sesame’s Street Ernie on it. The dream got very vivid but I’ll spare you guys. I wonder who he’s supposed to represent. His face is fuzzy, but didn’t seem like anyone familiar. Just an average guy.
I’ve been getting some really wacked dreams lately.

Oh and, uhm… by the way. I quit my job. Well, it was more like… I stopped showing up.
I just couldn’t take it anymore, they were a bunch of lazy assholes who had me doing all the work.

So here I am back at point A. Jobless. Huge social life. Drunk 75% of the time. Least I’m not depressed, or not yet anyways.

…on here.

There isn’t much to talk about these days, I’m consumed with working and whenever I’m home I’m passed out by 9pm or playing video games.

I’m off sunday, so I’ll be able to go to a much anticipated show in Denton tomorrow night; the band headlining is Hellbasterd and they’re pretty awesome. There’s also a bunch of good local grind/crust bands playing as well.
I think I’m just excited about going to a show, it’s been about a month since I last went to one and I’m starting to get withdrawls.

The past two times I went out I just hung and got drunk with a small group of friends in Bedford. Fun times. Fun times. I’ve really been saving money by not going to bars, it makes a huge difference. Not to mention the fact I have a job and am putting in about 40 hrs a week. I pay my sister half my paycheck, but I’m still better on cash then I ever have been and knowing I earned it makes me feel pretty damn good.

As for the diet - eh. I’m not doing as good, I’m still keeping my calories under 1600 a day and I don’t drink anything other then water with lemons (but beer calls on occasions). Or well, hm.. I’m actually not doing anything wrong with it. I eat a multigrain turkey sandwich with no mayo at work, and at home I make sure to consume just low-cal stuff. I’ve also been doing good with not eating past 7pm.
Yesterday was a big no-no … I got a full rack of ribs from Chili’s and ate the ENTIRE thing. Eeeeek.

Also, something hilarious happened last weekend, I got a call from ‘it’ and I was drunk as shit and being a bitch to him. Haha; I’m sure I said a lot of dumbass things but hell, I don’t care. I’ll never see him again anyways, he’s on the otherside of the damn country. Good.

I just took a 2 hour nap and dreamt I was surfing on a mountain of bagels and my boss was trying to get me arrested for it. The cop was ridiculously hot too.

Hm. Well, I don’t make any sense of that.

I’m going to stop by some computer store and see if they sell left and right click mice for macs. As stated in yesterdays post, I want to get back into graphic design but that’s near impossible with a touch pad. I also need to find a free version of Adobe Photoshop, I hope with a bunch of digging on the internet I can find something; who cares if it’s version 4.0.
I have photoshop on my other windows laptop, but that computer has smoked too many spliffs or something because it’s ridiculously slow and half the keyboard doesn’t work. Plus - it’s annoying as all hell to create designs on there, then have to transfer them to my mac (because I can’t get the damn internet working on it, and I’d like to have all my files organized on one comp).
In fact, I’m also having problems with my keys sticking on this mac as well. You folks might notice my spelling is off these days but that’s because of this.

I’m off tomorrow (YAY) but gotta go in sunday (BOO) so I’m going out tonight to a grind show. I have not been drunk in 7 days (a record) so I’m totally drinking it up tonight. I’ll take $30 with me and leave all the debit cards at home so I don’t end up spending everything and getting completely hammered. This is what all problem drinkers should do, and totally works for me. Just as long as people don’t offer to buy drinks for me, or I don’t ask them too (yes, I’ve asked before whilst belligerent and got what I wanted). I also ate light today so that- along with the beer, I won’t consume a massive amount of calories. Eating over a thousand calories and then going out for a night of drinking and having around 10 beers is BAAAD.

Rotersand - Almost Wasted

All the time i called my own
And all the times that wouldn’t come
All the times i went for waiting
All the time that passed me by

All the times the world was mine
And all the times i played for time
All the time that rushed with fever
All the times i didn’t try

Those lessons learned - almost wasted
Those assets earned - almost wasted

And all my time is almost wasted
All my memories and all my time

And all my time the blood i’ve tasted
Canned in memories of all my time
…………………………………..

Imperative Reaction - Collapse

Just let it go
It doesn’t matter
It’s all sustainable
Just continue to grow
As we use everything obtainable

It’s what you wanted
Not what we need
It’s what you started
And now we bleed

To a means this is the end
Line up as we pick apart the wound we cannot mend
The structure is collapsing
Broken by the weight of endless demand

This is progress failing
This is hope draining away
This is excess derailing
No way to cope with what we’re giving away

Just let it fall
It never mattered
It’s all replaceable
Just continue this all
As we sink
Everything is usable

It’s what you wanted
Not what we need
It’s what you started
And now we bleed

To a means this is the end
Line up as we pick apart the wound we cannot mend
The structure is collapsing
Broken by the weight of endless demand

This is progress failing
This is hope draining away
This is excess derailing
No way to cope with what we’re giving away

To a means this is the end
Line up as we pick apart the wound we cannot mend
The structure is collapsing
Broken by the weight of endless demand

This is progress failing
This is hope draining away
This is excess derailing
No way to cope with what we’re giving away

To a means this is the end
Line up as we pick apart the wound we cannot mend
The structure is collapsing
Broken by the weight of endless demand

This is progress failing
This is hope draining away
This is excess derailing
No way to cope with what we’re giving away
………………………………………….

Yay for industrial, the genre nobody else likes. Rotersand is a very good underground industrial/techno group I encourage those of similar interests to look up. If you decide to look into them, I suggest these songs - Almost Wasted; Electronic World Transmission; Alive; Rushing, and Social Distortion.

Another good, industrial/synthpop group I have been listening to quite often goes by the title of Imperative Reaction and I suggest these songs - Judas; Collapse; Further to Fall; Never Ending; Something I Left Behind, and Giving into the Change.

Municipal Waste is coming to Austin tomorrow; I am excited… time to let out some aggression. Thrash is almost as badass as industrial.

Was AMAZING.

And so…
Britney and I drove to Oklahoma City to see a crust band by the name of “Fleas and Lice” on Friday night. We crashed over at Conner’s house, along with a bunch of other punky kids (a couple from my area that I am aquatinted with). I enjoyed it, ALOT. We didn’t actually see this band, everyone was piss drunk and started fights before they came on set, so we all left before the end of the show.
Then we drove back to Dallas the following day, where “Fleas and Lice” performed, so we saw them again. Britney got kicked out because the girl who worked the door saw her washing the under age X’s off her hands in the bathroom. Meanwhile - I jammed the night away.
Then, drove to Austin the next day (Sunday) and saw the band again. A couple of squatter kids asked me to drive them there, and I wanted to keep going… so it was spur of the moment. The door man didn’t let us in because he saw us drinking PBR infront of the club, but our friend (who I brought along) was able to contact the venue manager, and we got in.
So, Austin was my third night in a row to take part in drunken moshing.

Britney had a bath in Oklahoma, I - on the other hand… went those 3 days without any showers. I have never stunk so bad in my life… I never even took my pants off the entire time. I did wear a different shirt for the Dallas show, but put my KMFDM shirt back on for Austin after wearing it in OKC. By the time we got home on monday we looked like the worse case of squatter girl/ sewer rats.

hahaa. This pic is from when we got back.

Then, Britney punched some guy in OKC. Then in Austin she punched a parking meter.

And apparently the back of my truck doubles as a trash can.

In OKC… infront of Conner’s house.

I wish I could have kept going across the country to shows…

I’ve been in a funk for so long, and in the first time in many months I can taste a strange sense of security… and last weekend really helped.
The rituals that go on in my head for when I feel impending panic attacks have slightly worn off, and now I really feel that I have found my place in life - not entirely, but I’m a step closer.

When I go to shows, I feel panicked…. in that I am scared that something, anything can go wrong…. whether it’s someone being raped, hurt, arrested… but this weekend, I felt that kind of “impending doom” anxiety… but it did not fester severely as it usually does.

Maybe this is the beginning of the old Beth coming back?

Then, we’re going to Kansas for a festival.
And I’m the driver… but there is drama between everyone… but me. Personally, I want to take every person who can go, as I want to have a good time, with many people… many characters.
I don’t have drama with anyone, perhaps slight drama, but nothing that would interfer. I just want to take everyone. I just wish everyone would fucking get along!

I got out of high school 3 god damn years ago - I know I’ve started drama in my past and I feel bad, even dwell on it to the point where I can’t quite take it anymore. But all the drama I have caused was NOT INTENTIONAL. It’s usually because someone gets under my skin, and they knew they did…. or used me, and that’s why I dislike those I choose too.
But stupid, petty drama really pisses me off.

Petty HS bullshit is hard for me to tolerate. Bleh.

I love Blue Moon.

Oh! I got a hairless rat!

Britney suggested that I name her Labia… because she’s pink, hairless, and soft… but I didn’t like that. I decided on “Clit”… but then Brit mentioned the name “Beaver”. I liked that more, so now her name is Beaver.

She’s very nervous, but she’s young… it’s my job to introduce her to people and socialization so she will become a social rat.

From a few nights ago with Paula and Megan. Click on for full size.

Girl friends

Our outings usually consist of man-hating. It’s like a Sex & the City episode (MAY 30TH!!!!!!)

My sister, her coworker, and I also saw Mindless Self Indulgence with The Birthday Massacre and Combichrist on wednesday. It was amazing; equivalent to a 4 hour orgasm. The mosh pits were awesome, and MSI did a damn good job. The lead singer surfed all the way to the back of the mass of people where he sat on a fan’s shoulders. I touched him, haha.

And my grandmother is moving to a retirement center and selling a lot of her furniture. I got a recliner… the thing is damn ugly but it’s comfy. Some obese lady broke the lever, but it reclines when I lean back. I just have to make it a house rule that nobody can sit in it when the ferrets are out - otherwise there’d be a disaster.

Finding good, new music is better then finding a man.

I downloaded some new stuff from a band called, Imperative Reaction and I’m damn obsessed. I cannot stop listening to these songs. I also got some more from Covenant and Grendel…
And I was thinking that I’ve found all the good music in the world and had run out of anything new. Ha.

I also finally got around to buying Interview with a Vampire (the movie). I’ve never watched it straight through before, and whoa damn… I will forever have Lestat (Tom Cruise) and Louie (Brad Pitt) fantasies.
Please feel free to bite my neck… seriously, I won’t mind the least bit You’ll even get to do other things as well… heehee.

Then last night I had some crazy dreams, sheesh. My ex was in it, which is a first in months. It was interesting though, the fucker had a broken leg and was trying to be nice and I threw beer bottles at him.

Wikipedia

That’s an awesome article. Hellz yeah.

Click on for full size.

Myself; taking silly photos.

So here are some photos from the JFA show over at Red Blood Club. They were taken by Scott Mankoff; his website being Crazypictureguy.com. I intend to purchase the one of the girls and I and frame it, I think it’s such a good photo.

Mrs. Doubtfire is on television right now, hellz yeah. I love this movie. Robin Williams is the shiznit.

Mrs. Doubtfire: He was quite fond of the drink. It was the drink that killed him.
Miranda: How awful, he was an alcoholic?
Mrs. Doubtfire: No, he was hit by a Guinness truck, so it was quite literally the drink that killed him

Haha!!! It’s nice watching this after so many years because now I understand the dialogue and purpose much better. It’s hilarious, but still sad.

Speaking of sad. Lately I’ve been getting weird mood swings. I find myself angry; wanting to beat up just anyone (I’ve never been in a fight - well, sorta on New Years but I was waaaay outmatched). Yesterday a hearse drove by, proceeding to a graveyard with cars following. I just started busting out crying. What the hell? Then a few minutes ago there was some commercial with beautiful orchestra music and I almost starting crying. Ugh.
Then my regular anxieties are still plaguing me. As always. I’m sure I’ll die of a heart attack before I’m 30 at this rate. Stupid daily events; such as sitting at a red light, makes my blood pressure rise and I feel a sense of panic. Gosh. Why?
The horse has really been helping me out, he’s the greatest therapy. With horses, I always have this feeling that they understand me and want me to be proud of them. It sucks that I can’t ride - my girth was stolen (the belt that attaches the saddle to their back). I have another one, but it was Oreo’s, which will never fit Fred. At least it was just the girth, and not my saddle or bridle. I now don’t leave my tack in front of his stall, but choose to lock it up in the trailer.

Well. I got 4 hours of sleep last night so I plan on taking a nap; and this post has taken forever since I’m only typing during commercials…

I’m also craving Chipotle severely. Eh. I can’t be buying $7 tacos, sheesh.

The weekend wasn’t quite as great as planned. I had a wonderful time on saturday night. Britney and I went to a show (Unit 21 was the band) and I somehow managed to spend $50 on drinks at the damn bar; am now completely kicking myself for it. I think I bought some people drinks, but I’m not sure. I must’ve had 2 shots of Vodka, and about 5 beers. I also had two beers before I got there… so yes. I became “Drunken Belligerent Beth”.

Then there was an after-party where there was a keg… and I have no idea how much I had. I just remember running around like a retarded idiot shouting “EVERYONE HAVIN A GOOD TIME?!!!!” Then discussing random topics with strangers. I know I talked about horses, religion, punk music, industrial music…
Then pouring beer on Corbin and him pouring beer on me.
I wish I had his number so I could apologize. I don’t know why I act the way I do, at least I don’t start crying anymore.

I was like the way I was in high school at parties, I’d get crazy and only care about whether everyone having a fun time. I don’t know why, but sheesh…

Britney didn’t have much fun though *le sigh*

And photo of her and I..

And she’s got me addicted to age-defining makeup. The oiliness really helps the loose powder stick and looks like my skin is glowing. I hardly get acne anymore, so I suppose the oil won’t hurt.

Oklahoma City was pretty awesome. We just got back today around 3pm. I went with Britney and Cassandra… we saw 4 bands, and hung out with 2 guys who played in them. The 5 of us got a hotel room and hung out. Due to drama between others I’ve never met, we couldn’t go to a location where there was an after party. Which made me mad, but… the show made it worth it.

Drama is no bueno!!!!

I will go back. It was a very punk scene, and I’m not much of the punk fan… but I love going to the shows because the people are lots of fun. Although… I do like the heavier sounding punk. It’s grown on me very slowly these past months. It will never replace industrial, as that’s where my niche has always been. I just enjoy meeting new, different people and having fun with them.

And…. yes, I know I’m moderately fat, YES… I know I’m whiter then a diseased hermit. But here’s a photo I just took of the damage done to my legs from going to 3 shows in a period of 8 days…

I adjusted the brightness and contrast since the flash made it hard to see. The wound on my knee happened about 2 and half months ago, and somehow managed to reopen at the TOLAR show. Notice the hugeass bruise on the top of my left foot… I have no idea how that happened. My arms are pretty beaten up, and there’s a bunch on my back and ribs as well… but moshing is damn fun. I have a high tolerance for pain and when my adrenaline is going I tend not to feel anything.

However… huge, drunken, violent guys are the kind that keep me away from the pit.

I just remember twisting my ankle at the Citizen Fish/Millions of Dead Cops show… THAT SUCKED. I now make sure to wear steel-toed ankle boots whenever I go to crazy shows.
Speaking of - my Demonia boots… UGH… The sole ripped off at the Every time I Die show (which we missed half of because some website said it started at 8:30 when it actually started at 6… AHHHH, SO MAD) and I managed to find it amongst all the bodies of people. So now I’ve fixed it with duct tape - which is actually stylish. It was at this show I had asked a couple people to pick me up because I wanted to crowd surf… and well, being 150 lbs… I went about 5 feet and ended up landing on my ass and taking out a bunch of others who were unable to support me. But, eh… I was laughing my ass off the entire time. It also got me right up by the stage.

I crowd surfed at the Korn show back at my sophomore year of high school… must’ve traveled a good 30 feet because I was pretty much flying all over the place, doing backflips and frontflips atop a huge mass of people. But I was 130 lbs back then. I’ll get back down to that, I swear…

All these shows make me feel… uhm… for lack of a better word - BLISSFUL. It reminds me of high school, which are the days I’d love to go back to. It’s been distracting me from all the anxiety and bullshit I’m still trying to get over, caused by assholes.

Oh and…
Paula records assloads of videos, so all these were collected from her. It us, actually like… well.

Here’s Austin in one of my thongs… hahahaha!!

And then Amanda talking to me with her butt…

And then on a different day, Paula and I looking for the “2 Girls, 1 Cup” video to show to Brandon - who has NO IDEA what it is.. (I look like asscrack cause I’m not wearing makeup, dammit.. eh. Oh well.)

And then, we’re so excited because we finally found it, for free.

And here is Brandon’s reaction… Listen carefully and you can hear me coughing and gagging in the background because it’s so damn DISGUSTING.

HAHAHAHAAA!

<3 to Paula for recording so much of this.

… was awesome.

I went with my girl friend to a metal show on Friday, which is always loads of fun. Being in the middle of many sweaty bodies might seem disgusting, but when at a show it’s one of the most exciting places to be. Throwing my hands and head everywhere is one of the top stress-relievers.

My dumbass parked the truck on an unpaved hill. Right next to a wall. I questioned it when I arrived but there was no place else to park - so I took my chances. As we left, the truck got stuck. My tires kept spinning and it wasn’t getting anywhere, except inching closer to the wall.
So here I am with a bunch of drunk people, my car against a wall and not able to move. But we somehow managed to get it out with rocking her back and forth. What strikes me funny is how there were people pushing her, shouting to me what to do, and Britney and Robby are sitting in the bed talking like they were sitting at a dinner table (she was too intoxicated to do anything, and being in the bed is probably the safest place for her to be). Haha.

And last night a bunch of people came over and we drank ourselves into absolute craziness. I’ve seen a lot in my life whilst among a bunch of drunken people, but last night was one of the most interesting nights of my life. We played spin the bottle, except converted it into a drinking truth-or-dare game. As time went on we changed it into just dares, since we kept running out of questions for those who were saying truth.

Austin ended up in my black thong, Brandon had my underwear on his head and nothing on but a sock on his junk, Toast had Paula’s bra on his head and they switched clothing, Amanda’s top was off, and I - well… heh.
Things got even MORE crazier after that.

And my disgusting ex kept calling and I did a pretty good job ignoring it, but after a bottle of wine and 5 beers I eventually answered as I was getting very annoyed. The voice on the other side was that of a 14 year old he hangs out, and a bunch of drunken people in the background. He called me fat and said a few other things, but I found it all so humorous.

What I don’t understand is how my ex is mad at me when he’s the one with bad issues. I mean - dude… I was the one lied too, cheated on, used for drug money and a place for him to stay at, and well… one day I’ll say the rest when it all blows over. But there’s a lot of really messed up stuff about Matt that he did to me, to others, and to himself. I had to seek a damn counselor after we broke up. I’m still in disbelief that a person could be so immoral and cruel to others.
He never keeps friendships for more then severals months, so with time he’ll be gone… or in jail, or dead from an overdose. I’ve talked to his past “friends” and they sure did share some interesting things. But I know I’m not the ignorant one anymore.

Each day is getting better for me, I enjoy being with good people. I can feel the past Beth coming back, I will always have trust issues… but no longer to the point of where it effects my life.

I’ve also become a VNV Nation addict. Ronan Harris is a lyrical genius. I have spent so many hours crying (sober and drunk) to his music. I’m going to share some…

Arclight
At first light lay proud foundations.
Sense the greatness that before you unfolds.
Seek no more for hollow answers.
Answers that lay within you all along.
Farewell to dawns seen through saddened eyes.
Farewell to pasts to sorrows chained.
Forget your fears.
You will have everything.
You will be strong and want no more.
You’ll be adored.
You will have everything.
Forget your fears and want no more

- I’ve also started browsing Songmeanings.net often. I like reading others’ opinions of lyrics. For this song, some mentioned how it’s about death (being that the arclight is what they say you see right after you’ve passed) or a message to newly born. I see it as a positive song, saying that things will always get better.

Savior
As the stars appear I know I’ll find you staring at the sky.
Pointlessly reaching for some light
You hope to guide your sorry way.
Your body bleeding.
Your body burned.
Your body scarred.
Around the cinder of your heart

You seek a God to stand above you,
wrapping healing arms around you.
You’ll find another God of pain,
a God of suffering and tears.
Give yourself unto your God.
Sacrifice yourself again.
Burn your thoughts erase your will to Gods of suffering and tears.
Tie hallowed bonds around your hands.
Kneel before this seat of shame to Gods as lost,
Gods as blind, Gods of suffering and pain.

- Don’t look to God to help you, look in yourself.

Legion
Enveloped in a sentiment, a sound that rushes over me.
Engage an impulse to pretend I have a faith as pure.
Not forgetting what it means to dream.
Indulging everything.
Entertaining thoughts that I’ve the strength of those I yearn to be.
Cheers and tribute greet the saviours.
Reckless thoughts survive.
Anachronistic and impulsive.
And what will happen?
Will I dream?
I am too scared to close my eyes.
For a second please hold me.
None can change in me these things that I believe.
But I don’t know what happens now.
I am too scared to close my eyes.

- When we die - Heaven? Does it exist? Or do we just dream endlessly? Or are we nothing?

I cannot stop listening to this music. Those three songs are the best ones; but there’s a lot of others that are great. VNV Nation, along with Assemblage 23, have supported me so much. Just as Nine Inch Nails did (and still do).

I’m 20 years old.

Been to college twice (a University and then Community), dropped out both times.

Have never held a job longer then 5 months.

Been medically diagnosed with depression for the past 6 years.

Am STILL recovering from heavy drugs and an abusive relationship.

Every day, my mind screams: “FUCK UP!“.

I know this sounds very extreme, and may seem as a cry for help… but I don’t need any help. I get it, and yet it’s still never enough…
But if I had no family, no friends…. I see no reason for existing anymore.

I am so tired of this stress, this anxiety, EVERYTHING.
All I can do is surround myself with my pets, friends, and alcohol.

I just watch Discovery Health about people with AIDS and Cancer to reassure myself that things could always be worse.

When I am upset, sick of my life, my fucked up relationship with Matt, the death of Adam, my guilt, my self-hatred… my loneliness, I listen to Assemblage 23. And others… music is a huge relief.

Assemblage 23 - Anthem

We are born of stone
And etched by wind
Cast aside to live or die
We are the pawns in our own game

Like refugees
Of silent wars
We step on ever-shifting ground
Promoting what we undermine

For countless days
We walked alone
Directionless and vulnerable
Sitting targets wearing smiles

No one of us will go unscathed
By private battles we have braved
A vicious circle we have built
Constructed from our shame and guilt

The flags we wave
Are set afire
To warm the bones of infant dreams
Even as our present is set ablaze

The tinderbox
We sit upon
Decays in churning mists of fog
And crumbles down into the sea

No one of us will go unscathed
By private battles we have braved
A vicious circle we have built
Constructed from our shame and guilt

We lie embraced
In the arms of dawn
The fading echoes of pointless time
Statuettes of Ignorance

And even as
The clock hand sweeps
We pay no mind to where we are
Surely we’re not allowed to die

No one of us will go unscathed
By private battles we have braved
A vicious circle we have built
Constructed from our shame and guilt

So I planned for many weeks to go see this band, and the day arrives… and I’m sick. Sick as in… hung-over, coughing, gagging, hacking, projecting lung butter in the trash can.

And I’m broke. I spent the $40 on bullshit. Thankfully I had a few bucks to get some Nyquil, which knocked my ass out for quite a while.
I’m so angry with myself. I have wanted to see these guys for quite awhile and the day comes, and I’m too broke and ill to go. BAAAH!

There’s more shows coming up, and Flogging Molly will probably be back next year and then I’ll be there.

And I dropped my phone in the toilet at Ryan’s party, so the bitch doesn’t work anymore. Oh BooHOO.

Dredg - Scissor Lock

I think I’m awake
rolling
(picking up auditory hallucinations)
on my blanket
I am sinking

I too once thought the radio played
let’s act like children while we sleep paralyzed

Jeremy played this song for me a few days ago and I copied the entire album. While intently listening to it I realized it’s about sleep paralysis. Considering my severe episodes I’ve had this year, this is my new favorite song. It’s very hard for me to listen to it though as SP is something quite tramatic for me.

And now that I have SP on my mind and it’s 1:00am; I’m scared to try to go to sleep. I can already feel that I might have another episode tonight, because for me, even thinking of it somehow magnifests it.

I haven’t had an attack since Matt lived here, and having one alone, with nobody to calm me down… would be beyond terrifying.

I’m even crying right now because I know I will experience one tonight… my mind is in that state when I somehow know it’s going to happen. It’s something so frightening for me, even though I know it’s in my mind, but it’s like a plague. My best option is not to think about it, but it’s difficult not to.