BethTrippin.com

I keep getting drunk and doing stupid things amongst folks I hang out with.

Given some time I’m going to fuck up everything if I don’t get my shit together. I hate beer.

I think I’m just going to seclude myself in my bat-cave for a few days. I don’t particularly want to, but I need to calm down and get some rest. My phone is broken anyway so nobody can contact me. I also have a new job, today was my second day and I’m lovin it. It’s at a video game store; so it’s perfect and very easy. Tomorrow will be an 11 hour shift because Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 comes out at midnight. Oh joy…

I also dreamt the other day that I got to be part of a camera crew for a porn; but it was The Simpsons.. , and everything was flooded because of a hurricane… and jesus showed up… Uhm. Yeah. Makes no sense.

This is seriously one poor excuse for a blog. It looks like shit, I don’t write anything really thought provoking, and it’s rarely updated. Sheesh.

So No Thanks Fest was last weekend, just two good ole’ days of being drunk, listening to good music and rolling around in the mud. My stomach hurts like crazy from all the alcohol consumption (well, and I drank last night, so that’s mainly why). Someone jacked the front plate of my truck and maybe my ipod (though there’s a large chance I could have just dropped it somewhere). But it’s worth it in the end, since I haven’t had that much fun in a really long time and I’m already impatient about next year. I’ve never met such hospitable people in my life, everyone was just very friendly and if they had a bottle of booze or some food they’d straight up ask if you wanted any.

The music was great, no real bad shit happened, even getting shot twice by a paintball gun by Lala’s crazy boyfriend was fun.

I also dreamt last night that I was in a Buddhist temple and there was some attractive dude I was hanging out with who wore a shirt with Sesame’s Street Ernie on it. The dream got very vivid but I’ll spare you guys. I wonder who he’s supposed to represent. His face is fuzzy, but didn’t seem like anyone familiar. Just an average guy.
I’ve been getting some really wacked dreams lately.

Oh and, uhm… by the way. I quit my job. Well, it was more like… I stopped showing up.
I just couldn’t take it anymore, they were a bunch of lazy assholes who had me doing all the work.

So here I am back at point A. Jobless. Huge social life. Drunk 75% of the time. Least I’m not depressed, or not yet anyways.

I just took a 2 hour nap and dreamt I was surfing on a mountain of bagels and my boss was trying to get me arrested for it. The cop was ridiculously hot too.

Hm. Well, I don’t make any sense of that.

I’m going to stop by some computer store and see if they sell left and right click mice for macs. As stated in yesterdays post, I want to get back into graphic design but that’s near impossible with a touch pad. I also need to find a free version of Adobe Photoshop, I hope with a bunch of digging on the internet I can find something; who cares if it’s version 4.0.
I have photoshop on my other windows laptop, but that computer has smoked too many spliffs or something because it’s ridiculously slow and half the keyboard doesn’t work. Plus - it’s annoying as all hell to create designs on there, then have to transfer them to my mac (because I can’t get the damn internet working on it, and I’d like to have all my files organized on one comp).
In fact, I’m also having problems with my keys sticking on this mac as well. You folks might notice my spelling is off these days but that’s because of this.

I’m off tomorrow (YAY) but gotta go in sunday (BOO) so I’m going out tonight to a grind show. I have not been drunk in 7 days (a record) so I’m totally drinking it up tonight. I’ll take $30 with me and leave all the debit cards at home so I don’t end up spending everything and getting completely hammered. This is what all problem drinkers should do, and totally works for me. Just as long as people don’t offer to buy drinks for me, or I don’t ask them too (yes, I’ve asked before whilst belligerent and got what I wanted). I also ate light today so that- along with the beer, I won’t consume a massive amount of calories. Eating over a thousand calories and then going out for a night of drinking and having around 10 beers is BAAAD.

I managed to go to sleep last night around 11, and woke this morning at 8.

YES EIGHT.

I never wake up around this time, unless I’ve been up all night in the first place.
AND I went for a 30 minute walk, haha.

I’m going to head over to a cosmetic store and apply, hopefully it’ll work out but there’s a big chance it won’t. I love makeup and think I’m fairly decent at it, but some of the girls at this store look like damn super models with clown faces. If I were to work there I don’t think I could just have days where I roll out of bed and put my hair up. Well… it’s still worth a shot, and it’s nothing near as bad as MAC stores or Sephora. And it’s a job.

And I dreamt that I went to a haunted house, found a hidden door and it took me to some weirdass opera house full of living dead people dressed up in 1700s style - big dresses, white wigs, etc. They locked me in a dungeon because I was still ‘alive’, and this is were things get hazy. There was some hot dude in it, looked like Brad Pitt from interview from a vampire crossed with some goth guy. I tried using my lucid dreaming to build a relationship with him, but I woke up before anything got going.

Uhm.. yeah. I don’t know where my fucking head goes when I sleep.

Today was rough.

Well. Everyday. Fucking. Sucks.
UGH

I don’t think I’ve left the house in 3 days, or even changed my clothes for that matter. I don’t even remember the last time I’ve showered or put on makeup (well no, I dressed up for VNV Nation a little over a week ago). It’s like life is just this stupid existence and I’m just wasting time (or buying time) by playing video games, watching the discovery channel, and playing with my ferrets. I’ve been falling asleep around 5pm and waking around midnight. I want a job, badly. But nobody is hiring me. I SHOULD be putting 5 applications in each day, but I don’t. I find it hard just to simply roll out of bed, and after being constantly discouraged after every interview or application process, and the call-backs and denials - UGH.

And the sick thing is that this BULLSHIT depression has been going on since I was fucking 14. I think it only stopped when mom and dad put me on drugs when I was 15 - 16. Perhaps I ought to try the whole shrink thing again for 3287281 time and get put back on meds. It’s obviously not some ‘funk’; I don’t think ‘funks’ last 8 years.

I’m not bitching or leaving a suicide note, but I really need to do something. I honestly cannot go on like this, it’s slowly making me batshit crazy. I need to stop disliking the world and myself and have some motivation, stop living in this stupid fear. Hell, I don’t know. It’s so much easier said then done. It’s like I have some kind of retardation in my brain that doesn’t allow me to get off my ass and stop dwelling on life being shitty. When people criticize me for thinking this way, it just makes it worse by further angering me and adding onto my guilt. I feel that nobody understands a damn thing.

If only this whole job thing wasn’t so difficult. A job doesn’t just mean more income, but self-appreciation, a reason to get up everyday and not feel like everyone is against me. It would distract me from thinking so damn much. It would help decrease the ridiculous amount of guilt I have.

I don’t even want to go out anymore, I prefer being alone. Maybe I’m finally getting over the whole ‘party Beth’ mentality and am ready to grow the fuck up. Or maybe I’m scared to go out, scared of judgement and my inability to control my drinking and my actions when I am drunk. I’m also tired of stupid people, I mean - as far as stupidity is concerned I admit I’m probably the queen of bad-choices… but people just annoy me these days. We’re all fucking selfish. I’m tired of assholes who don’t even know me giving me stink eyes, making fun of me, making assumptions. Sheesh. And I know I’m the last person on earth who complicates things by being assertive when it comes to these kinds of folks, if someone doesn’t like me I usually try to talk to them and find a common interest. Maybe because I’ve been picked on a lot, but I know aggressive people are only like that because, they too, are hurting. Eh, I just suck badly with social skills, I didn’t have much friends as a kid. I spent most of my time with horses, I think they are much more tolerable.

I’m going to visit El Paso and my parents in about a month, I’m seriously considering having a discussion about school. I want to go, badly. I need to do something about my future, and with this whole recession and the job market being all jacked up, going to school would probably be a good idea. By the time I get a degree maybe the economy will have fixed itself (or I just tell myself that, but a large part of me thinks it’s just going to get worse). I want to major in vet-tech (pre-vet at West Texas A&M was fucking HARD, but I think being a technician would be a piece of cake).

So yeah. Enough with the ‘woe is me’ bullshit.

……………………………

(I posted this on myspace, and am just cross-posting it onto here…).

So I had a dream the other night that I was in my old elementary school in el paso, having a drink at the water fountain. A chubby little Mexican boy in a suit walked up and wouldn’t stop pestering me, so I sprayed him with water.

He ran off crying, and the next thing that happens is his mariachi dad shows up and chases me, threatening to beat me with his guitarron. He kept yelling at me how I was going to have to pay for that suit - all in spanish, but I don’t know spanish… so I guess I made up some weird spanish-​sounding language for this dream.

I’ve heard that our dreams represent what are deep thoughts are.

Whoever said that doesn’t know what the hell they’re talking about.

I had a nightmare last night that my bf/it’scomplicated died.

I lent him my truck, so he could go to the gas station to buy beer and cigarettes, and he never came back. A few days go by and I notice all his stuff is gone from my room, and my mom is with me (somehow, I’m in my parents house back in El Paso) and she reads an article in the newspaper saying they found a slain man out in the desert inside a chevy silverado (which is my car). I sob my ass off, go crazy, and it was pretty much a terrible gutwretching nightmare.

A couple days go by and there’s another article in the paper saying the name of this person they found and it wasn’t Devin, but someone I don’t even know. The truck wasn’t even mine, I had jumped to conclusions as far as that first article.

So as it turns out, he took all his shit, stole my truck and left. The end. I sobbed even more.

Sheesh. What the hell.

We’re having problems. I’m just sitting around playing Assassin’s Creed because I’m so pissed off at the world, and at least I can kill people on this because otherwise I’d be wanting to in real life.

Every once and a while, my 2 year old male ferret, Maynard, sleeps on the lowest level of the cage right next to the litterbox. This will continue for a couple days, then he’ll be back to sleeping on the 3 floor, where I’ve spent around $100 on hammocks/beds/enclosed pyramid hammock thingers/etc. My female, Indica, never does this. She sleeps in the designated bedroom, not the bathroom where they shit and the floor has no padding but is plastic. It’s weird and I can’t quite figure out why he does this. It’s cool in the room, so he’s not looking for an open area with cool flooring - or maybe he is. Who knows. But you’d think he wouldn’t want to be snoozing right next a box of shit.

And I had a nightmare the other night that I was in some random house out in the middle of nowhere with Devin and two other people, who I don’t know. The place got attacked by monsters and most of the dream consisted of us trying to get out and stabbing these monsters with kitchen knives. At some point, we made it outside and there was a motorcycle, the four of us piled onto it but ended up wrecking the thing in less then a mile. After that it turned into us running through the desert, trying to get away with these weirdass monsters coming after us. I don’t remember much else but I think I woke up at this point.

Who knows what the hell all that means.

Oh and by the way, I failed to mention I had my birthday about 2 weeks ago. I’m 22. Oh joy.
I didn’t even get drunk. Imagine that.

So Which Wich didn’t hire me.

I’m a little bit of a mess (not nearly as bad as ‘07 though). Without a job, I have nothing to do. And when there’s nothing to do, I drink. I’m trying to quit entirely; I went 3 days and then drank last night. I think the only way to have even a small chance at stopping would be to lock myself up in my house and never go out. Being around a bunch of people is impossible without a couple shots.

Ugh.

And I’m having badass dreams once again. For the past week it’s been the most random shit. Last night’s was very weird, at some point I was on the top of my childhood bunk-bed on a cliff and stuck there. It made no sense, it was kind of scary. I also dreamt of ferrets running around everywhere (a common occurrence in my dreams). I love sleeping. I love lucid dreams. I can do anything in them. I can be anyone.

A brief message from Gus’ room…

So I had a weirdass dream last night that I got a Doberman Pincher puppy (what I’ve been infatuated with for a very long time, I think they are badass dogs). He was perfect, black and brown.. ears cropped and tail docked.

Then I get a text at some point of the day from my friend Emily, asking if I wanted a Chihuahua puppy.

Weird. To dream of having a puppy, of the kind I most like.. then to get a text for a Chihuahua that day, a dog I used to own and turned over to my parents years ago (they still have him, his name is Yoda) - the last breed I would like to own again.

For the past several weeks I have been getting the most wacked out dreams, I’d like to post them but their just so weird and detailed I never know where to start.
Last night’s was a zombie invasion, but we were all living on some strange kind of futuristic world. It was like nobody went outside, and the land was like just some kind of giant building we all lived in. The dream was full of blood, screaming… people dying all over the place, lost children, people crying. Lots of running. And towards the end, after all the running, there were a few handful of people left and we were all cornered at the end of this massive building behind a glass wall (I think I was thinking of the scene from “I Am Legend”) and the zombies bust through, I manage to find some kind of tunnel with this girl (who I’ve never met in my life, I must’ve conjured her up somehow) and we get outside. We are right next to the ocean, and there’s these big slide-like structures into it. So with the zombies after us we slide into the water.

I don’t remember the rest but I think I woke up. Then continued another weird-ass dream that was totally different.
I was back in El Paso, and my grandparents were there (first dream I’ve had with them in it since they passed). They had this huge apartment that was probably the size of Notre Dam, and every inch of the walls were lined with books. Then for some reason I left their apartment and started walking down this dirt road next to a pecan orchard, I had my first three ferrets with me… Casey, Patches, and Bo. They were able to communicate with me, and they were all mad that I gave them such stupid names. I remember Casey asking me to call her “Morgan”. We then stumble upon and bunch of ferret leashes, and they all argue over what colors they want.

So I keep walking, and somehow the scenery changes to a creek that’s swelled over it’s banks and I’m walking in the shallow water on the sides, but it’s like a park. Similar to that of Barton Creek in Austin… but still in EL Paso so it’s very barren. The water looks like that of the Rio Grande - brown. People are swimming in it, but like dolphins.
So I’m walking along the bank in these shallow waters and I run into my soccer coach, who looks like he’s about 80 years old and I try to initiate conversation, but he gets mad at me because I’m making him late for the bus.
The rest is just too weird to describe, somewhere in all of that there’s a huge building as tall as the clouds and I ride a zip line from the top to the ground.

In both these dreams my old apartment crew pops up every once in a while, mad at me. So I run away from them. Devin pops up occasionally too, and we hold each other and give kisses, but he kept disappearing. These two circumstances made these dreams somewhat upsetting.

The other night I dreamt I pulled a weed pipe out of my nose. I guess that makes some sense as most illicit drugs are taken through the nose. It was a chillum, all bloody and boogery.

Each night is like an incredible journey pulled out from nowhere, I wonder why it’s been like this for these past few weeks. I love it though, I’m always curious to know what my strange little mind will come up with next.

Shit.

One of my girl friends went through a break up about a week ago, and the guy gave her a letter saying he missed her. I guess this somehow did something to my mind… because last night I had the most realistically detailed dream about my ex giving me a letter of apology and asking for me back.

It was ridiculous, but seemed so damn real that it’s made me all emo today. It’s just a stupid fucking dream but now I’m being an idiot.

It was especially weird because in the letter he said he moved to Buffalo, New York and was apprenticing at a martial arts school. Which is fucking random because he has nothing to do with martial arts or New York. The letter also stated that he was coming into town and wanted me to come back with him because he had his own house. WHAT THE HELL?

Where do I get this shit from?

Then last night I dreamt that I fell in love with a teacher and my (bitch) cousin was in the class and about to narc on us… and it was forbidden at this school to have relations with teachers. It made absolutely NO sense.
I think it also has something to do with one of my friends - because she’s going through a similar event in the “real” world. And I fell asleep to the history channel, so in this dream - while I was in this “class” - the teacher was talking about what I must’ve been hearing on the teevee.

What’s up with these dreams? They’re all “love” related. I DON’T BELIEVE IN FALLING IN LOVE. I’m anti-love.
And then I got piss drunk over the weekend and cried about being lonely.

Ack. No NO NO. I’m NOT going to start wanting ANYONE. This is no bueno….

I had the best dream EVER.

I don’t remember much, but I was thrown into some kind of fantasy world like Middle Earth or Narnia. I was flying over the ocean and beautiful ravines and other various terrain. Wild animals all around, nature everywhere.
Speaking of flying dreams - I’ve been getting a lot lately. I suppose its because I’m tired of all the shit I’m going through here and would love to just get up and leave.

I’m having to put up with other peoples crap lately, and jeezus christ - GROW THE FUCK UP. I HAVE ENOUGH SHIT TO DEAL WITH IN MY LIFE. Argh.

Boys are bat-shit CRAZY.

Finding good, new music is better then finding a man.

I downloaded some new stuff from a band called, Imperative Reaction and I’m damn obsessed. I cannot stop listening to these songs. I also got some more from Covenant and Grendel…
And I was thinking that I’ve found all the good music in the world and had run out of anything new. Ha.

I also finally got around to buying Interview with a Vampire (the movie). I’ve never watched it straight through before, and whoa damn… I will forever have Lestat (Tom Cruise) and Louie (Brad Pitt) fantasies.
Please feel free to bite my neck… seriously, I won’t mind the least bit You’ll even get to do other things as well… heehee.

Then last night I had some crazy dreams, sheesh. My ex was in it, which is a first in months. It was interesting though, the fucker had a broken leg and was trying to be nice and I threw beer bottles at him.

I keep getting the worse nightmares about my ex and it’s been really causing me to stress out and loose sleep. Ugh.

So I’m going to say some things about him that I’ve never spoke on here about before. I can’t hold it all in any longer, and I’ve told everyone else about all the psychotic bullshit (well… not all, I’ll die with several secrets…) he put me through. So this isn’t an instant news flash to those who actually know him.

Matt tortured the ferrets, which is how Aisha died… she lost the will to live and quit eating. And Oi broke his leg because… well, the sick basterd threw him against the wall. He covered it up by saying he dropped him, but about a day later he told me the truth, along with that he has always had problems with torturing small animals.
And just to think, that day I took Oi to the vet and had him put to sleep, I came home and found blood on the walls and bathroom sink, but thought nothing of it.

How could a person….? HOW??

The reason I bring this up is because I’ve had many nightmares the past few weeks of Matt killing the ferrets, very graphic and detailed… like butchering them infront of me, drowning them in the bathtub, throwing them… God.

I never saw what he did to them, but when he told me I started sleeping on the couch, right next to the cage - which was where I slept for those last couple months we lived together. I was the dumb, infatuated little girl who still kept this psychotic looser in my home. He never harmed them again, and I know he didn’t… because Maynard was never abused, I can tell. Indica… she’s getting much better, but still panics when I hold her close to my face and gets upset if she wants to be put down. And once I moved out of that apartment she put on a lot of weight and started playing more. Today, she’s happy. She bounces around just like any normal ferret, attacks my feet and often climbs up on the couch as I’m sitting on it, and likes to be in my lap. I’m sure there’s still pain from her past… and just like me, she survived that psycho’s wrath.

Matt also cheated on me several times, stole my property for drug money… would beg me… using his manipulation skills (”I love you so much, YADA YADA YADA…”) to buy him drugs, steal money or my debit/credit cards from my purse, steal my car… all for the sake of drugs. He’d invite looser, asshole, drug addicts to my home (even when I was trying to stay clean) after I’d beg him not to let them come over. And they too, stole a lot of my property.

I even called the damn cops on him the second time I threw him out, because the first time he broke the door frame.

He only lived with me and pretended to love me because… of free drugs, and free food and shelter.

And for last half of the relationship, I knew it, I knew what was going on… but I put myself in denial. I figured that if he could pretend to love me, I could pretend that everything was okay. I was also very much under the influence of drugs for the first half of our relationship, and it wasn’t until I went clean that I realized what the hell was going on.

And it doesn’t end just there. But I’ll keep the rest silent.

The reasons for this post… I have been single, and clean for 7 months. And I am still plagued by all the bullshit that happened when that piece-of-shit-little-boy was in my life and the people I was associating with during that time (but MOSTLY him).

Never again could a trust a person. It’s still hard to fathom how people can be so immoral, selfish… how can someone go through like with no empathy? I just don’t understand it.

Mattew Stephan Schroeder. I will throw a party the day you die, because there’s one less worthless person out there, one less harming others. Psychotic master manipulator who hunts on the naive.

My anxiety levels aren’t quite as bad as before, but not a day goes by that I feel guilty for putting myself through all that hell… Everyday I feel like I’m going to loose my mind. And I think I have somewhat…
I’m scared. I’m always, always… paranoid, and scared. I’m so fucking tired of worrying about everything. Where did my inner-peace go?

Why can’t I just let it all go? I learned from it, but it was just all so traumatic, especially for a person like me who has never faced much difficulty in my life.

Tonight, I’ve decided… I’m going to take that first step, and try my damn hardest to live on without letting that past torment me. And now with the knowledge I have, I will never let myself go down that path ever again.

I’ve also made many new friends, who are GOOD people. Just the kind from home, and I love them all. I love being with safe, considerate people. I feel blessed to have met them.

It’s been awhile since I’ve had a weird one like what I went through last night.

I can’t really recall how it started, but I think I was hanging out at one of my younger guy-friend’s house and found a photo of a model with strange, tacky, sunglasses on. Like the kind Elton John would wear during his performances.
Somehow I came in contact with Gwen Stefani (from No Doubt) and told her I was an expert at creating fashionable sunglasses, and would be glad to make some for her if she were to pay me. I lied, and knew I did… I wanted money, and she was ready to pay me a huge amount.
So… I end up sneaking into this guy-friend’s house and stealing the photo, and while I’m in his house there’s about 5 naked girls lying around, but he was not there. One of the girls woke up and started chasing me, thinking I was some kind of burglar. I somehow managed to escape with the photo, and went home and copied the model’s sunglasses and sold them to Gwen.
Then I see this guy-friend again and he has no idea that I broke into his home and stole the photo, and he’s got horrible acne, glasses, and is obese… when he’s actually a decent looking guy. It’s a person I know and hang out with occasionally, and he’s somewhat attractive, but just a “little brother” kind of guy to me. Why he was even in my dream and appeared very differently makes no sense to me.

Uhm… wtf?
Most of the time I’m able to decode my dreams because they are usually a distorted perception of what I’m going through during the time I have them… but this one… huh? What the hell?

I certainly won’t forget this one for a while.