BethTrippin.com

Well, it appears that the dns server switch did not affect this pages’ view ability. Good. Thank god.

But, better yet - my mac won’t boot up! YAY FOR ME! Everything is just fucking peachy!

When I turn it on, it just stays on it’s blue load-up screen. I’ve removed the battery, cleaned it, let it sit on charge for several hours… everything. And it’s still being a chut. ARGH.
I don’t want to think about it. If I lose everything on there…

ANYWAYS. Before I break something -

El Paso was marvelous. I also went to Cloudcroft New Mexico, which was also marvelous (being that it was 55 degrees there).
The first night in my hometown kind of sucked. It was nice seeing everyone, but for some weird reason Sunshine is now friends with some retards and they pretty much made things shitty. You would think these guys have never seen women, or alcohol before - and they’re mothers must have done a crapass job raising them. I ultimately ended up kicking one of them in the face the following day, hell… he deserved it. I’m only mad at myself for not kicking him harder…grr. I’m not a fucking object and if your not going to listen to me I’m going to get my point across no matter what. So don’t put your goddamn hands on me you disgusting air force pervert. Some men need to be castrated (no, ALL).

The second night was much better, I saw an old friend whom I haven’t seen in years. I got pretty sloshed at the bar and then we went to Zee’s house - which fucking sucked. It was techno music with a bunch of rolling coked out morons all around the age of 16. Yes… I used to do the same thing, but now looking back.. man I was such an idiot.

The third night was much better. We went to a karaoke bar, just us four girls. We ended up running into old friends there, went to their apartment.. shot the shit and had more drinks, and passed out on her couch. The karaoke bar was awesome, especially fat dudes who sing and dance and actually make funny jokes that everyone laughs at.
AND!… I saw my first crush there, hahaha. About 11 years later, and he’s overweight and balding!!! AWESOME. He was such an asshole to me, I’ll never forget the night I called him whilst at a slumber party and he asked me if I started my period yet. I tell you, that ruined my entire future. I’ve hated guys ever since.

It was also nice seeing my folks. Dad is doing great, apparently that operation in Phoenix was exactly what he needed.

I also bought a ‘Wired’ magazine and read it the whole flight back, I’m surprised that I’ve never read these before. I really liked it, and so I ordered a subscription. I need to start learning new things because I find myself getting stupider.

I work tomorrow at 6am. I’m cranky as fuck. I’m hungover. God damn my life. Back to dieting and alcohol portioning. And my computer is busted. I’m also suffering badly from Fallout 3 withdrawls.. I’ve already got the ps3 booted and I’m sitting right in front of it ready to kick some mutant ass.

I keep getting the worse nightmares about my ex and it’s been really causing me to stress out and loose sleep. Ugh.

So I’m going to say some things about him that I’ve never spoke on here about before. I can’t hold it all in any longer, and I’ve told everyone else about all the psychotic bullshit (well… not all, I’ll die with several secrets…) he put me through. So this isn’t an instant news flash to those who actually know him.

Matt tortured the ferrets, which is how Aisha died… she lost the will to live and quit eating. And Oi broke his leg because… well, the sick basterd threw him against the wall. He covered it up by saying he dropped him, but about a day later he told me the truth, along with that he has always had problems with torturing small animals.
And just to think, that day I took Oi to the vet and had him put to sleep, I came home and found blood on the walls and bathroom sink, but thought nothing of it.

How could a person….? HOW??

The reason I bring this up is because I’ve had many nightmares the past few weeks of Matt killing the ferrets, very graphic and detailed… like butchering them infront of me, drowning them in the bathtub, throwing them… God.

I never saw what he did to them, but when he told me I started sleeping on the couch, right next to the cage - which was where I slept for those last couple months we lived together. I was the dumb, infatuated little girl who still kept this psychotic looser in my home. He never harmed them again, and I know he didn’t… because Maynard was never abused, I can tell. Indica… she’s getting much better, but still panics when I hold her close to my face and gets upset if she wants to be put down. And once I moved out of that apartment she put on a lot of weight and started playing more. Today, she’s happy. She bounces around just like any normal ferret, attacks my feet and often climbs up on the couch as I’m sitting on it, and likes to be in my lap. I’m sure there’s still pain from her past… and just like me, she survived that psycho’s wrath.

Matt also cheated on me several times, stole my property for drug money… would beg me… using his manipulation skills (”I love you so much, YADA YADA YADA…”) to buy him drugs, steal money or my debit/credit cards from my purse, steal my car… all for the sake of drugs. He’d invite looser, asshole, drug addicts to my home (even when I was trying to stay clean) after I’d beg him not to let them come over. And they too, stole a lot of my property.

I even called the damn cops on him the second time I threw him out, because the first time he broke the door frame.

He only lived with me and pretended to love me because… of free drugs, and free food and shelter.

And for last half of the relationship, I knew it, I knew what was going on… but I put myself in denial. I figured that if he could pretend to love me, I could pretend that everything was okay. I was also very much under the influence of drugs for the first half of our relationship, and it wasn’t until I went clean that I realized what the hell was going on.

And it doesn’t end just there. But I’ll keep the rest silent.

The reasons for this post… I have been single, and clean for 7 months. And I am still plagued by all the bullshit that happened when that piece-of-shit-little-boy was in my life and the people I was associating with during that time (but MOSTLY him).

Never again could a trust a person. It’s still hard to fathom how people can be so immoral, selfish… how can someone go through like with no empathy? I just don’t understand it.

Mattew Stephan Schroeder. I will throw a party the day you die, because there’s one less worthless person out there, one less harming others. Psychotic master manipulator who hunts on the naive.

My anxiety levels aren’t quite as bad as before, but not a day goes by that I feel guilty for putting myself through all that hell… Everyday I feel like I’m going to loose my mind. And I think I have somewhat…
I’m scared. I’m always, always… paranoid, and scared. I’m so fucking tired of worrying about everything. Where did my inner-peace go?

Why can’t I just let it all go? I learned from it, but it was just all so traumatic, especially for a person like me who has never faced much difficulty in my life.

Tonight, I’ve decided… I’m going to take that first step, and try my damn hardest to live on without letting that past torment me. And now with the knowledge I have, I will never let myself go down that path ever again.

I’ve also made many new friends, who are GOOD people. Just the kind from home, and I love them all. I love being with safe, considerate people. I feel blessed to have met them.

… was awesome.

I went with my girl friend to a metal show on Friday, which is always loads of fun. Being in the middle of many sweaty bodies might seem disgusting, but when at a show it’s one of the most exciting places to be. Throwing my hands and head everywhere is one of the top stress-relievers.

My dumbass parked the truck on an unpaved hill. Right next to a wall. I questioned it when I arrived but there was no place else to park - so I took my chances. As we left, the truck got stuck. My tires kept spinning and it wasn’t getting anywhere, except inching closer to the wall.
So here I am with a bunch of drunk people, my car against a wall and not able to move. But we somehow managed to get it out with rocking her back and forth. What strikes me funny is how there were people pushing her, shouting to me what to do, and Britney and Robby are sitting in the bed talking like they were sitting at a dinner table (she was too intoxicated to do anything, and being in the bed is probably the safest place for her to be). Haha.

And last night a bunch of people came over and we drank ourselves into absolute craziness. I’ve seen a lot in my life whilst among a bunch of drunken people, but last night was one of the most interesting nights of my life. We played spin the bottle, except converted it into a drinking truth-or-dare game. As time went on we changed it into just dares, since we kept running out of questions for those who were saying truth.

Austin ended up in my black thong, Brandon had my underwear on his head and nothing on but a sock on his junk, Toast had Paula’s bra on his head and they switched clothing, Amanda’s top was off, and I - well… heh.
Things got even MORE crazier after that.

And my disgusting ex kept calling and I did a pretty good job ignoring it, but after a bottle of wine and 5 beers I eventually answered as I was getting very annoyed. The voice on the other side was that of a 14 year old he hangs out, and a bunch of drunken people in the background. He called me fat and said a few other things, but I found it all so humorous.

What I don’t understand is how my ex is mad at me when he’s the one with bad issues. I mean - dude… I was the one lied too, cheated on, used for drug money and a place for him to stay at, and well… one day I’ll say the rest when it all blows over. But there’s a lot of really messed up stuff about Matt that he did to me, to others, and to himself. I had to seek a damn counselor after we broke up. I’m still in disbelief that a person could be so immoral and cruel to others.
He never keeps friendships for more then severals months, so with time he’ll be gone… or in jail, or dead from an overdose. I’ve talked to his past “friends” and they sure did share some interesting things. But I know I’m not the ignorant one anymore.

Each day is getting better for me, I enjoy being with good people. I can feel the past Beth coming back, I will always have trust issues… but no longer to the point of where it effects my life.

I’ve also become a VNV Nation addict. Ronan Harris is a lyrical genius. I have spent so many hours crying (sober and drunk) to his music. I’m going to share some…

Arclight
At first light lay proud foundations.
Sense the greatness that before you unfolds.
Seek no more for hollow answers.
Answers that lay within you all along.
Farewell to dawns seen through saddened eyes.
Farewell to pasts to sorrows chained.
Forget your fears.
You will have everything.
You will be strong and want no more.
You’ll be adored.
You will have everything.
Forget your fears and want no more

- I’ve also started browsing Songmeanings.net often. I like reading others’ opinions of lyrics. For this song, some mentioned how it’s about death (being that the arclight is what they say you see right after you’ve passed) or a message to newly born. I see it as a positive song, saying that things will always get better.

Savior
As the stars appear I know I’ll find you staring at the sky.
Pointlessly reaching for some light
You hope to guide your sorry way.
Your body bleeding.
Your body burned.
Your body scarred.
Around the cinder of your heart

You seek a God to stand above you,
wrapping healing arms around you.
You’ll find another God of pain,
a God of suffering and tears.
Give yourself unto your God.
Sacrifice yourself again.
Burn your thoughts erase your will to Gods of suffering and tears.
Tie hallowed bonds around your hands.
Kneel before this seat of shame to Gods as lost,
Gods as blind, Gods of suffering and pain.

- Don’t look to God to help you, look in yourself.

Legion
Enveloped in a sentiment, a sound that rushes over me.
Engage an impulse to pretend I have a faith as pure.
Not forgetting what it means to dream.
Indulging everything.
Entertaining thoughts that I’ve the strength of those I yearn to be.
Cheers and tribute greet the saviours.
Reckless thoughts survive.
Anachronistic and impulsive.
And what will happen?
Will I dream?
I am too scared to close my eyes.
For a second please hold me.
None can change in me these things that I believe.
But I don’t know what happens now.
I am too scared to close my eyes.

- When we die - Heaven? Does it exist? Or do we just dream endlessly? Or are we nothing?

I cannot stop listening to this music. Those three songs are the best ones; but there’s a lot of others that are great. VNV Nation, along with Assemblage 23, have supported me so much. Just as Nine Inch Nails did (and still do).

I’m 20 years old.

Been to college twice (a University and then Community), dropped out both times.

Have never held a job longer then 5 months.

Been medically diagnosed with depression for the past 6 years.

Am STILL recovering from heavy drugs and an abusive relationship.

Every day, my mind screams: “FUCK UP!“.

I know this sounds very extreme, and may seem as a cry for help… but I don’t need any help. I get it, and yet it’s still never enough…
But if I had no family, no friends…. I see no reason for existing anymore.

I am so tired of this stress, this anxiety, EVERYTHING.
All I can do is surround myself with my pets, friends, and alcohol.

I just watch Discovery Health about people with AIDS and Cancer to reassure myself that things could always be worse.

When I am upset, sick of my life, my fucked up relationship with Matt, the death of Adam, my guilt, my self-hatred… my loneliness, I listen to Assemblage 23. And others… music is a huge relief.

Assemblage 23 - Anthem

We are born of stone
And etched by wind
Cast aside to live or die
We are the pawns in our own game

Like refugees
Of silent wars
We step on ever-shifting ground
Promoting what we undermine

For countless days
We walked alone
Directionless and vulnerable
Sitting targets wearing smiles

No one of us will go unscathed
By private battles we have braved
A vicious circle we have built
Constructed from our shame and guilt

The flags we wave
Are set afire
To warm the bones of infant dreams
Even as our present is set ablaze

The tinderbox
We sit upon
Decays in churning mists of fog
And crumbles down into the sea

No one of us will go unscathed
By private battles we have braved
A vicious circle we have built
Constructed from our shame and guilt

We lie embraced
In the arms of dawn
The fading echoes of pointless time
Statuettes of Ignorance

And even as
The clock hand sweeps
We pay no mind to where we are
Surely we’re not allowed to die

No one of us will go unscathed
By private battles we have braved
A vicious circle we have built
Constructed from our shame and guilt

He’s back.

He called, I caved-in. I hung out with him.

Wtf am I doing?! WHAT AM I DOING!!?

And why the fuck are you calling me?! Stop the mind games, it isn’t cool!
I know I’m desirable (yes, that was a bold, confident statement…), but your only calling me because there’s some kind of evil scheme to this. There has to be.

And I’m so fucking retarded; I wish I could just say go away!

I’m so broken.

Change of subject-

Adam’s (Yoyo) father died recently. I don’t know how, but they found him in his bed. Very sad. Got us pissed off more at those lowlife shits who murdered Adam, because they didn’t just kill one person now, but two.

Stayed the night in my new apartment. I love it here.

The ferrets sneezed, the icer clanked, the heater kicked on, and the toliet made weird sounds and I didn’t think I was going to die, not once. I slept with the lights and television off, and finally was comfortable (mentally… although lying on a mat on the floor was shitty). And it was my second night of refraining myself my drinking.

Tommorrow my sister is helping me get the couch, and I’m cleaning the old place (disgusting mess) and I’ll give it the finger and spit on the door when I leave. That place was nothing but hell for me. Of course, I created that hell, and it will never happen again. It taught me a huge lesson I’ll never forget.

After quite a while I feel safe in my own home and content with myself. I can just feel the anxiety draining from me. I just hope none of those shitty people find me here, but they shouldn’t…

Speaking of shitty people, one of the guys who broke into my old place and stole $2,500 worth of stuff called me the other day, wanting to meet me for coffee and have a talk.
Uhm.. no. I know he’s just going to try to get my sympathy, but I’m stone. I don’t care if you and your idiot friends have felonies, but if your going to be a criminal you could atleast not be stupid enough to get caught. I’m not a retard, I knew exactly where you all took my stuff… I think that’s why it’s best not to steal from someone who knows you.. eh? Actually, don’t steal in the first place.
I kind of want to hear from him though, not face to face because who knows if it’s some kind of set up (these people are pychotic). But I want to know if there’s any other information, such as if there’s some kind of conspiracy with my ex. It’s probabley nothing, but it’s odd how my place was broken into the first night I saw him in weeks, it’s like the thieves knew I’d be gone for several hours. And some other things are fishy.. some of my investigating led to lies… phone numbers and whatnot. But as I said before it’s probabley nothing.

I should be a detective.. I found my stolen property from the burgulary, my truck when it was stolen, and other minor things people had done behind my back. Sometimes I get caught up trying to fit pieces together and get a little over my head. But what it all really comes down to is that I’m never hanging out with shitty people again. That was my mistake.

Well, I have no desire to be a detective, but I think I could be good at it.

I LOVE MY NEW APARTMENT.

Yes - I’m still alive.

So I was sitting on the toilet and thinking about the latest events, and come to think of it, the past several weeks have been completely drama-free. For the first time since March of this year I finally am not going through tons of bullshit, by others, or myself. I’m still quite overemotional, and now I over analysis everything (even more then I did before). I watch my back, am careful around people I’m unfamiliar with, even stopped communicating with some simply because they are morons. Now that I’ve learned that moronic tendencies rub off on me.

The world is sketchy to me now. I used to meet people, make fast, easy friendships and do anything according to their whim. I’d trust them with everything, and now I’m completely the opposite. Many people suck. I now have this belief that everyone I meet is shitty until they can prove to me they are worth my time and effort.

This year had it’s benefits, in teaching me the ways of cruel people and I’ve grown more then I have in my entire life. But it’s also left me very closed minded, shut out, and unable to make new relationships with anyone. If I had no friends or family, and if nobody cared about me, I often wish I would have been shot before things got as bad as they did.

I’ve not once been called a bitch in my entire life, and I’m actually craving for someone to call me one now.

I often have to channel all the past bad shit out of my mind, because when I think of how I was so screwed over by so many people I get so enraged and saddened. Sometimes I just want to drive into incoming traffic; it’s just such a downer to know that people could have had so much effect on me and how fucking dumb I was.

I’m still dumb, but I’m working on diminishing that…

So my New Years resolution… (which I never make, I think they are meant to be broken, but this one is for sure) is not only to loose weight, but to only accept people who are worth my time.
And to not let some boy get a hold of me.. (which I don’t have to worry about because I’m so messed up from the past relationship I don’t want to even think of a penis ever again). There are NO men out there, just little boys. I’m giving up my quest for some time until I’m capable of going back there again. Well, at the moment, I don’t see any quest in my future at all. I have a vibrator (well, a back messager from Sharper Image).

If I decide to try to meet a guy again, It will be in school.. because he’ll have to be there as well, be close to his family, have a career goal… dress sexy and not like a damn bum. And certainly NOT BE A DRUG ADDICT. I’ll never go there again, my god what a living nightmare.

I’m going to work - because I love to work where I’m at… and get my ass back to school (for the third time since I’ve been out of High School) and actually get a degree and GRADUATE. I’m not going through life with just a high school diploma.

The only battle at this moment are my emotions, and I must try not to get so deep with my psychological problems.

As for Christmas, how was everyone’s? Mine was quite all right, very weird being that it was spent here, and not in my hometown. It’s the first one I’ve ever had without Grandma, and I’ve even shed tears about it. Never again will I be opening my gifts at her house…

I got a couple of those “WTF?” kinds of gifts we all get. Including a $25 gift card to Pottery Barn… which yes, I’m thankful for… but what am I going to get? A candle? And then a $50 gift card to Abercrombie and Fitch… which is a store I’ve never bought anything from in my life (except when I got a pair of pants when I was like, 12). I bought a jacket with it, that was on clearance… and $90. $90 on clearance… god damn. So my $50 Visa gift card also went to that (and some food).

It’s a very nice jacket, I actually sleep with it because I love it so much, however, my fatass barely fits. I can zip it up, but then I wouldn’t be able to move my arms or inhale deeply.
Another reason to loose weight.

I hope someone calls tonight, there’s no chance in hell I’m staying in on the New Years, even though I’m working tomorrow.

Oh - and another important step in my starting over, I’m moving out, to a new apartment in less then a week. For the first time in a while I can feel secure in my own home, officially get away from those shitty people, and not be in a place full of horrible memories of what I did to myself, and what people had done to me. Walking around in this place is nothing but a haunting of the things that tore me apart. Every knock on the door, or slight sound from outside increases my paranoia that something bad will happen. Each time I walk in through my front door a hold my breathe and quickly glance around in making sure that nobody had broken in and stolen my things while I was away, and soon it will all be over. Home will be a safe place for me once again.

And then the next step will be changing my number.

Followed by the most final, and most difficult thing I have yet to do… stop talking to him. But I can’t do that quite yet, it’s simply because I’m dumb.

I’m so fucking pissed.

I can’t believe I love someone so much and at the same time hate them more then I can handle. He’s a damned poison in my heart that there is no antidote for. I wish the whole world would just blow up right now because I’m so tired of having to deal with my emotions. For the past several months I have never been full of so much hate and despair.

He has 1000 masks, a complete fake who puts on many different characters to have acceptance. It’s so disgusting, and what makes it even more sickening is that I care about him so much. Why am I wasting so much energy on someone who doesn’t care about me? A stupid little boy. I just wish I could erase him from my mind just as he’s done to me. I have never had to deal with so much pressure on my heart and it hurts so much. Why the fuck do I love you? What the fuck is wrong with me? Is my confidence really so bad that I have to stoop to the level of not being able to stop loving this looser?

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I know this is selfish, but I’m a great person with a beautiful personality. I’ve never cheated on or lied to a person I cared for in my entire life. I have not once hurt anyone, and now I’m getting so much shit for being a good person. Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I let myself get so emotionally attached to people who don’t give a flying fuck about me? Why do I continue to waste my time with them? Why? WHY? WHY?

Why don’t you care about me? Why don’t you love me? Why am I so unlovable?

I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

FUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK YYYOOOOUUU.

Chrome, by VNV Nation

A million faces, each a million lies
for each and all a chrome disguise
prompts for action, force reaction
embody promise in a sheen so pure.
Hurt, the measure of blind ambition,
the testament to your singular disease.
Against all wisdom you heed no warning,
your desires giving you away.

As night descends upon the city,
the streets are cold, the lights go by.
And in the stories of the people,
a million faces, a million lies.
They’ll never say they feel what you feel,
that they can see the world you see.
And in their faces, their expressions,
a million faces, a million lies.

I cannot stop listening to this. The beat is perfect, and the singer may have a monotone voice but the words are still fucking amazing. I love it.

Yesterday was very eventful.

So I get home after spending about 3 hours in Denton to discover someone had broken into my apartment via the back door. I walk in (dumb move, the thieves could’ve still been in there) and all my shit is missing… I mean, Everything. Thousands of dollars worth of stuff, all electronics.
I call up all the Movie Trading Companies in the area and give them a description of my Playstation 2, the games, and the movies (I have a Zelda sticker on the PS2). They tell me they’ll call me back if they get anyone with my shit.

I then call the police, and shortly thereafter an officer arrives at my place. I’m in the middle of telling him what all had happened and making a list of all my stolen property when he gets a call from his comrades down at The Movie Trading Company. He gets my number and heads to the store, telling me he’ll call if they find anything resembling my belongings.
Another 10 minutes go by and I recieve a call, and it’s the same officer asking me to come to the store and identify my things.

I’m pulling up to the store and the first thing I notice is Brandon’s car, and he’s sitting on the curb next to John. All my shit is in his car, some on the sidewalk. So they get arrested and they’re looking at a class 2 felony, which is equivalent to attempt of murder. Haha! However, the sick thing is that they’ll probabley be proud of it, and brag, and call themselves thugs and whatnot. But I want them to spend the rest of their lives with that on their record, so they will forever be known as felons.

HOW FUCKING RETARDED CAN A PERSON BE? I’m sure the smart thing to do after breaking into someone’s home and stealing everything is to go hide the property, not drive around with everything in the fuckin backseat while your trying to pawn it at a store only 5 minutes away!!! FUCKING DUMBASSES! And I know they’re all drugged up because that’s all they do, their a bunch of children. I’m sure Brandon has serious anger issues and is absent of any form of maturity, and when I got in an argument with him weeks ago he felt the need to strike back at me… and in their eyes, get money so they can get their crack, coke, xanax, ice, whatever…

I’m pissed beyond belief. I’m pressing charges, no matter if it costs money. They are going down. THEY BROKE INTO MY HOME, MY FUCKIN HOME!!! What loosers! If they need drug money so damn badly then why don’t they work for it like a decent, productive human being?!

And I’ve finally got rid of all of them because they were dragging me down, and their stupidness was rubbing off on me… and yet they just don’t go away! If there is any form of retaliation I swear, it’ll be all out war. I can make their lives a living hell. I now know how to protect myself. Their too fucked up on drugs and stupid to get what they want. I’ve been through enough bullshit this whole year and now I am like a stone. I want the rest of their posse of idiots to know that I’m smarter then them, and will take them all out if they dare interfer with my life. My life, that is now finally back on track and smooth. And it will remain this way. I will never return to that person I was for all those months. Never.

It’s just like the whole situation with my truck, when Joey stole it the cops did nothing. I found it. I went in and made millions of calls and did a good amount of detective work and found the damn thing.

They just need to throw all kids such as themselves onto an island with no food or fresh water and let them die. They’re useless.

Being on the topic of psychotic idiot children… Joe wasn’t found guilty for Yoyo’s death. They only got him for tampering with evidence, and he got a 6 year sentence. I’m furious about this. That’s not justice. But I don’t know what happened that night, so I can’t really say much about the subject. All I know is that Yoyo should still be alive today.

Readers, we are among a world of morons.

Sunshine testified in court for Adam’s murder. She said she saw Joe… damn. I don’t think I’d be able to do that without making an attempt to beat the shit out of him… infront of a judge or not.

I just hope he and Alf get the most maximum penalty possible. I know drugs played a large role, but it doesn’t matter. There is no justifiction in the killing of another person. None. Whether your on Xanax and driving and mow a pedestrian down and not remember, or your on acid and think someone’s trying to kill you… you took the drugs in the first place so your held reliable for your actions. There’s a small sense of pity for those morons in the back of my head for what happened that night, but I was not there and I often think that if only I was… if I could have been, I could have changed things.

I’m drunk. By the way. Ha. It’s a lot easier for me to be open about things now that Matt’s gone.. I’m back to my normal self, not high… not filtering my life any longer. But the alcohol is the only thing… God damn, I wish I could control it, but right now I can’t. I would rather live the rest of my days with alcohol then food. But it is a step up from what I used to be. Eventually I will find a way to ween myself off of this, just like I did off the other horrible things that should have taken me down like it does to most.

Becides the alcohol, I’ve been clean for about 5 weeks now. I’m very proud of that, since I was very much into stuff that really takes a hold of some people. But I’m not like those idiots. I want that light at the end of that tunnel.

Although my bridges burned badly, now I’m busy reconstructing them and well on the way to achieving that. I have a job, I start tomorrow. I’m going to be the best at it. I will work my ass off, I will become productive. I’m going to make some MONEY!

There are still some unfinished business to take care off, however.

And then the plaguing need for Matt. I get these wierd Matt-relapses. Mostly late at night, alone, I get inside my head and think about the way he held me.. the way he would talk to me. But it was all lies. None of it was true, he was just a damn con artist.

I know I’m only 20 years young, but I want to find that one person who makes me happy and supports me. I dream of getting married. Owning a dog and having picket white fencing. Commitment is not an issue for me, I just can never find that one person who feels the same. God dammit. And now I know, I see the repetitive nature I take in my dating… men (boys) with bad backgrounds. I used to see it as a challenge, like I could perhaps change them, save them, support them… but now I’m going to find the right person who isn’t a battle.. who doesn’t need to be changed.

I’m rambling.

There will be positive change, there already is.

I just miss holding that special someone during the night. Now I’m alone, holding my pillow, imagining to be that someone who is now non-existant. But when I find him he will be perfect, because I will no longer settle for less.

I love you Adam, may justice privail. You deserve it. Let them all rot, for taking such a wonderful person such as yourself.

Why couldn’t they just take me? Why not me?!

I’m drunk.

Dun dun duuuuuun…..

I miss him so much. God dammit.

I need you. right now. now. now nownownownownonwonwonwonwonwownow

I’m so alone here, in this shit apartment.

Where the hell are you?!

Made a big mistake and got drunk, went to Denton and found Matt yesterday morning. Stupid. Stupid. I pretty much went crazy yesterday. Now I know for sure not to drink alone.

I’m watching Willard. For such a lame movie I love it. Haha. Crispin Glover is so sexy in a weird way.

Made an appointment to see a counselor. For the first time in my life I’m actually quite excited to see a counselor.

I kicked him out. I called the goddamned police.

This all went down yesterday. I haven’t been able to do shit except lay around crying. I feel like shit. I haven’t ate shit. I haven’t slept worth shit. I’m lonelier then shit.

But thanks to those helping me through this, some people do care.

But at the same time I am so damn proud of myself. I’ve lived and learned to never trust anyone ever again.

I will take care of my life now. It sounds selfish, but I can finally take care of my own goddamned piece of shit I call my life.