BethTrippin.com

Yeah I’m alive.
… Whether that’s good or bad; I’m unsure.

A lot has happened, lost another job, met a guy (no idea where that’s going but I’m just taking it as it comes - after all; men = greatness, then quickly followed by hell and further loneliness). Been going to many punk/metal shows, denounced 4 people as friends in the past month (3 of which because drugs and I’m not going to see them go down like so many others; and I’ve been there, lost my first two apartments because of that and much of my sanity) and another because of that guy I mentioned previously (makes no sense; she’s just crazy).

I’ve been drunk for the past 4 years or so but it comes in phases, and the past 3 months has literally been nonstop. I mean, I do manage not to drink during the day, but once 6pm comes around I get very shaky and antsy and that leads me to a drink, then to another, and about 10 more following that. Otherwise I just get jumpy, my vision slightly looses itself; and forget trying to sleep, the paralysis gets horrendous.
The drama involving several folks has pretty much set me in a bad mind-set and my depression is kicking in again. Or, well. I think I’m always depressed. I just like to try to keep myself distracted.
I’ve also had a bad habit these past many months of not going home. I go out, and pretty much couch surf between multiple friend’s apartments and get drunk as piss night after night. I hate coming home, it just makes me feel guilty to be sitting in my sister’s house because I cannot get my life together. I also hate the fact that when my parents come in town I feel like I’m of no importance - and sure, it is my fault, I’ve always ben a very complicated child. But as of now, I almost feel no bond with my family (besides my sister, whom I feel is slowly getting tired of putting up with me).

Hell. Fuck it. It could always be worse. That’s my life motto. Has been for many years. And when I do come home, I enjoy lying on my floor playing with the ferrets.

Damn, who woulda thought vodka and mango V8 Splash was a damn good combination.

If someone could just create a tele-porter; please contact me. I’m interested in being a guinea pig. Send me to an uninhabited island with nothing but horses and rolling hills with rocky cliffs and waterfalls.

Oh and I just remembered to mention, I got a letter in the mail today with was rather humorous. Texas has this whole ‘Don’t Mess with Texas’ campaign; which… previously… thought it was just some random road-signs that tax payers paid for. BUT - this letter I received had a notice saying that I was witnessed throwing a cigarette butt out of my car on October 5th 2009 at 7am and a civilian turned me in. The letter even has my plate number on it, make and model of my car, and the location of which this occurred at.
What boggles my mind is the fact that some dumbass tree-hugging hippie would go as far as to call the ‘Report a Litterer’ program for a mother fucking cigarette butt. Ridiculous.

Move to an Indian slum. Then call ‘Report a Litterer’ and see how many laughs you get. Jesus Christ. The letter they sent me probably used just as much resources as a fucking cig butt that’ll bio-degenerate in 10 years anyway.

People are so fucking retarded. All they want to do is start problems. There’s such a select few who actually care and want to have a good time.

Well, it appears that the dns server switch did not affect this pages’ view ability. Good. Thank god.

But, better yet - my mac won’t boot up! YAY FOR ME! Everything is just fucking peachy!

When I turn it on, it just stays on it’s blue load-up screen. I’ve removed the battery, cleaned it, let it sit on charge for several hours… everything. And it’s still being a chut. ARGH.
I don’t want to think about it. If I lose everything on there…

ANYWAYS. Before I break something -

El Paso was marvelous. I also went to Cloudcroft New Mexico, which was also marvelous (being that it was 55 degrees there).
The first night in my hometown kind of sucked. It was nice seeing everyone, but for some weird reason Sunshine is now friends with some retards and they pretty much made things shitty. You would think these guys have never seen women, or alcohol before - and they’re mothers must have done a crapass job raising them. I ultimately ended up kicking one of them in the face the following day, hell… he deserved it. I’m only mad at myself for not kicking him harder…grr. I’m not a fucking object and if your not going to listen to me I’m going to get my point across no matter what. So don’t put your goddamn hands on me you disgusting air force pervert. Some men need to be castrated (no, ALL).

The second night was much better, I saw an old friend whom I haven’t seen in years. I got pretty sloshed at the bar and then we went to Zee’s house - which fucking sucked. It was techno music with a bunch of rolling coked out morons all around the age of 16. Yes… I used to do the same thing, but now looking back.. man I was such an idiot.

The third night was much better. We went to a karaoke bar, just us four girls. We ended up running into old friends there, went to their apartment.. shot the shit and had more drinks, and passed out on her couch. The karaoke bar was awesome, especially fat dudes who sing and dance and actually make funny jokes that everyone laughs at.
AND!… I saw my first crush there, hahaha. About 11 years later, and he’s overweight and balding!!! AWESOME. He was such an asshole to me, I’ll never forget the night I called him whilst at a slumber party and he asked me if I started my period yet. I tell you, that ruined my entire future. I’ve hated guys ever since.

It was also nice seeing my folks. Dad is doing great, apparently that operation in Phoenix was exactly what he needed.

I also bought a ‘Wired’ magazine and read it the whole flight back, I’m surprised that I’ve never read these before. I really liked it, and so I ordered a subscription. I need to start learning new things because I find myself getting stupider.

I work tomorrow at 6am. I’m cranky as fuck. I’m hungover. God damn my life. Back to dieting and alcohol portioning. And my computer is busted. I’m also suffering badly from Fallout 3 withdrawls.. I’ve already got the ps3 booted and I’m sitting right in front of it ready to kick some mutant ass.

Mom took me shopping for the wedding, against my wishes. We went to a posh mall in Dallas, I couldn’t find jack shit and getting frustrated about it. I was going to get black pants and some kind of black top, paired with a scarf or something. We hit up the Gap, ugh.

Then we go to Anthropologie, which is ridiculously over-priced and I cannot believe how they get away with fucking people over to that extent. I’m wondering around looking at everything (bad mood settling in)… then I look straight ahead, and there’s this black dress. She glowed. She’s ruffly and simple, made of cotton. I try her on, doesn’t fit, try on another, doesn’t fit. Try on the NEXT size up - barely fits. We ask for the NEXT fucking size, they don’t have it.

It was THE dress. I had to have it. Got it. Can’t breathe in it, but whatever. It’s my damn amazonian/swimmer sized shoulders and rip cage.

I haven’t owned/worn a dress for a couple years. We then got black patterned footless tights, and paired with my busted up red heels… I actually felt like a lady.

The wedding turned out to be pretty good, I suppose a few glasses of wine went a long way when associating with family. Thank God there was alcohol, that was a pleasant surprise.

The ceremony was lame, several bible verses, a girl and guy sang some song that was half english, half italian (the bride’s italian I suppose). My feet were killing me because those damn heels, and sister had a bunch of funny comments.

Then the reception, the food was splendid.

I also saw mother DANCING, and it was hilarious. My sister and I must’ve laughed a solid 5 minutes at the sight of that. But when she noticed us and tried to get us to join her, we quickly darted away.

Then to the bar at the frou-frou hotel. I mostly sat quietly with family as they gabbed about dresses, trips to Europe, jewelry, and so forth. Bleh. And the bar-tender was a dick. I gave him $10.00 for a $62.00 tab. Ha, so there.

Then my sis, her boyfriend and I went to our room, and fell asleep with Cheaters on.

I will NEVER get married.

… Will suck.

My oldest cousin on my mother’s side is getting married. My sister and I agreed that we will take shots before the wedding, as it’s highly expected that there will be no alcohol at the reception, or during any of the event. My sister has more of a reason to be uncomfortable during this time, as she’s… gone through a lot… as far as marriage is concerned. And it was very undeserving and fucked up.

Mother’s side of the family is… well… different… in lack of better words. Or wait, normal. I’m the different one. They are of the Christian, hard-ass, closed-minded variety. There’s tension, mostly because of a step-cousin I lived with back in Frisco who made negative claims and rude remarks about me… and I know it somehow escalated to everyone of that side of the family.. they all see me as black sheep; drug addict; spoiled and lost. It’s sad. Especially since this cousin wanted a grand from my father for “emotional damages”. All she got was $100 gift card to Chili’s.

If I could make money off people for “emotional damages” I’d be a damn millionaire by now.

Drug addict - I am not. I’m sorry, but I prefer not to attend church and follow some bullshit belief… and that doesn’t make me an immoral person. In fact - I’m quite sure I have more morals then some of them.

Mom comes into town tomorrow, it’s going to be a nightmare. The woman is nuts, as am I. But we are in very, very, very different ways and it clashes entirely. I love her to pieces but there is severe lack of communication and understanding between us. Talking to her is beyond frustrating and emotional, she believes I’m bipolar and need help… I somewhat agree but refuse to admit. She simply doesn’t understand in the least bit.

Dad comes in town Saturday. Just as it is with mom, there’s a lack of communication and understanding. He and I get along, but my guilt and shame interferes.
I blame myself, but then… a part of me wants to blame them too, for pushing me to be like them, and as for dad… never being around. It’s a feeling of abandonment that I have. Dad has bought me everything, and spoiled me like no kid should be. But I feel that he did that in place of his absence. I don’t want money. And now, it’s too late and I’ve grown to be immature and inadequate.
Why do I let myself fester these thoughts? I have met people worse off then I - and they are successful. Sometimes I wish I was thrown out at 15, then I’d be forced to understand responsibility. And as now, my confusion about about people, life, and the real world has put me in some kind of quarter-life crisis and I come off as being misunderstood.

For once, I want to yell at them, throw these stupid debit cards at them… leave, and figure out how to survive entirely on my own.

………………………………………………………….

But for good news, Devin and I are still together. Just not physically. I have no phone so he can’t call me, but we’re sending messages on mycrack. I can’t wait to hear his voice

And I wish there was some way for us to be together. It frustrates me.

Brandon made me some dinner last night at his apartment, along with some wine. It was great, and then I went with him for a ride on his motorcycle and it started raining. I haven’t had that kind of fun in such a long time, I had Free Bird stuck in my head the entire time as we were cruising around… and couldn’t get this huge, dorky smile off my face.
Then we watched the first Star Wars. But halfway through the film I get a call from my older sister, saying she was in the hospital.

I apologize and feel bad for leaving, but I had to go see her.

She somehow managed to get a bunch of glass in her knee, which has gotta hurt. The doctor shot the area with Lidocaine and fished around under the skin with tweezers, poor girl
My curiosity peaked and I watched him doing this, and before long I started to feel very nauseous… I left the room and started heading for the bathroom, whilst reaching out for the door handle everything started getting very blurry. Next thing I knew I woke up on the hospital hallway floor in my own piss.

Passing out is so damn weird. I don’t know how long I was out, but I had a dream about the horse. I’ve blacked out many times in my life, so I know when it’s going to happen… but its still very awkward. This is the second time I’ve pissed on myself during it, which was damn embarrassing. At least I didn’t hit my head this time around.

She gets 10 stitches, and then I drive her home. I hope she found cover for work today.