BethTrippin.com

…on here.

There isn’t much to talk about these days, I’m consumed with working and whenever I’m home I’m passed out by 9pm or playing video games.

I’m off sunday, so I’ll be able to go to a much anticipated show in Denton tomorrow night; the band headlining is Hellbasterd and they’re pretty awesome. There’s also a bunch of good local grind/crust bands playing as well.
I think I’m just excited about going to a show, it’s been about a month since I last went to one and I’m starting to get withdrawls.

The past two times I went out I just hung and got drunk with a small group of friends in Bedford. Fun times. Fun times. I’ve really been saving money by not going to bars, it makes a huge difference. Not to mention the fact I have a job and am putting in about 40 hrs a week. I pay my sister half my paycheck, but I’m still better on cash then I ever have been and knowing I earned it makes me feel pretty damn good.

As for the diet - eh. I’m not doing as good, I’m still keeping my calories under 1600 a day and I don’t drink anything other then water with lemons (but beer calls on occasions). Or well, hm.. I’m actually not doing anything wrong with it. I eat a multigrain turkey sandwich with no mayo at work, and at home I make sure to consume just low-cal stuff. I’ve also been doing good with not eating past 7pm.
Yesterday was a big no-no … I got a full rack of ribs from Chili’s and ate the ENTIRE thing. Eeeeek.

Also, something hilarious happened last weekend, I got a call from ‘it’ and I was drunk as shit and being a bitch to him. Haha; I’m sure I said a lot of dumbass things but hell, I don’t care. I’ll never see him again anyways, he’s on the otherside of the damn country. Good.

What the hell.

So I’ve been smoking cigarettes for the past 7 years or so and lately I’ve been getting nicotine stains on my top lip. I tried scrubbing it off the other day and now it looks like I have a damn cold sore or something (note: DON’T use a magic eraser on your skin. Yes, I was that dumb to try).

I read that lemon works, which I tried some time ago and it did but not by much. Humph.
I’M NOT quitting. Fuck that. If I go out with lung cancer then at least I spent my life enjoying my booze and cigarettes.
I figure I should try to train myself to switch up my method. I always smoke out of the right corner of my mouth and exhale through pursed lips, also on the right side. It’s weird trying to adjust but I think with time I’ll get used to it.

As for my diet; it’s been working out pretty well. I don’t have a scale so I have no idea if I’ve actually lost anything, but I feel thinner. I also feel a shitton better, much more energized and generally all-around great. All I drink is water with lemons (I’ve must have gone through at least 30 lemons by now) and eat anything low in calories that isn’t junk.
I had a greasy ass ham sandwich at work the other day, and man… I felt like like complete SHIT afterwards and it totally fucked with my stomach. Eating right is automatic now, I only crave healthy foods. I also move around a whole lot at work, so I’m getting a decent amount of exercise.

Life is good. Sometimes I think I’m dreaming, but these past couple of weeks have been marvelous. Not to mention I’ve cut down dramatically on my drinking, and nowadays I don’t blackout anymore but just fall asleep after only about 6 beers.
I’m smiling a whole lot these days. I think I owe it to myself.

Time to fuck shit up in Fallout 3…!

After a year and a few months later I FINALLY got my Wendy O. Koopa tattoo colored yesterday! I’ll get a new photo soon. It looks WONDERFUL! And the irony is that the guy who finished it is named Mario (he also did my sister and I’s owls). He even said that if I were to get more Super Mario characters, he’d give me a discount and sounded quite excited about it, haha. I’ve already much considered getting a bunch of characters, and now I’m REALLY thinking about it.

My Wendy is on my wrist, and I’ve put to thought about getting other characters from the water world (from Super Mario Bros. 3, since Wendy is the boss of that world). I think getting the Bloopers and Cheep-Cheeps would look really cool, but I’d like to keep them below my elbow… and perhaps, what’s above my elbow could be Zelda images? I’m such a geek.

I love it, since whenever I feel down I can just look at my wrist and see Wendy and Super Mario has it’s way of making me feel nostalgic and like a kid again. I’m officially addicted to tattoos.. I mean, I’ve always liked them, but whenever I would get one I’d get very nauseous. But this time around, I watched him the whole time and conversed with other folks in the shop. Whenever he got down to the lower part of the tattoo was when I had to clinch my teeth a bit.

And folks, go visit Mario Gifs… which is near approaching 9 years of existence on the web (wow.. time flies).

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I also added many categories to this blog, it was a huge pain in the ass having to go back and edit all (near 200) posts and took about an hour but I managed. I just didn’t know what exactly to do about the older posts that involved me hanging out with the several folks who ultimately fucked me over. I have a category titled ‘evil people’.. but at the time I hung out with these folks I was too damn ignorant to know what they were going to do to me. There are also many posts I made back in 2007 under the influence of drugs, so I marked some under ‘drugs’ just to make a point of how irresponsible and lack-of-thinking they had made me.

It’s also quite pathetic that most of my posts are under ‘fuck my life’ and ‘fuck the world’.. but, well. That’s how I often feel.

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I also got two stickers for my truck in the mail, one says = ‘6 billion miracles are enough’ and the other is a Darwin fish. I hope I piss off some christians (joking). I’m pro-choice and anti-breeding, and highly believe that evolution is a fact and god is a theory, and have no problem expressing that. My intention is not to criticize people who have kids, but to say that people shouldn’t have unwanted children and there’s nothing immoral or wrong with abortion, unless you are using it as birth control - which I disagree with.. But one should use logical thinking when it comes to bringing a person into the world when you aren’t financially or emotionally ready.

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I also got the Orange Box from amazon, I really want to play it but I’ll wait until my current Fallout 3 obsession dies down (which, it won’t for awhile). I’ve already played Half-Life 2 back when it first came out and was addicted to that, even named one of my rats ‘Lamar’; haha.

So I didn’t go running today. It was raining. Boohoo.

I’m kind of pissed because I was actually looking forward to it. That surprises me, and it’s a good sign. So instead I went to walmart and bought running shit (cheap tank tops and shorts). I also had to buy shitloads of blister bandaids, I have very good running shoes that I bought over a year ago (New Balance 874, got them off ebay), and have ran in them before and never had problems. I guess I wore shitty socks this time. The back of my heels are a disgusting mess of rubbed off skin.

I had a massive migraine last night, I don’t know if it was the working out that contributed to it. I did wake up at a decent time and slept pretty good though. My ass and shins hurt today, like very slight shin splints.

I bought Cetaphil facewash as well and just used it, I think I like this stuff. It’s not too drying, and makes my skin feel ubersoft.

Uhm, yeah.

And I have not been shit-faced drunk in 6 days, which is about the third time I’ve done this in 2 years. Woohoo!
(It’s because of this whole diet thing, beer is horrendously fattening). I’m sure I’ll be getting drunk before this weekend, I find myself thinking about it often… but not near to the point of buying anything.

I also forgot to mention that chaos in tejas was last weekend, ugh. I can distinctly remember missing it last year, and telling myself ‘oh there’s always next year…’, and well. I missed it again. Either way, I’m not paying $60 to see any number of bands. I’m just mostly pissed that I could have hung out with some interesting people and had a good time. Devin couldn’t make it either, and there’s no way I’d go without him anyway.

So I finally got off my ass and went running today.

Well, more like brisk walking for an hour, I ran for about 100 feet and felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I’ll slowly move up the more I get in shape. Either way, it was exercise, and I feel great. I felt like crap during it though, but once I got home and sat down my gelatin legs felt pretty good.

I plan to drive to the trinity river, or other areas such as parks to have a change of scenery. The neighborhood was just too weird, as there were kids all over the damn place and people in their front yards.

I think I’ll sleep well tonight, will probably be sore as hell tomorrow. I just hope I stick with it.

Poor website. Neglected. Over-looked. Hitless.

I went to Beaumont again, saw Devin’s friends’ band, Capital Scam for their last show of their tour. It was awesome. Beaumont is always awesome. Dallas/Fort Worth fucking sucks and I want out of here. There are too many goddamn closed minded snotty people who pretty much come off as prejudice towards me (or something, who knows… which makes no sense as I am probably the nicest person you’ll ever meet, confused - but am willing to please). But just as equally there are cool people. I guess I’ve just been through too much crap here and want to get away.

Well, people are people, and they are like that everywhere. I guess it gets more and more noticeable the longer you live in one area.

I’m also still jobless, and having one would make a massive positive impact on my life. I’d drink less, feel like I’m accomplishing something, and have some kind of schedule besides laying around all day hating myself. I’m pretty much on the verge of mental breakdown, or well… I’ve always felt like this. Why I haven’t shot myself yet is beyond me.

Maybe I ought to see a shrink in hopes to get some kind of anti-depressants. Sure, medication is never the right answer but I’ve been so bad off this past year that I’m sleeping around 14 hours a day and am pissed off whenever I wake up because I’m still fucking alive and in this same place. Willpower isn’t working.

I have another fucking interview tomorrow, this time at Walgreens to work at the cosmetic counter. Walmart didn’t work out, apparently my B misdemeanor pot possession from 3 years ago deemed me ‘unhirable’ (such bullshit, seriously - your telling me that EVERYONE who’s worked at Walmart has ONLY had traffic citations/offenses related to that class).
Walgreens will probably turn out the same, afterall, bigass corporations… (ugh don’t get me started on that). I think I’ll just try to be alittle more straight up in this interview rather then sugarcoating everything, since that hasn’t seemed to work.

I don’t pay bills, I have money. Not mine, but I have it. So for financial reasons - a job isn’t entirely needed. But, I’m borderline about to blow up this planet in anger and am drowning myself in a horrendous depression because I sit around all day and think too much about bullshit. I drink way to much, since I don’t have to get up and work the next day. I shower once a damn week because I simply feel no damn motivation to get off my ass and even go out…. because nobody is fucking hiring me and I’m not accomplishing anything, being an overall failure. A job is important for my mental state. Very.

And once I do find work (most likely in post-apocalyptic times if I survive) I am going to save up and move the fuck out of here and get a place with Devin in Austin or in the near-area. We choose Austin because a.) people there are great and much more accepting b.) there is a bus system for him c.) We’re already friends with many folks down there (well, he is.. but I’m well acquainted) d.) Being in a ‘happy’ environment will keep me sane, thus functioning.

Devin and I have been together for 9 fucking months but not with our own place, and having to deal with the 250 miles between us. I’m hating it. I’ve had to get in my car, say bye to him, and drive away about 7 times now.. leaving him at places not even he can stay at. His situation is even worse then mine, since nobody can let him stay with them and he’s out in the middle of nowhere. How he can get a job that’s in bumfuck africa without a home is near impossible.

However, there are a few things about Austin that has me worried. a.) If things DID go downhill (financially/emotionally/achoholically/any other kind of ally) I’d go crazy. Probably move back in with my parents and possibly finally work up the guts to kill myself b.) There are many good people there, who enjoy hanging out often - If I’m going to hang out with anyone I will have to work on my drinking by not doing it unless there’s a show or party or something. Hanging out and NOT having a beer in my hand is a massive battle I’ll have to deal with. People make me nervous. Beer numbs nervousness. I have to learn to get over that. c.) The last time I lived with a boyfriend it damn near ruined my life, of course, Devin is very much different from that last psycho… but I still worry about things going the complete opposite of what is planned.

Well, that’s the bottom line - fear of the unknown. Always plaguing me.

And a change of topic, before I start breaking something or crying…
I’m going to start eating right and working out. I have not weighed myself in months, but I’m damn sure it’s nearing 190 lbs. My pants do not fit anymore. I need to go out and buy more, but I hate, hate hate absolutely hate shopping. So instead I don’t wash them, so they remain stretched out. I don’t wear my modified tank top band shirts anymore because they too hardly fit and I feel uber-huge having my shoulders and upper arms showing.
Plus, getting off my ass and exercising will make me feel overall better about myself, and increase my energy. If I could channel all my stress and sadness into running around the neighborhood again, that would be much better then eating fried chicken and playing PS3.
I’ve done it before, can do it again. I have lost around 20 lbs by eating right and jogging back in late 2007 early 2008, but it took about 6 fucking months to do so. I’ve gained all that back and then some because I did not stick to it. But I know it is possible, and it wasn’t entirely as dreadful as most think it to be. The hard part will be the first 2 weeks or so, since I’m so damn out of shape.
I’ve also craiglisted stationary bikes and intend to buy one, that way I could stick it in front of the television and sit there drilling myself in my bedroom.

It’s so damn unfair that my metabolism is slow as fuck. If I ate like a normal person I still gain weight, so I just need to do extra. I know it is society that makes us believe we’re supposed to look a certain way that’s unrealistic, and I’ve had so many men tell me not to worry and that I’m fine. But seriously they’re full of shit. I’m 5′8″ and yes, I wouldn’t mind being 120 lbs - which is sickly, but seriously, it would be nice to be a size 2. But it ain’t going to happen unless I run daily marathons and go on an all-out cocaine binge. I’m just going to eat right, work out, and not aim for a specific number or size but just see how much lard I can loose in healthy method.

Well, that was a large post - and what’s surprising about it is that I’m 100% sober. This is probably the first post I’ve made that’s over a paragraph and I’m not in a drunken ramble.

Oh and by the way, I bought Grand Theft Auto 4 and Resistance and both are badass. Resistance is beginning to scare the crap out of me.

Mom bought me a PS3!

So here I am bitching about all these traffic citations and not being to pay them off and I get a PS3; oh my priorities are so jacked up. But look at it this way - the PS3 has caused me to stay home; basically becoming a full blown hermit. I’m less likely to get picked up by the cops if I stay in, right?

I quite literally have not left the house in DAYS. I bought Tomb Raider: Underworld and I’m pathetically addicted. And it’s only gonna get worse - I ordered Oblivion off of Amazon for $20 and it should be in any day now. I can see myself being massively obsessed with it.

The graphics are AMAZING. I guess after playing my PS2 for so many years, and not seeing much of a PS3 has made me not realize how damn advanced things are with gaming.

I’m also starting a diet thing I kind of came up with. It works.
I eat the right amount of calories in the day - 2,000 or so (I try to make a guess at how much I’ve consumed) and by the end of the day if I’m craving for munchies or another sandwich, I chug as much water as possible. It makes my stomach feel full, and water is good. I sure been pissing a lot, even waking up at night to make a trip to the bathroom. But it keeps me from over-eating and I already feel better. They say your supposed to drink asstons of water every day and now I understand that it actually helps.

I’ve also cut sodas and fast food out entirely, and the alcohol intake has slowed down quite a bit (though I drank a 6-pack last night). A lot has to do with the PS3, instead of being bored and getting drunk every night, I’m kept entertained.

Of course I’ve done all this before. It’ll last a couple weeks and then I’ll go back to bad habits. It’s like a damn rotation beyond my control.

As for that Walmart interview, I’m quite sure I got the job. The problem is I had to have a drug test. And it’s just my luck to have to have it when I hardly EVER smoke weed anymore, but I had a hit a couple days previous to the test. Wtf. We’ll have to see how that goes. Ughhhh…

I also cut my bangs. A bit too short. It’s hard to straighten them, I’ve already burned my forehead and fingers multiple times. Well, it will grow back. And no matter what it’s better then before, since they were in my face and annoying as all hell.

Twister is on TNT. I haven’t seen this shit in years - hellz yeah. Good ole Bill Paxton. Ha.

And the Popeyes near my house is ran by a bunch of morons. I had to repeat my order 3 times at the intercom and they still got it completely wrong, it was cold, and the dude at the window wouldn’t stop trying to have a conversation with me. Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have been so frustrated, but one of my contacts fell out while driving there - so here I was driving with only one eye open to keep myself from getting nauseous. Then I somehow managed to near hang myself with my seat belt when I got out of my car, causing my chicken box to open and my biscuit fell out.

I also owe the City of Irving about $300-400 worth of fines that I do not know how the hell I’m going to pay. Ugh.

Fuck my life.

I just want to go to Beaumont, pick up Devin, and drive north - anywhere. Or go back to New Mexico and be woodland people. Max the shit out of my gas card. Run away. The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster.

These are from last night -

I need to cut my bangs. They’re getting annoying.
I’m also getting more and more addicted to makeup. The best site EVER. It’s pointless. But whatever. I have nothing better to do then paint my face.

So yeah, here are those pictures.

I’m quite happy with it. Bangs are hella frustrating though.

I’ve also been trying to eat better. I seriously need to consider running again, I’m getting bigger. I don’t ever want to balloon up to the weight I was at the end of high school.
I’m also pretty sure my bad drinking habit doesn’t help either. I’m sure if I were to cut out beer entirely I’d probably loose weight or at least stabilize. I always eat a shit-ton when I drink, and the beer itself is certainly not too good on calorie content.

I’m also butchering my reputation because I’m beyond obnoxious to everyone whenever I have a few. I tend to treat everyone as therapists when I’m drunk, which is the last thing I should be doing because I’m sure I’m annoying the hell out of them.
Problem is, I really don’t think I could stop if I tried. Simply being around people is a trigger enough, I can’t be social at all without a drink. I’m just much too introverted and can’t shake my damn anxieties. I hope with time this’ll pass.

Sheesh. This blog makes me sound so self-absorbed.

So my car is in the shop, and has been for the past 4 days. My boyfriend and I have pretty much been stuck at home this entire time, and are now so bored that we’re purposely annoying each other. Of all weekends to not have a car - this was a bad one. We missed a couple good shows we planned to attend. Eh.
I can’t wait to see if the truck runs better, there was something wrong with the fuel injection and it’s apparently a major repair. I guess it’s understandable. It’s the first thing fixed on it, and she’s got 196,000 miles. That truck is going to be ever-lasting.

I also ordered these badass pair of boots from england, and about a week ago I find a package on the doorstep… and it’s one boot. I was a little angry but figured they’d shipped them separately, which they did - the second came in a few days later. I guess they didn’t have a box to fit both in?

I also colored my hair. For the fourth time in my life I again attempted bleach blonde with black streaks - Devin did the streaks using foil. It actually came out perfect, the ends are a little brown since the bleach didn’t seem to want to lightened it as much as the roots. I need to get a good photo. I’m quite happy about it.

Oh, and yeah… I’m moving to California with my sister at the beginning of February. I’m excited!

There’s a show on lifetime called ‘Blush‘ and I love it. It’s just like ‘Project Runway‘ - a competetive reality type, but with makeup. It gives me ideas.

I also had badass weekend of getting drunk and going to shows. Cassie also took me to a salon where I got my lip and eyebrows waxed. I’ve had that done before, but they didn’t really take off much (as far as my brows). This time they did, and it’s amazing how much it’s made my whole face look better. Then we got pedicures - which I’ve never done before and was a little apprehensive about spending money on it - but it turned out great. The massage was something I seriously needed. It was really weird having my feet touched by someone else but I just shoved that stupid anxiety to the back of my mind. I also got my toes painted, french tips. I like looking at them all the time now.

Also, Devin hasn’t called in four fucking days and I can’t help but fret that he’s dead or found someone else. I’d like to see him on thanksgiving but that won’t happen unless he fucking calls before thursday. I spent Thanksgiving alone last year and I’m quite certain I can do it again this year. Blah.

I’m feeling really bitchy and coming down with a damn cold.

For the past 3 months or so, I’ve been logging onto mycrack and I am bom-barded with weight-loss bullshit.

It’s getting quite annoying, it’s already a pain in my ass [being a woman] and seeing so much bullshit related to being extremely thin.
What ever happened to the ideal Venus of Willendorf? (first figure of a woman discovered; from around 24,000 BCE who was the ‘ideal’ shape of a lady). Of course, we are are so easily manipulated by the media today.

So a few days a go, I log on… and am constantly getting another weight-loss ad with this photo…

WTF?! Her spreaded left hand is of equal diameter as her ass (well, the lack of ass she has…)! And nearly as wide as her tummy!

As a woman who is 5′8″, 165 lbs… I slightly overweight but not entirely (I used to be 195 lbs and yes I am the one on the far left) so I’m quite thankful for where I am at now) I can succumb to these media-induced ideals and ….

a. Stop drinking beer (never going to happen), work out 2 hours a day, and eat salads with no dressing with a side of egg-whites everyday.
b. become a coke/meth addict - hell, teeth can be replaced anyways - right?
c. purge myself after each meal, and spit-and-chew whenever I dare feel hungry

—- I can’t do any of that. I’m proud to wear size 9 and I love my butt/curves/flubb, and if I’m too ‘bootylicious’ for you then I wish you luck in finding someone you can fuck in the holding-while-standing-up position.

AND my size comes handy in the mosh pit.

AND if I ever were to get in a fight (never have been, probably won’t ever be in) I could just fall on the girl and it would be her demise.

BLAH.

*** This is not intended to insult ladies of smaller proportions, we all have different figures based on our metabolisms. I’m just ranting because that damn ad set me off (and I’ve had a few drinks, and feel aggro at this moment). We are all beautiful, but I’m tired of seeing ladies being subjected to have a certain appearance. I appreciate being accepted for who I am and those in the past who have made physical remarks about me are more insecure.

So… I broke my D&B glasses about 4 months ago, and started using my “backup” pair - which are a pair I’ve had sense middle school - the prescription was weak, and they were hideous rounded frame things. Then about a week ago I broke them (as usual… I’ve been through 5 glasses in my lifetime) and was wondering around with a bunch of electrical tape on them… (thanks to Brian’s tinkering skills he fixed them very well, but they sure looked horrendously busted). I finally got off my ass and went to an optometrist and got contacts for the first time in a year. They are irritating but I’ll deal with it, as I am happy that I don’t have a piece of metal on my face.

I’m currently in Austin, living on the northside off of Braker. Brian, Amber, and Ty own the apartment… and Devin, Jordi (who is leaving today - which sucks, she’s a sweetie) and Dogi live here, along with me. I love these people. They are fabulous, good-hearted people.

I’m just figuring things out, and I will.

The weekend wasn’t quite as great as planned. I had a wonderful time on saturday night. Britney and I went to a show (Unit 21 was the band) and I somehow managed to spend $50 on drinks at the damn bar; am now completely kicking myself for it. I think I bought some people drinks, but I’m not sure. I must’ve had 2 shots of Vodka, and about 5 beers. I also had two beers before I got there… so yes. I became “Drunken Belligerent Beth”.

Then there was an after-party where there was a keg… and I have no idea how much I had. I just remember running around like a retarded idiot shouting “EVERYONE HAVIN A GOOD TIME?!!!!” Then discussing random topics with strangers. I know I talked about horses, religion, punk music, industrial music…
Then pouring beer on Corbin and him pouring beer on me.
I wish I had his number so I could apologize. I don’t know why I act the way I do, at least I don’t start crying anymore.

I was like the way I was in high school at parties, I’d get crazy and only care about whether everyone having a fun time. I don’t know why, but sheesh…

Britney didn’t have much fun though *le sigh*

And photo of her and I..

And she’s got me addicted to age-defining makeup. The oiliness really helps the loose powder stick and looks like my skin is glowing. I hardly get acne anymore, so I suppose the oil won’t hurt.

Now that I got these new piercings, I want to color my hair. I’m thinking of doing the top black, and bottom part platinum blonde.
Or the entire thing black.

Eh. Not quite sure yet, but I’ll decide. I’m going to the salon for this though, since all my home-dying attempts never turn out perfect. I also want it to be permanent. I just hope the hairdresser doesn’t try to talk me out of it… which is what happened last time… and I’m still kicking myself for it.