BethTrippin.com

Back from Colorado, we spent about 2 months there and it was plenty of fun. But just as all other locations, things got pretty boring and dramatic.

There’s a lot of ridiculusly humourous stories I’ve collected whilst being in Colorado, I wouldn’t even know where to begin if I were to tell them. I spent most of my time there camping in the mountains up in Nederland, the park in Boulder (which was better then comedy central and cartoon network combined, though sometimes got pretty stupid with all the locals and traveling kids being crazy drunks). Often I just found random sleeping spots when I didn’t work up enough money for gas to get to anywhere… but always was with newfound friends and stuck around different crews. We also spent some time in Denver.. which SUCKED.

One thing is my current health condition… it was about 1 week into Colorado that I woke early morning after a night of drinking MD 20/20 with this horrible pain in my abdomin. It was most extreme in the center, right below my ribcage. I tried to battle it out but about an hour into it I started puking bile, and I mean LOTS of it. I asked my buddies for a ride to the hospital - so off I go… I’m hoping it’s some kind of stomach flu but I know it is not, the pain is so unbearable. I’ve never felt such in my life.

I get to the hospital, they give a dihydromorphine drip (mmhmm, however the pain at that point was so bad nothing seemed to help), run a series of tests such as an ultrasound, catscans, etc… and then tell me I have some shit called pancreatitis. Apparently I’ve drank my pancreas to it’s breaking point.

I spend a week in the hospital, bombarded with social workers, religious AA chapmans.. even my parents found out and show up and pull an intervention on my ass. Being in such pain in the hospital is the last place for all this self-reflection bullshit.

A week later I’m out, I manage to not touch beer or anything for another 2 weeks or so, but eventually I fuck up again and go on a 3 day rum binge and end up back in the hospital… same shit goes down. This time I left early against their orders, on July 13th - my 23rd birthday. The following week was hell, being on the streets in massive pain is NOT fun.
Though, in the end of all that I consider myself lucky, it takes some kind of wake-up call to make one realize that we’re not invincible. It could have been worse, I could have been killed or accidently killed an innocent.

Needless to say, I’m still drinking.. about half the past amount but it’s very hard to not get back to that point. I don’t drink enough to withdrawl, so I’m able to make it through a day without a drink. But hell, I’ll figure it out at somepoint.

Also, I got a rat. I’ve currently had him for about 2 months and named him Ned after the town Nederland. He’s still a baby, and pretty much with me 24/7. Click on photo for full size.

He’s become very special to me, who would have thought one could get separation anxiety from a rat?Here’s a current photo from about a week ago, we’re currently back in El Paso where I’m visiting my parents and getting some much-needed shit taken care of. From left to right, old high school friends Josh and Nica. Then myself and my boyfriend Harvey.

Then a ridiculus busted-ass photo of a drunk chick..

Yep.
Next plan - Tennesse, then the east coast. I’m really hoping for Virginia.

I figure I’m in due time to update this lameass blog.

I’m still in Austin Texas; whether it is a mental breakdown that keeps me away from Dallas -  I am not sure - but I have a bad habit of leaving homebase for several months and fucking off and drinking…. or well, I still drank my ass off whilst living in Dallas/Fort Worth…. I just enjoy meeting new folks in new environments.

I intend to head to Colorado soon; we plan to rubbertramp our asses up there since I crave seeing mountains again; and moreso seeing new people. It’s already here, in Austin Texas that I have met so many awesome folks that I do not want to leave, though I want to have some kind of change of environment - I guess I cannot find myself properly and choose to drink and run away from everything. I cannot explain this certain breaking point; however alcohol is a huge influence. I often wish I could just be normal.

The past week I’ve been going through problems with my innerds - I might only be 22 but I’ve been drinking for many years and perhaps it is finally catching up with me.  I don’t keep track of how much I drink; as after 10 beers I binge. My buddy hooked me up with antibiotics… I think I have a kidney infection. I’ve had bladder and urinary infections, but this is different. My back hurts like a motherfuck and peeing is hell. I find myself waking up every hour of the night in pain and I feel that my body is near bout to explode.

I need to slow down.

As I type this at this moment I am sucking on my beautiful bottle of Old Crow.

Is this a demise of Beth? Or simple a quarter-life crisis?

I cannot foretell the future; I understand I am immature and irresponsible - but I’m one lost individual and I choose to drink my ass off to escape how much I have fucked up. Alcohol is the solution yet the cause of all problems.

I enjoy those I currently am around; I feel that I have folks who enjoy my company… and the reason for that is that I just want to be liked. All humans want to be liked.

I met this swell felllow; Harvey ; he’s a very talented tattoo artist. He did a piece of one of my ferrets on my calf. We’ve been hanging out for weeks now; living together with other buddies.
New places. New faces; I love it. I enjoy meeting new folks.

Well, I’m getting drunker as I get further into this blog, so I must quit typing.

This is seriously one poor excuse for a blog. It looks like shit, I don’t write anything really thought provoking, and it’s rarely updated. Sheesh.

So No Thanks Fest was last weekend, just two good ole’ days of being drunk, listening to good music and rolling around in the mud. My stomach hurts like crazy from all the alcohol consumption (well, and I drank last night, so that’s mainly why). Someone jacked the front plate of my truck and maybe my ipod (though there’s a large chance I could have just dropped it somewhere). But it’s worth it in the end, since I haven’t had that much fun in a really long time and I’m already impatient about next year. I’ve never met such hospitable people in my life, everyone was just very friendly and if they had a bottle of booze or some food they’d straight up ask if you wanted any.

The music was great, no real bad shit happened, even getting shot twice by a paintball gun by Lala’s crazy boyfriend was fun.

I also dreamt last night that I was in a Buddhist temple and there was some attractive dude I was hanging out with who wore a shirt with Sesame’s Street Ernie on it. The dream got very vivid but I’ll spare you guys. I wonder who he’s supposed to represent. His face is fuzzy, but didn’t seem like anyone familiar. Just an average guy.
I’ve been getting some really wacked dreams lately.

Oh and, uhm… by the way. I quit my job. Well, it was more like… I stopped showing up.
I just couldn’t take it anymore, they were a bunch of lazy assholes who had me doing all the work.

So here I am back at point A. Jobless. Huge social life. Drunk 75% of the time. Least I’m not depressed, or not yet anyways.

Well, it appears that the dns server switch did not affect this pages’ view ability. Good. Thank god.

But, better yet - my mac won’t boot up! YAY FOR ME! Everything is just fucking peachy!

When I turn it on, it just stays on it’s blue load-up screen. I’ve removed the battery, cleaned it, let it sit on charge for several hours… everything. And it’s still being a chut. ARGH.
I don’t want to think about it. If I lose everything on there…

ANYWAYS. Before I break something -

El Paso was marvelous. I also went to Cloudcroft New Mexico, which was also marvelous (being that it was 55 degrees there).
The first night in my hometown kind of sucked. It was nice seeing everyone, but for some weird reason Sunshine is now friends with some retards and they pretty much made things shitty. You would think these guys have never seen women, or alcohol before - and they’re mothers must have done a crapass job raising them. I ultimately ended up kicking one of them in the face the following day, hell… he deserved it. I’m only mad at myself for not kicking him harder…grr. I’m not a fucking object and if your not going to listen to me I’m going to get my point across no matter what. So don’t put your goddamn hands on me you disgusting air force pervert. Some men need to be castrated (no, ALL).

The second night was much better, I saw an old friend whom I haven’t seen in years. I got pretty sloshed at the bar and then we went to Zee’s house - which fucking sucked. It was techno music with a bunch of rolling coked out morons all around the age of 16. Yes… I used to do the same thing, but now looking back.. man I was such an idiot.

The third night was much better. We went to a karaoke bar, just us four girls. We ended up running into old friends there, went to their apartment.. shot the shit and had more drinks, and passed out on her couch. The karaoke bar was awesome, especially fat dudes who sing and dance and actually make funny jokes that everyone laughs at.
AND!… I saw my first crush there, hahaha. About 11 years later, and he’s overweight and balding!!! AWESOME. He was such an asshole to me, I’ll never forget the night I called him whilst at a slumber party and he asked me if I started my period yet. I tell you, that ruined my entire future. I’ve hated guys ever since.

It was also nice seeing my folks. Dad is doing great, apparently that operation in Phoenix was exactly what he needed.

I also bought a ‘Wired’ magazine and read it the whole flight back, I’m surprised that I’ve never read these before. I really liked it, and so I ordered a subscription. I need to start learning new things because I find myself getting stupider.

I work tomorrow at 6am. I’m cranky as fuck. I’m hungover. God damn my life. Back to dieting and alcohol portioning. And my computer is busted. I’m also suffering badly from Fallout 3 withdrawls.. I’ve already got the ps3 booted and I’m sitting right in front of it ready to kick some mutant ass.

I’m finally going home, it has been over a year since I’ve last been there and feels much longer. I just cannot wait to see all my old friends; it’s nice seeing my parents too.. sort of. Though they do a damn good job at making me feel like shit.

I also got an email from this website’s hosting server and there is going to be a dns change. This presents a problem.
The laptop I had all my domain information was stolen about 3 years ago, so I can’t remember where I registered this domain, or any information (password, username, etc).
Possibly when they make the change this site will just redirect to my registrar, but then.. I’m not sure.
The switch will be tomorrow, so expect this place to offline for a minute.

Work has been pissing me off lately. Customers are complete idiots, and one of the shift-leads really gets under my skin and makes me want to go crazy. She’s demanding as fuck, has the loudest Starbuckslike voice and comes off as really fake. She tells me what to do, which I’m totally fine with (being that I’m under her) but it’s just constant. She asks me to sweep; which I already know do WITHOUT someone telling me too, and the second I’m done she tells me to take out the trash, and so forth. Really, I’m not an idiot. I know what needs to be done. It’s only when it is something new I’ll have to be told to do it, and even then I can figure it out on my own. She also apologizes to me about 3 times a day for her bitching, and the first few days it was alright but now I’m tired of it.. seriously, I don’t believe in apologizes if they are constantly being made.
But it’s not making me want to quit or anything, it just gets annoying. This place is so scattered, but I guess it’s normal for anyone who has ever worked at a starbucks to think all other places are messy.

I got off pretty early - around noon, came home and took a 6 hour nap. So now it’s 1:11am and I’m up, argh. I hate it when I’m up past 11:00 now.
And I did pretty shitty today as far as my diet. I stuck to all the low-cal low-fat stuff but ended up eating ALOT of it. Dammit. Now I just feel like shit and bloated.
I’ve also been fucking up lately with alcohol. Dammit. Dammit Dammit. I thought I was over all that.. I ended up having a few on sunday and was hungover as shit when I went to work the next morning. And then I had a bunch last night.. I went by a friend’s house and she had some vodka and a beer. She offered. I hesitated but gave in. This turned into me buying a 6 pack and knocking those back once I got back to my house. So again, I was hungover as shit when I got to work, and I was also 20 minutes late. I called to tell them I was going to be late but that bitch of a coworker got on the phone, I told her and she just hung up on me (UGH).

I don’t get it. I go on a diet, get positive about myself; only to go back to my drunken fatty ways. It seems to go in about 3 month intervals. And this bullshit has been going on for years, I’m so tired of it. What’s wrong with me?

I’m excited about visiting home but at the same time I am scared. I hate that I know that I cannot control myself. Willpower has left the building once I have a single beer, and my social anxieties make it damn near impossible to not drink when I’m hanging out with people.

So I went to Austin for a week and just got back yesterday. I literally cried as I headed north on I35 back here (to Fort Worth). I love Austin. I love the people in Austin. I love the aurora of Austin. I love the creeks, hiking, swimming and all the nature shit one can do with nice friends.

God dammit.

Now I have an awesome sunburn as a reminder of it’s badassiness.

I also left Devin there. Baaaaaaaaaah Kill me please.

And some random photos from back in may -

Devin found a bill on the floor of a gas station. Lucky fucker.

My attempt at a ’40s look. I think I look kinda like a man.

Poor website. Neglected. Over-looked. Hitless.

I went to Beaumont again, saw Devin’s friends’ band, Capital Scam for their last show of their tour. It was awesome. Beaumont is always awesome. Dallas/Fort Worth fucking sucks and I want out of here. There are too many goddamn closed minded snotty people who pretty much come off as prejudice towards me (or something, who knows… which makes no sense as I am probably the nicest person you’ll ever meet, confused - but am willing to please). But just as equally there are cool people. I guess I’ve just been through too much crap here and want to get away.

Well, people are people, and they are like that everywhere. I guess it gets more and more noticeable the longer you live in one area.

I’m also still jobless, and having one would make a massive positive impact on my life. I’d drink less, feel like I’m accomplishing something, and have some kind of schedule besides laying around all day hating myself. I’m pretty much on the verge of mental breakdown, or well… I’ve always felt like this. Why I haven’t shot myself yet is beyond me.

Maybe I ought to see a shrink in hopes to get some kind of anti-depressants. Sure, medication is never the right answer but I’ve been so bad off this past year that I’m sleeping around 14 hours a day and am pissed off whenever I wake up because I’m still fucking alive and in this same place. Willpower isn’t working.

I have another fucking interview tomorrow, this time at Walgreens to work at the cosmetic counter. Walmart didn’t work out, apparently my B misdemeanor pot possession from 3 years ago deemed me ‘unhirable’ (such bullshit, seriously - your telling me that EVERYONE who’s worked at Walmart has ONLY had traffic citations/offenses related to that class).
Walgreens will probably turn out the same, afterall, bigass corporations… (ugh don’t get me started on that). I think I’ll just try to be alittle more straight up in this interview rather then sugarcoating everything, since that hasn’t seemed to work.

I don’t pay bills, I have money. Not mine, but I have it. So for financial reasons - a job isn’t entirely needed. But, I’m borderline about to blow up this planet in anger and am drowning myself in a horrendous depression because I sit around all day and think too much about bullshit. I drink way to much, since I don’t have to get up and work the next day. I shower once a damn week because I simply feel no damn motivation to get off my ass and even go out…. because nobody is fucking hiring me and I’m not accomplishing anything, being an overall failure. A job is important for my mental state. Very.

And once I do find work (most likely in post-apocalyptic times if I survive) I am going to save up and move the fuck out of here and get a place with Devin in Austin or in the near-area. We choose Austin because a.) people there are great and much more accepting b.) there is a bus system for him c.) We’re already friends with many folks down there (well, he is.. but I’m well acquainted) d.) Being in a ‘happy’ environment will keep me sane, thus functioning.

Devin and I have been together for 9 fucking months but not with our own place, and having to deal with the 250 miles between us. I’m hating it. I’ve had to get in my car, say bye to him, and drive away about 7 times now.. leaving him at places not even he can stay at. His situation is even worse then mine, since nobody can let him stay with them and he’s out in the middle of nowhere. How he can get a job that’s in bumfuck africa without a home is near impossible.

However, there are a few things about Austin that has me worried. a.) If things DID go downhill (financially/emotionally/achoholically/any other kind of ally) I’d go crazy. Probably move back in with my parents and possibly finally work up the guts to kill myself b.) There are many good people there, who enjoy hanging out often - If I’m going to hang out with anyone I will have to work on my drinking by not doing it unless there’s a show or party or something. Hanging out and NOT having a beer in my hand is a massive battle I’ll have to deal with. People make me nervous. Beer numbs nervousness. I have to learn to get over that. c.) The last time I lived with a boyfriend it damn near ruined my life, of course, Devin is very much different from that last psycho… but I still worry about things going the complete opposite of what is planned.

Well, that’s the bottom line - fear of the unknown. Always plaguing me.

And a change of topic, before I start breaking something or crying…
I’m going to start eating right and working out. I have not weighed myself in months, but I’m damn sure it’s nearing 190 lbs. My pants do not fit anymore. I need to go out and buy more, but I hate, hate hate absolutely hate shopping. So instead I don’t wash them, so they remain stretched out. I don’t wear my modified tank top band shirts anymore because they too hardly fit and I feel uber-huge having my shoulders and upper arms showing.
Plus, getting off my ass and exercising will make me feel overall better about myself, and increase my energy. If I could channel all my stress and sadness into running around the neighborhood again, that would be much better then eating fried chicken and playing PS3.
I’ve done it before, can do it again. I have lost around 20 lbs by eating right and jogging back in late 2007 early 2008, but it took about 6 fucking months to do so. I’ve gained all that back and then some because I did not stick to it. But I know it is possible, and it wasn’t entirely as dreadful as most think it to be. The hard part will be the first 2 weeks or so, since I’m so damn out of shape.
I’ve also craiglisted stationary bikes and intend to buy one, that way I could stick it in front of the television and sit there drilling myself in my bedroom.

It’s so damn unfair that my metabolism is slow as fuck. If I ate like a normal person I still gain weight, so I just need to do extra. I know it is society that makes us believe we’re supposed to look a certain way that’s unrealistic, and I’ve had so many men tell me not to worry and that I’m fine. But seriously they’re full of shit. I’m 5′8″ and yes, I wouldn’t mind being 120 lbs - which is sickly, but seriously, it would be nice to be a size 2. But it ain’t going to happen unless I run daily marathons and go on an all-out cocaine binge. I’m just going to eat right, work out, and not aim for a specific number or size but just see how much lard I can loose in healthy method.

Well, that was a large post - and what’s surprising about it is that I’m 100% sober. This is probably the first post I’ve made that’s over a paragraph and I’m not in a drunken ramble.

Oh and by the way, I bought Grand Theft Auto 4 and Resistance and both are badass. Resistance is beginning to scare the crap out of me.

I can’t sleep.

I find myself really mad right now for no particular reason.

Devin and I did another one of our ping-ponging across Texas. This time it consisted of Beaumont, Austin, Houston, Del Rio, and that south tip near Big Bend. I dropped him off back in Beaumont several days ago. Ugh. I hate having to adjust without him. Someday we’ll have our own apartment. It’s will happen, but getting a job during this impossible time isn’t helping the situation.

I have over a hundred photos but I’m too damn lazy to post them. But here’s a couple of us in our lovely 5 star suite:

‘Oh yes PBR - How I love thee..‘

I also seriously need to get off my fat lard tubby nasty ass and start running. It’ll help with the stress and I can’t really fit in my pants anymore, it takes a good 5 whole minutes of me fighting with them to get them on. And my damn face looks like a damn muffin and I can’t even see my damn cheekbones because there’s about an inch of fucking fat all over my face. God dammit. Why can’t I have a fast metabolism or make myself puke. Dammit.

I’m just on a roll, eh?

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH Dammit fucking cocksucking rainbow colored cum bubble on a dead man’s ass horseshit.

And the city of Irving sent me a fucking letter for that fucking P.I. and speeding ticket warning me about possible warrants. Fuck you. A couple nights in jail almost seems peaceful right now. IT’S NOT LIKE I’M BUSY WORKING, NOBODY WILL FUCKING HIRE MY FATASS. I love sleeping, and jail is damn well a good place to do that.

They just need asstons of money because some dumbass decided to build the whole friggin city on a landfill, so now all the little yup shopping centers are sinking and the roads are fucked. ‘Tard.

(I’ll pay it off; somehow. Sheesh.)

I was sticking a sewing needle between my teeth when I noticed I broke a chunk off one of my front ones. Fuckkkk. At least it’s from the backside, so you can’t see anything when I smile. It’s annoying though, and I keep tonguing it.

So I went to New Braunfels with my sister for the night. Her friend from California was there, and being that it’s only 4 hours away we drove down there to hang out. It was alright, not much to do there. But I like going to new places even if the don’t have much to do. It was an experience.

And…

Tomorrow I’m driving to Beaumont to see DEVIN!!!!!
YES. It’s been weeks since we’ve seen each other and I’m going insane.
There’s also a show on saturday, Molotov Compromise is playing at Julio’s garage. Woohoo.

I’m just dreading the 5 and half hour drive. Ick.

Drinking with some of the Beaumont crew.

I suppose it’s time to go through my all-out update of what the hell has been going on. This is probably one of the most bipolar blogs on the internet, I seem to go a couple weeks of posting and then stopping for no particular reason. My journals share the same treatment.

I have over a hundred new photos, so I’ll post my favorites. Click on for full size.

Here are those from June:

That’s what happens when you have punks over and a stapler within reach.

JD and Devin in my apartment in Plano.

Mateo and JD goofing off as usual.

Zultan and Devin puking outside the truck in Oklahoma City, at The Lower Class Brats show.

Justen and Cassandra.

In Oklahoma City, I have no idea why I have a shot AND the bottle in my hands.

Robby, JD, Mateo and I driving back to Oklahoma city from Tulsa after a show.

Shake that Ass!

Following photos are from the month of July, mostly consisting of travels with Devin.

Our camping site in Ruidoso.

Devin cooking steaks in Ruidoso, New Mexico.

High on a mountain; in Ruidoso, New Mexico.

With Devin’s chili.

Lookout tower

Roswell, New Mexico

Gus and Julio, friends I met through Devin in Beaumont.

Haha

With Gus and Taffany.

Dorks.

Taffany’s face says it all.

Myself, in Beaumont.

Driving through Houston.

Durrr

Rest stop in Louisiana near stray cats.

Rainbow in Louisiana.

Crossing over it in Baton Rouge.

On Bourbon, with some stranger. .

Walking along…

Along the Mississippi.

Devin on the dock.

Huge graveyard.

Katrina

Katrina.

Still suffering from the hurricane.

Nawlins’.

HUGE bridges.

Driving over the bridge, eeeeek…

And now, from the month of August…

At the Rainforest Cafe in Galveston.

“OMG Becky, look at her GUT.” …. I thought the gorilla was dayum sexy.

Zultan, Mateo, and Austen.

Kiah, JD, Mickey & Lindsey.

Went back to Beaumont for a show in Julio’s garage, and to drop off Devin.

Morgan and I. Sorry, I’m too lazy to rotate it

Ferrets got a new cage palace.

I also decided to take a picture of all my journals, from fourth grade to present.

I’ve also got a couple new tattoos…

My sis and I got matching owls; our Grandmother collected them.

Wendy O. Koopa - Super Mario Bros. Plan to color it someday when I get the balls to do so.

*Whew*

Posting all that just took me an hour and half. I left out a bunch I really wanted to put up, but I’m lazy. So I had to be picky.

I’ve recently moved in with my sister, the lease on my apartment ended. I’m about 20 miles away from where I used to be. I love it so far, I hated living alone.

I feel like the past 3 months have taught me a lot, and I do notice that I’m such a different person these days. I just hope I don’t become jaded and like so many other shitty people out there… however, I know I have a good heart.

I haven’t posted in such an extended period of time that it would take immense paragraphs just to catch up.

I can’t quite explain just how much my life has changed since my last entry; I’ve been traveling a lot and meeting new people. My sister (and others) have asked me if I’m experiencing a mental breakdown - and although I deny it; perhaps I just might be.

So far my travels (in the past 5 weeks) have taken me to Austin… back to my home-base (of Plano). Then to Austin once again, San Antonio… then Austin… then to Houston, followed by Beaumont, then back to home-base, then Oklahoma city… then home-base - followed by Beaumont, then New Orleans, then Beaumont/Houston area again, Home-base… then my hometown of El Paso… followed by Cloudcroft (New Mexico), El Paso once again, Ruidoso (New Mexico)… a brief stop in Roswell… and now back home in plain old Plano. I met a fellow named Devin in Austin and he’s been coming with me everywhere, we get along pretty well and he’s pleasant to have around.

The places and faces I’ve seen have been beyond interesting and (for lack of a word) educational.

I’ve meet kids who live different lives of drifting and train hopping; although often I think it is immature of them I appreciate they’re stories and grow curious of their nonconformist ideals. They’ve taught me much about life; and although I like to hear of what they have been through - it makes me feel that I am a person trapped and held by strings of society. A part of me wants to fuck it all away; and live just as they are. But I’ve got so many things bound too that I can’t just “up and leave”. But hearing their stories, their lives… - I can’t quite put it into perspective in text.

I have a new outlook on my life - and it depresses me.. but at the same time makes me further thankful for what I have.
BUT…. To keep up with what I do have - I’ve got to attend college, be successful - bury myself in a hole of a 9-5 work atmosphere - become that “something” of a person. Do I want that? I’m 21 years old and more confused then I have ever been.

I suppose I’m dumb, hypocritical… insubordinate, careless. But at the same time I know I’m a nice person, but how far will that go?

How do I explain?

Pictures will come soon… I just don’t feel like coding and uploading them at this moment.

Was AMAZING.

And so…
Britney and I drove to Oklahoma City to see a crust band by the name of “Fleas and Lice” on Friday night. We crashed over at Conner’s house, along with a bunch of other punky kids (a couple from my area that I am aquatinted with). I enjoyed it, ALOT. We didn’t actually see this band, everyone was piss drunk and started fights before they came on set, so we all left before the end of the show.
Then we drove back to Dallas the following day, where “Fleas and Lice” performed, so we saw them again. Britney got kicked out because the girl who worked the door saw her washing the under age X’s off her hands in the bathroom. Meanwhile - I jammed the night away.
Then, drove to Austin the next day (Sunday) and saw the band again. A couple of squatter kids asked me to drive them there, and I wanted to keep going… so it was spur of the moment. The door man didn’t let us in because he saw us drinking PBR infront of the club, but our friend (who I brought along) was able to contact the venue manager, and we got in.
So, Austin was my third night in a row to take part in drunken moshing.

Britney had a bath in Oklahoma, I - on the other hand… went those 3 days without any showers. I have never stunk so bad in my life… I never even took my pants off the entire time. I did wear a different shirt for the Dallas show, but put my KMFDM shirt back on for Austin after wearing it in OKC. By the time we got home on monday we looked like the worse case of squatter girl/ sewer rats.

hahaa. This pic is from when we got back.

Then, Britney punched some guy in OKC. Then in Austin she punched a parking meter.

And apparently the back of my truck doubles as a trash can.

In OKC… infront of Conner’s house.

I wish I could have kept going across the country to shows…

I’ve been in a funk for so long, and in the first time in many months I can taste a strange sense of security… and last weekend really helped.
The rituals that go on in my head for when I feel impending panic attacks have slightly worn off, and now I really feel that I have found my place in life - not entirely, but I’m a step closer.

When I go to shows, I feel panicked…. in that I am scared that something, anything can go wrong…. whether it’s someone being raped, hurt, arrested… but this weekend, I felt that kind of “impending doom” anxiety… but it did not fester severely as it usually does.

Maybe this is the beginning of the old Beth coming back?

Then, we’re going to Kansas for a festival.
And I’m the driver… but there is drama between everyone… but me. Personally, I want to take every person who can go, as I want to have a good time, with many people… many characters.
I don’t have drama with anyone, perhaps slight drama, but nothing that would interfer. I just want to take everyone. I just wish everyone would fucking get along!

I got out of high school 3 god damn years ago - I know I’ve started drama in my past and I feel bad, even dwell on it to the point where I can’t quite take it anymore. But all the drama I have caused was NOT INTENTIONAL. It’s usually because someone gets under my skin, and they knew they did…. or used me, and that’s why I dislike those I choose too.
But stupid, petty drama really pisses me off.

Petty HS bullshit is hard for me to tolerate. Bleh.

I love Blue Moon.

Oh! I got a hairless rat!

Britney suggested that I name her Labia… because she’s pink, hairless, and soft… but I didn’t like that. I decided on “Clit”… but then Brit mentioned the name “Beaver”. I liked that more, so now her name is Beaver.

She’s very nervous, but she’s young… it’s my job to introduce her to people and socialization so she will become a social rat.

Brandon had visited the city the weekend previous, but had to leave his motorcycle behind because it was having problems starting up. So last Friday night I agreed to drive down there with him and load his bike into the back of my pickup to bring her home.

So here he is, on his bike… in the back of my pickup. Click on for larger view.

Those scratches on the truck are from my previous post of when I got it stuck on the incline and scraped it along side a wall…

*ANYWAYS*
Austin was fabulous.

I went to Brandon’s brother’s house, met one of his room mates, and we drank beer and played Rock Band. I got into it, damn… that game is the shiznit. I played the bass, and it was damn easy.

Then we took a cab and went to 6th street in downtown. We went to some bar called “The Jackalope”, and apparently it wasn’t a very busy night, but to me… well, I was in bliss. Everyone was very nice and down to earth. Before long, after a couple double vodka and tonics and beers… I found myself asking strangers how the job market was, the best places to live, etc. I don’t plan on moving there, and never will… but it was damn fun. Every one was very nice to me, and I seemed to have much in common with all of them. The was just so many people all over the street and bands in every bar… oooh.

Then we walked through the street and Brandon pointed out the places he went before. I was feeling damn good and my cute red heels, and saying meaningless things to just-as-intoxicated-if-not-more strangers. I wanted to pet the mounted patrol horses, Brandon talked me out of it.

Then we caught a cab and went back to his brother’s house. It was over.
The guys loaded up the bike and we drove back the next day.

Well, a fun weekend!

Oklahoma City was pretty awesome. We just got back today around 3pm. I went with Britney and Cassandra… we saw 4 bands, and hung out with 2 guys who played in them. The 5 of us got a hotel room and hung out. Due to drama between others I’ve never met, we couldn’t go to a location where there was an after party. Which made me mad, but… the show made it worth it.

Drama is no bueno!!!!

I will go back. It was a very punk scene, and I’m not much of the punk fan… but I love going to the shows because the people are lots of fun. Although… I do like the heavier sounding punk. It’s grown on me very slowly these past months. It will never replace industrial, as that’s where my niche has always been. I just enjoy meeting new, different people and having fun with them.

And…. yes, I know I’m moderately fat, YES… I know I’m whiter then a diseased hermit. But here’s a photo I just took of the damage done to my legs from going to 3 shows in a period of 8 days…

I adjusted the brightness and contrast since the flash made it hard to see. The wound on my knee happened about 2 and half months ago, and somehow managed to reopen at the TOLAR show. Notice the hugeass bruise on the top of my left foot… I have no idea how that happened. My arms are pretty beaten up, and there’s a bunch on my back and ribs as well… but moshing is damn fun. I have a high tolerance for pain and when my adrenaline is going I tend not to feel anything.

However… huge, drunken, violent guys are the kind that keep me away from the pit.

I just remember twisting my ankle at the Citizen Fish/Millions of Dead Cops show… THAT SUCKED. I now make sure to wear steel-toed ankle boots whenever I go to crazy shows.
Speaking of - my Demonia boots… UGH… The sole ripped off at the Every time I Die show (which we missed half of because some website said it started at 8:30 when it actually started at 6… AHHHH, SO MAD) and I managed to find it amongst all the bodies of people. So now I’ve fixed it with duct tape - which is actually stylish. It was at this show I had asked a couple people to pick me up because I wanted to crowd surf… and well, being 150 lbs… I went about 5 feet and ended up landing on my ass and taking out a bunch of others who were unable to support me. But, eh… I was laughing my ass off the entire time. It also got me right up by the stage.

I crowd surfed at the Korn show back at my sophomore year of high school… must’ve traveled a good 30 feet because I was pretty much flying all over the place, doing backflips and frontflips atop a huge mass of people. But I was 130 lbs back then. I’ll get back down to that, I swear…

All these shows make me feel… uhm… for lack of a better word - BLISSFUL. It reminds me of high school, which are the days I’d love to go back to. It’s been distracting me from all the anxiety and bullshit I’m still trying to get over, caused by assholes.

Oh and…
Paula records assloads of videos, so all these were collected from her. It us, actually like… well.

Here’s Austin in one of my thongs… hahahaha!!

And then Amanda talking to me with her butt…

And then on a different day, Paula and I looking for the “2 Girls, 1 Cup” video to show to Brandon - who has NO IDEA what it is.. (I look like asscrack cause I’m not wearing makeup, dammit.. eh. Oh well.)

And then, we’re so excited because we finally found it, for free.

And here is Brandon’s reaction… Listen carefully and you can hear me coughing and gagging in the background because it’s so damn DISGUSTING.

HAHAHAHAAA!

<3 to Paula for recording so much of this.

I suppose this site has become more of a location to backup my files. I often find myself logging onto wordpress and typing up a post, but deciding against it because it’s not “good enough”.

I went to Hawaii for a week on a family vacation, it was amazing. I just wish I could drop everything here and start over in such a beautiful, wonderful place. It was such a marvellous escape (I am not exaggerating these words of astonishment - it’s literally a paradise island). It was the ultimate de-stressor. I most enjoyed hiking through the tropical forest, off the main path… through 3 feet of tall grass, through the rain, exploring the area with the false imagination that no man has stepped there before.

There was this one night we were driving back to our condo and my brother in-law nearly hit a feral pig. As soon as we got to the house I left in hopes of finding this pig, so off I go into the thick forest late at night, through intense fog and cold. It was such a creepy atmosphere but I loved it.
I never found the pig, but I think I heard him. It’s probably for the best, it could have been some nasty boar for all I knew.

This was up on a volcanic mountain on the Big Island, where it rained for 3 days solid. But we did spend the first half of the trip on the beaches of O’ahu. I had a great time there as well, but being on the sunny beach in a swimsuit isn’t quite my thing. Snorkelling was awesome, I couldn’t see a damn thing without my contacts or glasses on but I saw faint outlines of large tortoises and colourful fish.

Europe was better, but Hawaii is defiantly a place of ultimate relaxation. Even with my mother around bitching at me I still found time to wash away all my stress.

Oh, and jail was pretty shitty. They kept me in the booking area on a plastic chair for 50 hours. I lost my mind around 30, yelled at the idiot guards demanding why I had not been sent upstairs to a pod where I’d have myself a mat and bed. For those first 50 I got about 4 hours of sleep (because sleeping in a chair, when unable to put your feet up is near impossible). I literally felt drunk from the lack of sleep. So when they sent me upstairs I spent those final 22 hours mostly sleeping. That part wasn’t too bad, it almost felt like a vacation.
Except they just had to put me in a cell with some crackhead. God she was messed up. She told me all these stories about her life and I’m thinking to myself that all of this cannot be true, she messed herself up on drugs and most likely made these little adventures up in her head, and actually thinks they really did happen. Completely lost touch with reality. She even told me she’s had staph infections on her labia, which pretty much freaked me out.

So yeah, I still have island fever and would very much love to go back to Hawaii.

I’ve got millions of photos, which I’ll get on here one day. My shit Compaq isn’t booting up and that’s what I have my photo editing programs on… I really need to get Adobe on this Mac.