BethTrippin.com

I figure I’m in due time to update this lameass blog.

I’m still in Austin Texas; whether it is a mental breakdown that keeps me away from Dallas -  I am not sure - but I have a bad habit of leaving homebase for several months and fucking off and drinking…. or well, I still drank my ass off whilst living in Dallas/Fort Worth…. I just enjoy meeting new folks in new environments.

I intend to head to Colorado soon; we plan to rubbertramp our asses up there since I crave seeing mountains again; and moreso seeing new people. It’s already here, in Austin Texas that I have met so many awesome folks that I do not want to leave, though I want to have some kind of change of environment - I guess I cannot find myself properly and choose to drink and run away from everything. I cannot explain this certain breaking point; however alcohol is a huge influence. I often wish I could just be normal.

The past week I’ve been going through problems with my innerds - I might only be 22 but I’ve been drinking for many years and perhaps it is finally catching up with me.  I don’t keep track of how much I drink; as after 10 beers I binge. My buddy hooked me up with antibiotics… I think I have a kidney infection. I’ve had bladder and urinary infections, but this is different. My back hurts like a motherfuck and peeing is hell. I find myself waking up every hour of the night in pain and I feel that my body is near bout to explode.

I need to slow down.

As I type this at this moment I am sucking on my beautiful bottle of Old Crow.

Is this a demise of Beth? Or simple a quarter-life crisis?

I cannot foretell the future; I understand I am immature and irresponsible - but I’m one lost individual and I choose to drink my ass off to escape how much I have fucked up. Alcohol is the solution yet the cause of all problems.

I enjoy those I currently am around; I feel that I have folks who enjoy my company… and the reason for that is that I just want to be liked. All humans want to be liked.

I met this swell felllow; Harvey ; he’s a very talented tattoo artist. He did a piece of one of my ferrets on my calf. We’ve been hanging out for weeks now; living together with other buddies.
New places. New faces; I love it. I enjoy meeting new folks.

Well, I’m getting drunker as I get further into this blog, so I must quit typing.

I’m blowing my car up and faking my death. I hate everything.

Yeah I’m alive.
… Whether that’s good or bad; I’m unsure.

A lot has happened, lost another job, met a guy (no idea where that’s going but I’m just taking it as it comes - after all; men = greatness, then quickly followed by hell and further loneliness). Been going to many punk/metal shows, denounced 4 people as friends in the past month (3 of which because drugs and I’m not going to see them go down like so many others; and I’ve been there, lost my first two apartments because of that and much of my sanity) and another because of that guy I mentioned previously (makes no sense; she’s just crazy).

I’ve been drunk for the past 4 years or so but it comes in phases, and the past 3 months has literally been nonstop. I mean, I do manage not to drink during the day, but once 6pm comes around I get very shaky and antsy and that leads me to a drink, then to another, and about 10 more following that. Otherwise I just get jumpy, my vision slightly looses itself; and forget trying to sleep, the paralysis gets horrendous.
The drama involving several folks has pretty much set me in a bad mind-set and my depression is kicking in again. Or, well. I think I’m always depressed. I just like to try to keep myself distracted.
I’ve also had a bad habit these past many months of not going home. I go out, and pretty much couch surf between multiple friend’s apartments and get drunk as piss night after night. I hate coming home, it just makes me feel guilty to be sitting in my sister’s house because I cannot get my life together. I also hate the fact that when my parents come in town I feel like I’m of no importance - and sure, it is my fault, I’ve always ben a very complicated child. But as of now, I almost feel no bond with my family (besides my sister, whom I feel is slowly getting tired of putting up with me).

Hell. Fuck it. It could always be worse. That’s my life motto. Has been for many years. And when I do come home, I enjoy lying on my floor playing with the ferrets.

Damn, who woulda thought vodka and mango V8 Splash was a damn good combination.

If someone could just create a tele-porter; please contact me. I’m interested in being a guinea pig. Send me to an uninhabited island with nothing but horses and rolling hills with rocky cliffs and waterfalls.

Oh and I just remembered to mention, I got a letter in the mail today with was rather humorous. Texas has this whole ‘Don’t Mess with Texas’ campaign; which… previously… thought it was just some random road-signs that tax payers paid for. BUT - this letter I received had a notice saying that I was witnessed throwing a cigarette butt out of my car on October 5th 2009 at 7am and a civilian turned me in. The letter even has my plate number on it, make and model of my car, and the location of which this occurred at.
What boggles my mind is the fact that some dumbass tree-hugging hippie would go as far as to call the ‘Report a Litterer’ program for a mother fucking cigarette butt. Ridiculous.

Move to an Indian slum. Then call ‘Report a Litterer’ and see how many laughs you get. Jesus Christ. The letter they sent me probably used just as much resources as a fucking cig butt that’ll bio-degenerate in 10 years anyway.

People are so fucking retarded. All they want to do is start problems. There’s such a select few who actually care and want to have a good time.

Hacking up lung butter and coughing my ass off. Cigarettes taste like shit.

Oh how I love being sick.

But I’m still going out tomorrow.

And btw - Assassin’s Creed 2 is fucking awesome. A million times better then the first.

I keep getting drunk and doing stupid things amongst folks I hang out with.

Given some time I’m going to fuck up everything if I don’t get my shit together. I hate beer.

I think I’m just going to seclude myself in my bat-cave for a few days. I don’t particularly want to, but I need to calm down and get some rest. My phone is broken anyway so nobody can contact me. I also have a new job, today was my second day and I’m lovin it. It’s at a video game store; so it’s perfect and very easy. Tomorrow will be an 11 hour shift because Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 comes out at midnight. Oh joy…

I also dreamt the other day that I got to be part of a camera crew for a porn; but it was The Simpsons.. , and everything was flooded because of a hurricane… and jesus showed up… Uhm. Yeah. Makes no sense.

I rarely get comments these days that don’t involve Viagra or Russian spam; but it’s been about 2 weeks since I last checked this shit and I actually had two that were made from humans. I emailed one of the gals back, and then there was this one that I find thoughtful. Thanks person whomever you are. You should leave me an email address or myspace url so I can get back to ya.

My damn Macbook had some kind of stroke and won’t turn on now.. well; she turns on but stays on this floresent blue screen and doesn’t boot-up from there. Fuck my life. I intend to take her to the apple store to find out exactly what’s going on, but I’m sure it will involve me spending a asscrap of money to fix. I’m worried that it could be the harddrive; I have all my music on my ipod (which I seriously need to backup NOW before that MF fails on me just as all electonics do) and many photos uploaded on this server - but there are still things on the comp that mean the world to me (such as numorous videos of my deceased friend). I just refuse to think about it because it makes me want to bomb apple inc.

I’ve also been partying moreso in Bedford; I ended up calling in sick for work one day and then not calling nor showing another day last week. That cannot happen again, I will loose my job and once more I’ll be in a world of depression self-hatred shit. I’m really back on the alcohol again, that too must stop. However, willpower is just some word I cannot fathom. Everyday I clock out at work and drive home I have the hardest time keeping my mind set on just going to the house and not pulling into a convience store to buy booze. 95% of the time I fail. 80% of that I end up drunk as shit and get 3 hours of sleep and somehow manage to make to work at 6am still drunk and hating it. It really has nothing to do with having fun anymore; but just this weird pull of having my mind someplace other then ‘normal’.

Well. It’s only up to me to do anything about it, yet here I am - have had 8 beers and gotta get up at 6am tomorrow. I’m not ‘drunk’, but am buzzing slightly. Oh fuckkkk.
Why me? Is there any REAL explanation for this? I got piss drunk last night, and 4 nights last week. Shouldn’t that be enough?! My sister and her bf even hide their beer in her car, which is fuckin pathetic. Sheesh.

As for the whole Bedford party-hardy times, I think those folks are all sick of me. I need to be caged.

Yeah, well. I must get some sleep.

Well, it appears that the dns server switch did not affect this pages’ view ability. Good. Thank god.

But, better yet - my mac won’t boot up! YAY FOR ME! Everything is just fucking peachy!

When I turn it on, it just stays on it’s blue load-up screen. I’ve removed the battery, cleaned it, let it sit on charge for several hours… everything. And it’s still being a chut. ARGH.
I don’t want to think about it. If I lose everything on there…

ANYWAYS. Before I break something -

El Paso was marvelous. I also went to Cloudcroft New Mexico, which was also marvelous (being that it was 55 degrees there).
The first night in my hometown kind of sucked. It was nice seeing everyone, but for some weird reason Sunshine is now friends with some retards and they pretty much made things shitty. You would think these guys have never seen women, or alcohol before - and they’re mothers must have done a crapass job raising them. I ultimately ended up kicking one of them in the face the following day, hell… he deserved it. I’m only mad at myself for not kicking him harder…grr. I’m not a fucking object and if your not going to listen to me I’m going to get my point across no matter what. So don’t put your goddamn hands on me you disgusting air force pervert. Some men need to be castrated (no, ALL).

The second night was much better, I saw an old friend whom I haven’t seen in years. I got pretty sloshed at the bar and then we went to Zee’s house - which fucking sucked. It was techno music with a bunch of rolling coked out morons all around the age of 16. Yes… I used to do the same thing, but now looking back.. man I was such an idiot.

The third night was much better. We went to a karaoke bar, just us four girls. We ended up running into old friends there, went to their apartment.. shot the shit and had more drinks, and passed out on her couch. The karaoke bar was awesome, especially fat dudes who sing and dance and actually make funny jokes that everyone laughs at.
AND!… I saw my first crush there, hahaha. About 11 years later, and he’s overweight and balding!!! AWESOME. He was such an asshole to me, I’ll never forget the night I called him whilst at a slumber party and he asked me if I started my period yet. I tell you, that ruined my entire future. I’ve hated guys ever since.

It was also nice seeing my folks. Dad is doing great, apparently that operation in Phoenix was exactly what he needed.

I also bought a ‘Wired’ magazine and read it the whole flight back, I’m surprised that I’ve never read these before. I really liked it, and so I ordered a subscription. I need to start learning new things because I find myself getting stupider.

I work tomorrow at 6am. I’m cranky as fuck. I’m hungover. God damn my life. Back to dieting and alcohol portioning. And my computer is busted. I’m also suffering badly from Fallout 3 withdrawls.. I’ve already got the ps3 booted and I’m sitting right in front of it ready to kick some mutant ass.

I’m finally going home, it has been over a year since I’ve last been there and feels much longer. I just cannot wait to see all my old friends; it’s nice seeing my parents too.. sort of. Though they do a damn good job at making me feel like shit.

I also got an email from this website’s hosting server and there is going to be a dns change. This presents a problem.
The laptop I had all my domain information was stolen about 3 years ago, so I can’t remember where I registered this domain, or any information (password, username, etc).
Possibly when they make the change this site will just redirect to my registrar, but then.. I’m not sure.
The switch will be tomorrow, so expect this place to offline for a minute.

Work has been pissing me off lately. Customers are complete idiots, and one of the shift-leads really gets under my skin and makes me want to go crazy. She’s demanding as fuck, has the loudest Starbuckslike voice and comes off as really fake. She tells me what to do, which I’m totally fine with (being that I’m under her) but it’s just constant. She asks me to sweep; which I already know do WITHOUT someone telling me too, and the second I’m done she tells me to take out the trash, and so forth. Really, I’m not an idiot. I know what needs to be done. It’s only when it is something new I’ll have to be told to do it, and even then I can figure it out on my own. She also apologizes to me about 3 times a day for her bitching, and the first few days it was alright but now I’m tired of it.. seriously, I don’t believe in apologizes if they are constantly being made.
But it’s not making me want to quit or anything, it just gets annoying. This place is so scattered, but I guess it’s normal for anyone who has ever worked at a starbucks to think all other places are messy.

I got off pretty early - around noon, came home and took a 6 hour nap. So now it’s 1:11am and I’m up, argh. I hate it when I’m up past 11:00 now.
And I did pretty shitty today as far as my diet. I stuck to all the low-cal low-fat stuff but ended up eating ALOT of it. Dammit. Now I just feel like shit and bloated.
I’ve also been fucking up lately with alcohol. Dammit. Dammit Dammit. I thought I was over all that.. I ended up having a few on sunday and was hungover as shit when I went to work the next morning. And then I had a bunch last night.. I went by a friend’s house and she had some vodka and a beer. She offered. I hesitated but gave in. This turned into me buying a 6 pack and knocking those back once I got back to my house. So again, I was hungover as shit when I got to work, and I was also 20 minutes late. I called to tell them I was going to be late but that bitch of a coworker got on the phone, I told her and she just hung up on me (UGH).

I don’t get it. I go on a diet, get positive about myself; only to go back to my drunken fatty ways. It seems to go in about 3 month intervals. And this bullshit has been going on for years, I’m so tired of it. What’s wrong with me?

I’m excited about visiting home but at the same time I am scared. I hate that I know that I cannot control myself. Willpower has left the building once I have a single beer, and my social anxieties make it damn near impossible to not drink when I’m hanging out with people.

I dug up some old posts from years ago. It’s always so depressing to read the things I wrote back when I was a kid.. I stil never really read any of my old journals anymore. It just makes me feel like crap.

I found a survey I took back in september of 01′ (must have been around 13 or 14 years old).
1.) Name one person you regret dating.
Derrek, he has messed up my mind. Now I rather not have another relationship
Looking back, Derrek didn’t do a damn thing to me.
2.) Name one person you can do without in your life.
Derrek
3.) Name one person of the same sex that you would kiss if you were unattached.
huh?
4.) Name one celebrity star that you find hot.
Heath Ledger, Josh Hartnett, Mark McGrath
HAHA! I can’t believe I put Mark McGrath on there, and it’s funny that I’m STILL obsessed with Heath Ledger
5.) Name one LJer that you find hot.
What is an LJer?
6.) Name one city that you find most appealing.
Parker, Colorado. It’s total horse country and it’s so green
7.) Favorite piece of jewelry?
turquiose necklace from Grandma
Lost it YEARS ago.
8.) Favorite piece of clothing?
(Jeans and A 80s cartoon T-shirt (Rainbow brite, My Little Pony, Etc..)
That was all I wore when I was that age
9.) Favorite place to be?
at the stables with my horse, or at home
That’s depressing as all hell, since I have not had horses in about 2 years now. All my fault, and not a day goes by that I wish I could just ride again.
10.) Favorite person to be with?
my horse (he is considered a person to me)
11.) What’s one regret that you have in life?
I can’t think of any right now..
That’s because I didn’t have any regrets back then
12.) Name one part of your body that you dislike most.
my skin
That’s no longer a problem. The teenage acne is mostly gone now, heh. Now I’m just fat!
13.) Name one part of your body that you love most.
my eyes
14.) What’s one thing you would like to do before you die?
Travel to beautiful places
One can never do enough traveling, but I did quite a bit and I do say I have now been to gorgeous countries
15.) What’s one thing you enjoy doing during your free time?
Working on my site, or riding
Nowadays - it’s drinking with friends or playing video games. I’ve gone from being a productive person to a lazy drunk.
16.) Which one person you’d like to meet (celebrity or not).
Heath Ledger
17.) Which one thing that you like to own someday.
Hanavarion Warmblood
Well, that happened, but I screwed it up.
18.) Which one goal that you’d like to achieve.
Make it far in my riding, like going to the Olympics
Ok I just want to cry now
19.) What’s your most favorite memory?
Galloping Synder through the alfafa feilds, with my old friends
Still my all time favorite memory
20.) What’s one memory that you would like to erase?
Agreeing to go out with Derrek
Wow I can’t believe I had such a problem with that guy, he did nothing wrong to me!

January 2002…
I made 2 new friends today! yay!!! One of them is this gothic chic and she’s awesome. I like gothic people, and heavy rocker people. They are cool. And I met a good friend of Brian’s, his name is Christian and we talked about video games and NIN in class today. He is such a sweetie!! omg!! He is just sooooo nice!

I hate posers. I cannot stand them, I’ve had enough of them. Roybn wore a punk outfit today - which is odd because she’s a teenbopper prep thing. Punk isn’t a fashion.. it’s in your blood. Fucking moron. As my best friend Andrea says, your only punk when monkeys start flying out of my butthole
*inside joke* lol!

——————————-

Haha! Wow.

I wish I had a my graphics I used to make for my past websites. I never backed them up, and when Matt stole my laptop a couple years back I lost everything. I ony wish I had them for memory sake, and I would like to have been able to improve them.
I’m really considering getting back into design, and redoing this page to make it more like what my sites once were. It’s just that I have forgotten so much as far as html, php, and photoshop… it’s probably been around 3 years since I last experimented with any of it.
Hm.. Well folks. I think it’s about time for me to step it up, I’m sure I still have some creativity hidden somewhere in my head.

FINALLY.

I start tomorrow. I don’t want to say where on here, just for privacy, but it’s a bagel/breakfast restaurant. I think it’ll be alright, it reminds me a Starbucks and that was a pretty cool job. It’s just that I might have to work early mornings… ick.

I also hung out with an old friend the other day and went to a rave. Sheesh, now I know why I haven’t been to one of those in about a year. Kids dressed up as idiots, with neon lights and geetered off their asses really makes me hate being a human and frightened about the future. So I drank, a bit too much… but it was the only way I was going to be able to tolerate anything. I probably made an ass of myself, but then.. everyone else was acting pretty stupid as well. The kids were nice at least, dumb.. but weren’t mean to me.

Even though I napped most of yesterday I managed to maintain my new ‘normal’ sleep schedule. I woke this morning around 9am. Now I need to go shopping for work clothes.

Megan wants a millionaire is fucking retarded, this is an insult to women everywhere and a total step back in feminism. Gosh. I think I’m the only girl in the world who demands to go dutch with a guy on everything.

I went to Walmart to make a run for food. I FUCKING HATE THAT PLACE. I would choose to go somewhere else, but albertson’s is noticeably much more expensive, and walmart has pretty good deals. THERE’S SO MANY STUPID PEOPLE SHOPPING THERE.

Why is it that 5 people have to walk side-by-side down the parking lot aisle, leaving you driving slow as shit behind them? I’m a nice person, and I get pissed quietly and don’t do anything about it. But I swear, NEXT time I’m going to get right up on their ass and blast my horn. …. (haha, that came out funny).

After moving to the Dallas/Fort Worth area, one of the first things I noticed was how people would cross in front of the store without even looking or stopping, expecting the drivers to stop for them. This never happened in El Paso, the pedestrians would be the ones stopping and making sure it’s clear before walking, otherwise they’d likely get hit.

AND then the iggits who have to leave their damn shopping carts in the middle of the shopping aisle, walk about 20 feet and spend a hour figuring out what to buy… then your coming along and have to push their damn cart out of the way so that you can get through.

AND not the mention the people who take up the whole shopping aisle and walk slow as hell.

sheeeeesh.

At least it wasn’t a friday or saturday evening. I avoid Walmart like a plague on these days.

Today was rough.

Well. Everyday. Fucking. Sucks.
UGH

I don’t think I’ve left the house in 3 days, or even changed my clothes for that matter. I don’t even remember the last time I’ve showered or put on makeup (well no, I dressed up for VNV Nation a little over a week ago). It’s like life is just this stupid existence and I’m just wasting time (or buying time) by playing video games, watching the discovery channel, and playing with my ferrets. I’ve been falling asleep around 5pm and waking around midnight. I want a job, badly. But nobody is hiring me. I SHOULD be putting 5 applications in each day, but I don’t. I find it hard just to simply roll out of bed, and after being constantly discouraged after every interview or application process, and the call-backs and denials - UGH.

And the sick thing is that this BULLSHIT depression has been going on since I was fucking 14. I think it only stopped when mom and dad put me on drugs when I was 15 - 16. Perhaps I ought to try the whole shrink thing again for 3287281 time and get put back on meds. It’s obviously not some ‘funk’; I don’t think ‘funks’ last 8 years.

I’m not bitching or leaving a suicide note, but I really need to do something. I honestly cannot go on like this, it’s slowly making me batshit crazy. I need to stop disliking the world and myself and have some motivation, stop living in this stupid fear. Hell, I don’t know. It’s so much easier said then done. It’s like I have some kind of retardation in my brain that doesn’t allow me to get off my ass and stop dwelling on life being shitty. When people criticize me for thinking this way, it just makes it worse by further angering me and adding onto my guilt. I feel that nobody understands a damn thing.

If only this whole job thing wasn’t so difficult. A job doesn’t just mean more income, but self-appreciation, a reason to get up everyday and not feel like everyone is against me. It would distract me from thinking so damn much. It would help decrease the ridiculous amount of guilt I have.

I don’t even want to go out anymore, I prefer being alone. Maybe I’m finally getting over the whole ‘party Beth’ mentality and am ready to grow the fuck up. Or maybe I’m scared to go out, scared of judgement and my inability to control my drinking and my actions when I am drunk. I’m also tired of stupid people, I mean - as far as stupidity is concerned I admit I’m probably the queen of bad-choices… but people just annoy me these days. We’re all fucking selfish. I’m tired of assholes who don’t even know me giving me stink eyes, making fun of me, making assumptions. Sheesh. And I know I’m the last person on earth who complicates things by being assertive when it comes to these kinds of folks, if someone doesn’t like me I usually try to talk to them and find a common interest. Maybe because I’ve been picked on a lot, but I know aggressive people are only like that because, they too, are hurting. Eh, I just suck badly with social skills, I didn’t have much friends as a kid. I spent most of my time with horses, I think they are much more tolerable.

I’m going to visit El Paso and my parents in about a month, I’m seriously considering having a discussion about school. I want to go, badly. I need to do something about my future, and with this whole recession and the job market being all jacked up, going to school would probably be a good idea. By the time I get a degree maybe the economy will have fixed itself (or I just tell myself that, but a large part of me thinks it’s just going to get worse). I want to major in vet-tech (pre-vet at West Texas A&M was fucking HARD, but I think being a technician would be a piece of cake).

So yeah. Enough with the ‘woe is me’ bullshit.

……………………………

(I posted this on myspace, and am just cross-posting it onto here…).

So I had a dream the other night that I was in my old elementary school in el paso, having a drink at the water fountain. A chubby little Mexican boy in a suit walked up and wouldn’t stop pestering me, so I sprayed him with water.

He ran off crying, and the next thing that happens is his mariachi dad shows up and chases me, threatening to beat me with his guitarron. He kept yelling at me how I was going to have to pay for that suit - all in spanish, but I don’t know spanish… so I guess I made up some weird spanish-​sounding language for this dream.

I’ve heard that our dreams represent what are deep thoughts are.

Whoever said that doesn’t know what the hell they’re talking about.

He hasn’t called me for over a fuckin week, which he does a lot (even once as long as 4 weeks) so I give up.

But go figure, I’m not housing and feeding him anymore so it only makes sense he finds me too useless to call.

So, after a little over a year I’m single. Again.

I hate men. I’m not touching one, kissing one, nor even looking at one anymore. They are all selfish, fake users who are only opportunists. I have a vibrator. He works just fine, if not better. And I’ll daydream about Heath Ledger, whom is dead… but all men are to me anyways.

And in other news - I saw VNV Nation last night. IT WAS AMAZING.
I cried. Twice. haha

Kmfdm is coming in october!!! EEE!

So it’s 5am and I find myself unable to sleep, as usual. I’m tired and can’t stop yawning, but still lay in bed waiting.

Instead I’ve been looking at dumb shit on the internet. Video game walkthroughs on youtube, in particular. I felt like having a moment of nostalgia and watched one of Wolfenstein 3d, which made me warm and fuzzy inside because I remember playing the hell out of that back when I was a kid. Apparently they have released it for PS3, exactly how it was back in the day. I’d like to get that and replay it again.

And you cannot forget -

FUCKING JILL OF THE JUNGLE.

Hell yeah, I was surprised to find that on there and damn happy because I haven’t seen this since I was like, 6. Sheesh, I was 4 when it came out (1991). And this dude playing it was a shitton better then I was. I always had a hard time figuring things out on that game.
Now I know where my Tomb Raider addiction came from. It had to start with Jill.

I also watched a brief clip of Fallout 3, and immediately bought it online. It looks badass, I want to keep watching the walkthrough but don’t want to ruin it for when I play. I also really want Bioshock, but I decided on Fallout 3 instead. I also want the Orange Box, I haven’t played Half-Life in forever and am ready to do so again. I love post apocalyptic shit.

God dammit, I just want everything. I want every game out there so I can be happily a hermit and never have to leave my house. ever again.

I’ve also started trying to play Assassin’s Creed again. I’ve got a little further but I find it so damn hard to get into.

So I got bored.
And I am semi-drunk at the moment.

I decided them good ole’ internet archives.

I looked at my past websites…
utopist.org
orinoco.nu
jambled.nu

And damn, I was a moron in those days.

I really hoped the graphics would show up, but they don’t… I once had all my art saved on a notebook computer but it was stolen; I lost them.

Blah