BethTrippin.com

Yeah I’m alive.
… Whether that’s good or bad; I’m unsure.

A lot has happened, lost another job, met a guy (no idea where that’s going but I’m just taking it as it comes - after all; men = greatness, then quickly followed by hell and further loneliness). Been going to many punk/metal shows, denounced 4 people as friends in the past month (3 of which because drugs and I’m not going to see them go down like so many others; and I’ve been there, lost my first two apartments because of that and much of my sanity) and another because of that guy I mentioned previously (makes no sense; she’s just crazy).

I’ve been drunk for the past 4 years or so but it comes in phases, and the past 3 months has literally been nonstop. I mean, I do manage not to drink during the day, but once 6pm comes around I get very shaky and antsy and that leads me to a drink, then to another, and about 10 more following that. Otherwise I just get jumpy, my vision slightly looses itself; and forget trying to sleep, the paralysis gets horrendous.
The drama involving several folks has pretty much set me in a bad mind-set and my depression is kicking in again. Or, well. I think I’m always depressed. I just like to try to keep myself distracted.
I’ve also had a bad habit these past many months of not going home. I go out, and pretty much couch surf between multiple friend’s apartments and get drunk as piss night after night. I hate coming home, it just makes me feel guilty to be sitting in my sister’s house because I cannot get my life together. I also hate the fact that when my parents come in town I feel like I’m of no importance - and sure, it is my fault, I’ve always ben a very complicated child. But as of now, I almost feel no bond with my family (besides my sister, whom I feel is slowly getting tired of putting up with me).

Hell. Fuck it. It could always be worse. That’s my life motto. Has been for many years. And when I do come home, I enjoy lying on my floor playing with the ferrets.

Damn, who woulda thought vodka and mango V8 Splash was a damn good combination.

If someone could just create a tele-porter; please contact me. I’m interested in being a guinea pig. Send me to an uninhabited island with nothing but horses and rolling hills with rocky cliffs and waterfalls.

Oh and I just remembered to mention, I got a letter in the mail today with was rather humorous. Texas has this whole ‘Don’t Mess with Texas’ campaign; which… previously… thought it was just some random road-signs that tax payers paid for. BUT - this letter I received had a notice saying that I was witnessed throwing a cigarette butt out of my car on October 5th 2009 at 7am and a civilian turned me in. The letter even has my plate number on it, make and model of my car, and the location of which this occurred at.
What boggles my mind is the fact that some dumbass tree-hugging hippie would go as far as to call the ‘Report a Litterer’ program for a mother fucking cigarette butt. Ridiculous.

Move to an Indian slum. Then call ‘Report a Litterer’ and see how many laughs you get. Jesus Christ. The letter they sent me probably used just as much resources as a fucking cig butt that’ll bio-degenerate in 10 years anyway.

People are so fucking retarded. All they want to do is start problems. There’s such a select few who actually care and want to have a good time.

I keep getting the worse nightmares about my ex and it’s been really causing me to stress out and loose sleep. Ugh.

So I’m going to say some things about him that I’ve never spoke on here about before. I can’t hold it all in any longer, and I’ve told everyone else about all the psychotic bullshit (well… not all, I’ll die with several secrets…) he put me through. So this isn’t an instant news flash to those who actually know him.

Matt tortured the ferrets, which is how Aisha died… she lost the will to live and quit eating. And Oi broke his leg because… well, the sick basterd threw him against the wall. He covered it up by saying he dropped him, but about a day later he told me the truth, along with that he has always had problems with torturing small animals.
And just to think, that day I took Oi to the vet and had him put to sleep, I came home and found blood on the walls and bathroom sink, but thought nothing of it.

How could a person….? HOW??

The reason I bring this up is because I’ve had many nightmares the past few weeks of Matt killing the ferrets, very graphic and detailed… like butchering them infront of me, drowning them in the bathtub, throwing them… God.

I never saw what he did to them, but when he told me I started sleeping on the couch, right next to the cage - which was where I slept for those last couple months we lived together. I was the dumb, infatuated little girl who still kept this psychotic looser in my home. He never harmed them again, and I know he didn’t… because Maynard was never abused, I can tell. Indica… she’s getting much better, but still panics when I hold her close to my face and gets upset if she wants to be put down. And once I moved out of that apartment she put on a lot of weight and started playing more. Today, she’s happy. She bounces around just like any normal ferret, attacks my feet and often climbs up on the couch as I’m sitting on it, and likes to be in my lap. I’m sure there’s still pain from her past… and just like me, she survived that psycho’s wrath.

Matt also cheated on me several times, stole my property for drug money… would beg me… using his manipulation skills (”I love you so much, YADA YADA YADA…”) to buy him drugs, steal money or my debit/credit cards from my purse, steal my car… all for the sake of drugs. He’d invite looser, asshole, drug addicts to my home (even when I was trying to stay clean) after I’d beg him not to let them come over. And they too, stole a lot of my property.

I even called the damn cops on him the second time I threw him out, because the first time he broke the door frame.

He only lived with me and pretended to love me because… of free drugs, and free food and shelter.

And for last half of the relationship, I knew it, I knew what was going on… but I put myself in denial. I figured that if he could pretend to love me, I could pretend that everything was okay. I was also very much under the influence of drugs for the first half of our relationship, and it wasn’t until I went clean that I realized what the hell was going on.

And it doesn’t end just there. But I’ll keep the rest silent.

The reasons for this post… I have been single, and clean for 7 months. And I am still plagued by all the bullshit that happened when that piece-of-shit-little-boy was in my life and the people I was associating with during that time (but MOSTLY him).

Never again could a trust a person. It’s still hard to fathom how people can be so immoral, selfish… how can someone go through like with no empathy? I just don’t understand it.

Mattew Stephan Schroeder. I will throw a party the day you die, because there’s one less worthless person out there, one less harming others. Psychotic master manipulator who hunts on the naive.

My anxiety levels aren’t quite as bad as before, but not a day goes by that I feel guilty for putting myself through all that hell… Everyday I feel like I’m going to loose my mind. And I think I have somewhat…
I’m scared. I’m always, always… paranoid, and scared. I’m so fucking tired of worrying about everything. Where did my inner-peace go?

Why can’t I just let it all go? I learned from it, but it was just all so traumatic, especially for a person like me who has never faced much difficulty in my life.

Tonight, I’ve decided… I’m going to take that first step, and try my damn hardest to live on without letting that past torment me. And now with the knowledge I have, I will never let myself go down that path ever again.

I’ve also made many new friends, who are GOOD people. Just the kind from home, and I love them all. I love being with safe, considerate people. I feel blessed to have met them.

I’m 20 years old.

Been to college twice (a University and then Community), dropped out both times.

Have never held a job longer then 5 months.

Been medically diagnosed with depression for the past 6 years.

Am STILL recovering from heavy drugs and an abusive relationship.

Every day, my mind screams: “FUCK UP!“.

I know this sounds very extreme, and may seem as a cry for help… but I don’t need any help. I get it, and yet it’s still never enough…
But if I had no family, no friends…. I see no reason for existing anymore.

I am so tired of this stress, this anxiety, EVERYTHING.
All I can do is surround myself with my pets, friends, and alcohol.

I just watch Discovery Health about people with AIDS and Cancer to reassure myself that things could always be worse.

When I am upset, sick of my life, my fucked up relationship with Matt, the death of Adam, my guilt, my self-hatred… my loneliness, I listen to Assemblage 23. And others… music is a huge relief.

Assemblage 23 - Anthem

We are born of stone
And etched by wind
Cast aside to live or die
We are the pawns in our own game

Like refugees
Of silent wars
We step on ever-shifting ground
Promoting what we undermine

For countless days
We walked alone
Directionless and vulnerable
Sitting targets wearing smiles

No one of us will go unscathed
By private battles we have braved
A vicious circle we have built
Constructed from our shame and guilt

The flags we wave
Are set afire
To warm the bones of infant dreams
Even as our present is set ablaze

The tinderbox
We sit upon
Decays in churning mists of fog
And crumbles down into the sea

No one of us will go unscathed
By private battles we have braved
A vicious circle we have built
Constructed from our shame and guilt

We lie embraced
In the arms of dawn
The fading echoes of pointless time
Statuettes of Ignorance

And even as
The clock hand sweeps
We pay no mind to where we are
Surely we’re not allowed to die

No one of us will go unscathed
By private battles we have braved
A vicious circle we have built
Constructed from our shame and guilt

Yesterday was very eventful.

So I get home after spending about 3 hours in Denton to discover someone had broken into my apartment via the back door. I walk in (dumb move, the thieves could’ve still been in there) and all my shit is missing… I mean, Everything. Thousands of dollars worth of stuff, all electronics.
I call up all the Movie Trading Companies in the area and give them a description of my Playstation 2, the games, and the movies (I have a Zelda sticker on the PS2). They tell me they’ll call me back if they get anyone with my shit.

I then call the police, and shortly thereafter an officer arrives at my place. I’m in the middle of telling him what all had happened and making a list of all my stolen property when he gets a call from his comrades down at The Movie Trading Company. He gets my number and heads to the store, telling me he’ll call if they find anything resembling my belongings.
Another 10 minutes go by and I recieve a call, and it’s the same officer asking me to come to the store and identify my things.

I’m pulling up to the store and the first thing I notice is Brandon’s car, and he’s sitting on the curb next to John. All my shit is in his car, some on the sidewalk. So they get arrested and they’re looking at a class 2 felony, which is equivalent to attempt of murder. Haha! However, the sick thing is that they’ll probabley be proud of it, and brag, and call themselves thugs and whatnot. But I want them to spend the rest of their lives with that on their record, so they will forever be known as felons.

HOW FUCKING RETARDED CAN A PERSON BE? I’m sure the smart thing to do after breaking into someone’s home and stealing everything is to go hide the property, not drive around with everything in the fuckin backseat while your trying to pawn it at a store only 5 minutes away!!! FUCKING DUMBASSES! And I know they’re all drugged up because that’s all they do, their a bunch of children. I’m sure Brandon has serious anger issues and is absent of any form of maturity, and when I got in an argument with him weeks ago he felt the need to strike back at me… and in their eyes, get money so they can get their crack, coke, xanax, ice, whatever…

I’m pissed beyond belief. I’m pressing charges, no matter if it costs money. They are going down. THEY BROKE INTO MY HOME, MY FUCKIN HOME!!! What loosers! If they need drug money so damn badly then why don’t they work for it like a decent, productive human being?!

And I’ve finally got rid of all of them because they were dragging me down, and their stupidness was rubbing off on me… and yet they just don’t go away! If there is any form of retaliation I swear, it’ll be all out war. I can make their lives a living hell. I now know how to protect myself. Their too fucked up on drugs and stupid to get what they want. I’ve been through enough bullshit this whole year and now I am like a stone. I want the rest of their posse of idiots to know that I’m smarter then them, and will take them all out if they dare interfer with my life. My life, that is now finally back on track and smooth. And it will remain this way. I will never return to that person I was for all those months. Never.

It’s just like the whole situation with my truck, when Joey stole it the cops did nothing. I found it. I went in and made millions of calls and did a good amount of detective work and found the damn thing.

They just need to throw all kids such as themselves onto an island with no food or fresh water and let them die. They’re useless.

Being on the topic of psychotic idiot children… Joe wasn’t found guilty for Yoyo’s death. They only got him for tampering with evidence, and he got a 6 year sentence. I’m furious about this. That’s not justice. But I don’t know what happened that night, so I can’t really say much about the subject. All I know is that Yoyo should still be alive today.

Readers, we are among a world of morons.

Adam would have had his 21st birthday yesterday. It would have been the greatest party, I would have drove all 800 miles to go to it no matter the circumstances.

Things are still sucking. My life switches from severe shit, to bad shit, and then just shit. Right now it’s just shit, so it’s not as bad as it has been previously. But for some reason it never gets out of any form of the shit.

But one of the single positive things that has happened is the end of my abdominal pains. It was there since mid april and suddenly went away about a week and a half ago and has not came back (yet). Excellent. It does happen briefly when something “bad” happens but at least it doesn’t linger for weeks at a time anymore. Perhaps it was just slight digestive problems caused by stress, and although I’m still extremely stressed out I guess my body got used to it or something. I’ve also been taking metabolism supplements (no - not the weight loss kind, these are more like vitamins) that Jeremy gave me. I’ve been taking 2 a day for the past month and they could have been the cure for my internal upset. I’m also madly addicted to V8, and that could be helping as well because I down half a gallon of that shit daily and it’s healthy shit. A change from Monster energy drinks, soda, and coffee.

I also saw a dentist for the first time in ages and apparently I have like, 20 cavities and an inflammatory bacteria in my gums. Which is pretty fucking disgusting if you ask me, but apparently 1 in 5 people have that. So I’m going to get that all fixed and most importantly, I’m getting my teeth whitened. Awsome. Now I can smile and not have to worry about what people think of my off-white teeth. Well, they aren’t badly yellow but whitening would be a definant plus. Damn cigarettes and caffine.

I had the most strangest dreams last night.

I somehow managed to fall alssep around 9pm. I had the weirdest dreams, strange enough to share because I have no idea where they came from and why my mind is thinking such things.

So I’m at a school (which is common in my dreams), and I bump into some large ogre-looking girl. It enrages her and she pursues a fight, but I dont want to fight her. She has one arm, just her right one… the left one being a peg at the shoulder. So she continues and beg me to fight her, and I refuse, and walk away. She starts chasing me. I start running, and am able to escape by hiding in the ladies rest room.

After I am able to get away, I find an old pair of my shoes… these converse I had back in high school that mother threw away without asking me. I don’t know why these shoes were there, but I’ve always held a dumb grudge against her for getting rid of them. I was so happy for finding them, and while I put them on the principle comes up to me. She bitches me out for ensueing a fight with a one-armed girl. I told her that I wasn’t the one wanting to fight, but she doesn’t believe me and puts me in ISS.

I also dream of friends, people I’ve never met or seen before, but am close too.

I woke up around 5am because of my painful abdomin and watched the biography of Ralph Fiennes. Then went back to sleep, dreaming of him. It was a nice dream, very erotic.

My stomach is still bugging the shit out of me. Once again it’s in my chest as well. Ugh. I hope it’s not an ulcer, it would make sense though. I haven’t exactly been taking care of myself and eating properly, and I’ve been through some bad emotional turmoil for so long. It could be nothing, but it hurts so damn much.

GOD.

So we got in a fight, he’s drunk. I’m pretty much getting there. But I’m being sensible. I’m being mature about it. I’m going to do the best I can, no matter how mad he may get, to save his life. He destroys the people around him, and then cries about it.

I used to have so much sympathy, “Oh, this poor man, he’s been through so much, I can’t help but pity him.“. But now it’s changed, I feel “Oh, this poor man, he’s so fucking retarded and selfish he can’t even make decent friends and have that kind of attachment because he cares only about his damned self and manipulates people to get his needs“. But then I see something else in him, something worth my effort to save. He’s the most DUMBEST and SMARTEST person I’ve ever met. It’s because of his smartness that I feel that I need to help, but then his dumbness takes over and hurts me more then he could ever fathom. He doesn’t even fucking realize what kind of pain he’d puttnig me through.

Sometimes I don’t know if it’s all an act to get what he wants, or if he’s actually being sincere.

I’ve learnd so much about socialogy in the past months, more then ever in my entire life. I’ve learned how people can truely SUCK. How people can be so cruel to satisfy themselves.

I used to be such a people-pleaser. All I cared about was making others happy and feel good. But now I’ve realized that the sacrafice for that is my own happiness. It’s not worth that.

I’m sounding hyprocritical, I lived to please, and I’m still there, however I’ve learned how people can be nothing but selfish, so now I’m being selfish in that I want to only care for myself for the sake of having that kind of future, a sense of security and feeling that finds truth in others.

Shit, it’s all very difficult to explain in words, but I’m trying my damn hardest to explain it. I hope to god my parents don’t visit this site.

It’s amazing what kind of influence people have on me. It’s fucking INSANE.
I just want to warn others who have not faced this kind of torment, to watch themselves. To be nice to others but not to the extent to where others can take you for granted.

Maturity is very important. I base it on myself, and I know I have my stupid, childish issues… but when there is a problem I feel that I must work thorugh it sensibly. Because in the end it’s so important to understand that your future is at stake, it’s something I’ve learned recently.

If your in high school, and skipping class. I don’t care about your stupid excuses. If you want to skip class becasue you find it to be boring, then so be it. You might have the excuse that you can get your G.E.D. A.K.A. “Good enough degree”. But getting an actually diploma will give you will have the sense of accomplishment. And that’s something very important for a person to feel happy about themselves. It is EXTREMELY important, to live life feeling accomplished, because right now I have none of that and it is killing me daily.

I shouldn’t be talking. I only graduated becasue my parents were able to afford to send me to an private school where I had one-on-one teaching and they had the damn place on lock-down all day so I couldn’t leave. It’s embarressing to say, because it all comes down to the fact that I was privilaged enough to have that. And now here I am, unmotivated, unwilling, and a complete lazyass.

Where I get my lazyness, I do not know. I’m tired of it. I know I can be a motivated person but right now I’m so pissed and sad with myself that all I can do is lay around hating myself and feeling like shit.

Throughout my childhood I had counseling, I saw psychologists weekly, was perscribed on drugs. One day I hated it, and quit the perscribed drugs. I hated feeling slap-happy, I felt that I didn’t need to feel “normal” only when I took my medication. I hated drugs, and didn’t want that. I wanted to tough it out and do things myself. But that was my near-death sentence. Shortly after that I began smoking pot. I substituded the legal prescription drugs for an illegal drug. A plant. I can rmember the day this kid told me pot was a plant so I figured it could not be that bad.

But, look at the potheads. They are in their 30s and still living with their parents. Many don’t get to that point. That’s why it’s considered a joke drug, something not serious. But for some, it can lead to worse circumstances. Over time, pot won’t be enough and you’ll seek out something more powerful. I’ve met people like this. I’ve met people who are so far into serious substances that they cannnot live a normal life. They upset their family, friends, and all for their fix. It’s sad. IT’S SO FUCKING SAD. Watch invervention on A&E. It’s all very true. The things these people do just shows how low a human could get to be, because it is a kind of filter, that kind of uselessness, that kind lifestyle of pure hell. They claim they feel good, but it’s all just a veneer… they will die young. They will hurt those who truely love them. And the sad truth is that they do not care. They are so selfish that they don’t care about the people who truely do love them.

Addiction is a disease.

Many, disagree with me. Many tell me I need treatment. I know that I don’t. I know that I will not get to that level. I do not have addiction in my blood, none of my family has been addicted to stupid substances. I know better. I know that the right thing is too be successful, to work your butt off because in the end it is all worth it. Happiness is a pursuit. PURSUIT. I hear many tell me they hate the rich, that they need to increase the taxes based on your wages… but I disagree. The rich struggled to get where they are. I can remember when my parents were poor. My entire life my father worked 13 hours a day to get where he is right now. I can remember never seeing him for days because he was at work. BUT HE BECAME SOMETHING. He’s so motivated. I love him so much. I’m twenty years old and have no income, and that kills me every single day. I hate knowing this. I hate it. Because I am making nothing of myself is the reason as to why I’m so despressed.

I just want others to understand the importance of growing up. You struggle when you are young, but in the end it will end up better then okay. If you work your ass off it will pay off, it may take years, decades… but you must understand that it’s so important for your future. You may think that you are getting nowhere, but you must understand, GOD I cannot force this idealogy on you, but you must do what you can do, now, in the present. Because if you do nothing, it will build up. It will build and make your life fucking miserable.

Dayum, I hope mom and dad don’t find this site, ha. That would not be good.

For all 2 of my readers, please take this in consideration. Make something of yourself. You can be ANYTHING as long as you set your mind to it. I know that sounds so cliche. Ignore the negativity in your life. Ignore the crush who called you fat and asked if you’d even hit puberty yet, IGNORE IT. Because YOU are so strong, you can be anything. Who cares what people think? The important thing is that you need to be proud of yourself.

(Unless you live in communism, then I don’t know what to say to help you because I don’t understand that kind of political influence you are facing).

I need to devise some kind of scheme to get the fuck out of here. The rent’s out in November, but I really don’t think I could stand it that long.

I considered my options. I could plan a flight home for my best friend, Sunshine to come and drive a u-haul. Or my father.

And then there’s Matt, and here’s a large source of my problems. I tried to help him but I can’t fucking take it anymore, but I love him so much that I can’t just leave him. I still feel that I can help him, however, I’ve only made him lazy. I could come up with some kind of deal, he could come with me and I’ll give him a month to get a job, and if that’s unsucessful I’ll throw $50 at him for a bus ride to wherever. I love him so much. But I have to do something to help myself because I’m falling apart. Two messed up lives DO NOT work. In the beginning I thought that we’d help eachother… but no. It didn’t work like that. There’s still that slight chance for things to get better, there’s still that part of my mind that wants to fight and fix my problems, because I don’t just bail out on my issues. That’s why leaving is something very hard for me to consider. Aterall, running away is never the answer, but when things are so bad that one cannot function it’s time to take the extreme.

I just never knew things would end up like this, if only I could change the past. If only. I’d go back to Amarillo and take the bullshit of not making any friends, and pursue my degree. But I fucked it up. I lost all that. Now I’m left with so much grief. Many young people are not privilaged enough to go to school, and I was, and I messed it up. It eats away at me everyday.

I hate waking up in the morning. I wish I could just sleep forever. I’m so tired of this life, of not getting anywhere, of these stupid kids who destroyed me and drove me to do things that I never thought I’d ever do. I know I could only blame myself, but at the time I felt such impending doom and uselessness that I didn’t care what would happen to me.

My bridges are burning, BAD.

I’m drunk. I’m trying my damn hardest not to make any typos because it’s such a pain i the ass to go back and fix em’.

So thus begins my drunken rambling. Don’t ya just love it when people do this? But a drunk word is very much the true word, because I feel no embarressment, no humiliation (in this case, because it’s MY site with MY thoughts).

I drink because it helps remove all the shit built up in my life. I drink because it helps me sleep. I drink because it makes me feel confident. I feel like superwoman when I drink. I feel happy, whole, and although emotional, it’s worth the stupid crying over stupid shit.

The funny thing about the previous statement is that I’ve done more then drink. I’ve done so much in the past months to help ease the pain and drinking is my best defense. Street pharamacuticals don’t EVEN compare. (Yes I know I spelled that wrong… PHARMACUTICALS, eh, whateva.). And Believe me, I’ve done a lot of dangerous illegal substances I won’t even mention because it’s too painful to express that I am weak enough to lower myself to such things.

I have to move home soon. I have to get out, the kids here are ignorant and stupid, and they’ve brought me down with them. But no - I won’t take that kind of shit. I try and I try and try and try. But it follows me, it’s like they won’t LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. I could move home and live with my parents, get bitched out daily by my parents.. but ya’ know… I miss her bitching so much I can barely stand it. I need security. I need a place where I can feel safe.

I have never hated anyone in my life. Not once, never. But now I have so much hate inside me I can’t even begin to explain it. I don’t even believe in karma anymore, and I used to be so positive, I used to be so nice to people, but people have proved that they can be so fucking EVIL. I never hurt anyone. NEVER. Yet I sit here daily and I am more hurt then I can ever express. I was once so open minded but it is gone now. I used to meet people, and trust them until they fucked me over, but now everyone is complete SHIT to me.

I watched that movie - “The Pursuit of Happiness” the other day. I loved how he said that Thomas Jefferson put in the Declaration of Independance that we have the right of the PURSUIT of Happiness. And that happiness IS a pursuit. It’s something everyone wants and fights for throughout their lives. Some never achieve it. I feel that I will never find that place. Happiness. HAPPINESS.

Adam, I miss you so much I can hardly stand it. I’m so sorry that I ran away that night we hooked up. I’m so sorry that I thought you were too “crazy” for me. I’m so sorry. I’M SO SORRY. And now you are gone and I will never see you again. I’m so sorry that I lived in Frisco and only saw you several times when my parents offered to fly me home. I’m so sorry that my time with you was so limited. I wish, I wish and I continue to wish that one day you will contact and tell me that the afterlife is better. I want to meet you there, I want to see you again. I want to be there for you. I wasn’t. If only I was living home when you were killed, I could have been there. I could have stopped it. I could have been there, and taken you away when things went bad. But I wasn’t.

Alf, Ember, Joe and Bob. I know I was not there for his death, but there is NO EXCUSE for killing someone. Accident or not. ADAM WAS A HUGE MAN. You guys obviously put tons of effort in his strangulation. Bob - I know our history, I know you are a decent person. I know you were frightened. I know that you had no choice. But, God, shit..
BOB- GOD DAMMIT. YOU COULD HAVE RAN OUT OF THERE AND CALLED THE POLICE. YOU COULD HAVE SAVED HIM BUT YOU DID NOT AND NOW I CANNOT FACE YOU. IF I DID - IT WOULD BE BEYOND WORDS. I WOULD FUCKING HURT YOU SO MUCH.

I hope, whoever did the final deed of ACTUALLY KILLING HIM… I hope you rot in jail forever. I don’t care if you were so drugged up you couldn’t determine reality from the truth, there’ no fucking excuse for taking a human life, especially someone as beautiful and wonderful as Yoyo, Adam Thomas Oury.

I can remember that night with you (Adam), talking about death. I hope you can remember how I told you to do something - ANYTHING - to contact me if you were to leave first. But here I am, months later and I have heard NOTHING from you.
I have so many photos and videos of you stored on my other computer. I cannot watch and look at them anymore because it is so painful. GOD.

And now my life is spinning out of control, I’m trying my damn best to run away from everything but it follows me. I feel that it’s all I have. No mortal can save me now.

I hate people. There is no selfless act. EVERYONE ONLY CARES ABOUT THEMSELVES. Someone may tell you how much they love you, how much they treasure you, but it’s all bullshit in the end, because WE ONLY CARE ABOUT OUR GODDAMNED SELVES. People only care about benifiting themselves, humans are fucking evil. I put my trust only in animals because they are the only sources of life who do not judge, who do not use, abuse and misuse.

I’m so sorry for all 2 of my readers for reading this. I am drunk. Beth is one of those dumb idiots who cannot face reality. Reality is too much for me.

Tomorrow I may delete or edit this. I will try not to, afterall, it is all the truth. The truth is very very significant to me.

XOXOXOXOXO

I miss you so much, Adam.

My abdominal area is killing me. This is nothing new.

It first started around mid-April. Nothing severe, but I figured it had to do with my bad habits. So I continued to ignore it, but stupidly carried out with these bad habits.
Finally I saw the doctor toward the end of May, he said it was stress related and prescribed me medications. I still have refills, but they quit working… and cost money anyways.

I know it’s dumb not to do anything about it, because afterall, it HURTS. But medical care costs money. And that’s something I’m lacking right now. For all I know my gallbladder could have exploded.

I should probably run through some updates since I haven’t been posting very much. I’ve been writing more then usual though without the internet around to post my thoughts.

I’m literally at my most stressful point in my life. 2007 has been a very

I will continue to try to live my life as I should; however, it is so much more difficult when you’ve got to walk everywhere. Matt and I went grocery shopping the other day and had to leave out a lot of needed items simply because we couldn’t carry a 12 pack of beer, apple juice and milk for an entire mile. Of course we decided on getting the beer… who needs juice and milk anyways?

The news of Joey taking my truck has spread like a wildfire throughout the people I associate with. Even people I’ve never met before know my situation. There’s now an immense line of haters waiting to kick his ass. I’ve made it clear that I get the first swing.

Violence isn’t the answer, of course, but it would be nice to take all that rage out on him. Most of all, I’d like to be able to see him get arrested, all while I’d point and laugh.

I just cannot believe someone would lie like the way he did… I cannot fathom it. I’ve now changed my perception on people. When I first meet someone now, they are considered shit, and once they prove to me they are worth being around I will accept them. I’ve been walked on for my entire life because my problem is that I cannot say no, and I put other people’s best interests before mine. It’s a catch 22 – it pleases me to please people. So that makes me selfish. Right? Everyone is egotistical, you may deny it, but when it comes down to it… all we want is to benefit ourselves.

Meanwhile, my other problems still exist. My friend from back in El Paso is still missing… it’s been 10 days now. A part of me tells me that he’s dead, but I don’t want to consider that. Yoyo is too much of an amazing person to die, too young, too enthusiastic about everything and so much fun to be around. But he wouldn’t just leave us; he would make a phone call, leave a note… SOMETHING. He loves us.

I LOVE YOU YOYO, PLEASE COME HOME! Adam Thomas Orrey…

Taking into account my truck state of affairs, my cousin said I may stay in this house longer, but I choose not to. I want to be out by the 30^th. If I don’t have my car by then, I can rent one (Progressive covers car rental in case of theft). Matt has to be out of his apartment by then as well. He’s not living there now (he’s been staying with me) but his belongings are still there. WE JUST NEED A FUCKING CAR TO FIND JOBS, AN APARTMENT, AND TO MOVE. And the shocker is… Joey knew we had to do this. How dare he go and ruin things for me by taking my car at this point in my life. I was just fucking cut off from my parents 2 days before, and now with no car…….

ENOUGH. I’ll go back into denial, because ignoring my problems is my tactic to stay sane.

Here are some pictures from the past week…

Oh, and for those who have not noticed… I edited a bunch of shit on here. Mostly little things, wordpress tags, the dividers, etc. I need to view this on the Imac and see if it looks decent. If it doesn’t… then oh well. To bad for Imac owners (you see, being a spoiled computer nerd I’ve got both types of laptops).

Well, through our own investigations I has found out my truck is currently in Austin, Texas.

His name is Joseph Cory Crockett and I have his wallet, containing his social security card and more information. I’ve made a stolen vehical report but of course they don’t seem to care about the situation. I called Austin PD and all they said was, “We’ll give you a call if he’s picked up”. That’s all they say… all the police departments.

I totalled the amount of my audio system.. $3,330. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. I’ll probably never see my truck or any of that again. I’ll sue the basterd. I’ll kill him. If I had connections to the mafia I would totally send them after him.

Let this be a lesson, don’t trust anyone… not even those who claim to be your friends. Joey actually told me.. in these exact words.. “Beth, your the greatest friend I’ve ever had.. you and Matt.”

Hmm, if this is how you treat your friends, no wonder you have none. You fucking looser. You lie about your entire life to everyone, even after Matt took you in and yet you screw someone over, by taking their car… what BULLSHIT.

I just hope everything will be alright.

We’re getting some beers again. I cannot tolerate the stress. My life is the ultimate shit hole.

Shit Shit Shit.

So on top of my grandmother dying… in the past 4 days I have been cut off from my parents, told to move out of this house by April 30th, and yesterday my truck was stolen by someone I thought of as a friend.

I reported it stolen, his name is Joseph Crockett and the secret is out that he’s been lying to all of us for the past 2 months. Everyone knew he was up to no good; however, I never cease to get stepped on by people constantly. I’ve been screwed over so many times I’ve lost count.

As of now I cannot communicate with him because he refuses to talk to me. I get in touch with him through one of his girlfriend’s, Lacy. He was supposed to bring the truck back yesterday, but of course, he hasn’t… I told Lacy that I canceled the police report and she carried the news to him. Which I didn’t… I hope he goes to jail. Fucker has no where to live and no job anyways so at least he’ll be fed properly and given a bed to sleep on. He’s used to it, or so he said he’s been to jail… who knows what he lied about. He actually lied to us about the death of his mother… How can someone be like that? I do not understand.

Also, my good friend Yoyo (from back in El Paso) went missing last Wednesday… an entire week ago. We still have not heard from him. The story is that he dropped acid and freaked out, and took off running… the people he did it with left town the next day, which is slightly suspicious. We’re all freaking out. I just keep the false hope because its better then no hope at all. In the back of our minds we’re thinking that he’s dead, but it’s so hard to think of that…

Thank you that I have Matt. I’d have swanned dived off Reunion Tower by now if he wasn’t here. I can figure this out; I’ll get out of this mess… one way or another…

Except I have no car, so I cannot take my applications in to get a job. I have 12 days before I must leave…

Well, for once something glorious has happened.

Matt and I are officially together……. Yes!!!! YES!!!! YES!!!!

We had a long conversation last night, I enjoy talking too him. We’re at the same level, and I hope that we can support each other through this shitty time. Things can go bad or good… and so far I am as close to heaven as humanly possible when I’m with him. He’s just an absolute sweetheart.

Of course, due to previous experiences with boyfriends… I still fret about relationships. This one in particular because I like him so damn much. He’s a rare one and I treasure being with him.

I know with Steven, our break up really meant nothing to me; after all… he was not my type. When he asked me out I wanted to say no… But at the time I was so lonely and he was the only person there for me. He’s a great guy, but completely scattered everywhere. And after that whole phone incident I have come to realize just how immature he is. He called me ugly and fat through a text (which, yes.. I agree with him, heh), which is retarded. I find that when a person has to go as far as insulting another person about their physical self, they are just dim-witted.

Meanwhile, I’m having a fall out with my best girlfriend in El Paso. I don’t want to get into it, but she seriously hurt my feelings today. Everything she said is right, and she just cares for my well being, but I don’t want pity. My mistakes are my own and I’m facing the consequences, and it will come back to me 50 times worse…

Here are some photos taken throughout the past week. Click to maximize.

Grandma’s funeral is this weekend, I’ll be flying home Friday morning. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it.

I’m in a difficult place right now and am both hating and loving every bit of it. I’m definantly infatuated. I don’t know what he thinks, but I’m so scared of fucking it up or gettng hurt.

All I can think about is him. Him Him HIM HIM.

God dammit.